Kermit and Piggy: That Magnificent Hankering, Part Eight

Published: February 8, 2002

Part Eight : Love is What Matters
Kermit and Miss Piggy
on Larry King Live
December 23, 1993

Larry	It’s time — quiet.
Piggy	I’m sorry.
Larry	It’s time to put on makeup, time to light the lights. It’s time to get things started, with the Muppets here tonight. Joining us are the Muppet leader, Kermit the Frog.
Kermit	Thank you very much.
Larry	And his beloved Miss Piggy. And they are dressed appropriately.
Kermit	That’s right.
Larry	You both wore braces in my honor.
Kermit	That’s right, we certainly did. We wanted to, just because you always wear these things. We wanted to do this just in honor of you.
Larry	And mine are pink and blue and yours, Kermit, are —
Piggy	Watch the hand.
Kermit	Mine are sort of pink and blue.
Piggy	Watch it.
Larry	Piggy, I wasn’t making a move for you.
Piggy	Fine, fine. Fine, Lawrence.
Larry	Okay. Do you like wearing suspenders?
Piggy	Not particularly.
Larry	No?
Piggy	No.
Larry	But you wear them in my honor?
Piggy	Yeah. Kermit told me I had to.
Kermit	Well, I just thought it would be a nice thing to do. I hope it’s not a problem.
Piggy	It’s not particularly the classiest style of dressing for moi, Lawrence.
Larry	I know. But still, there’s something about —
Piggy	Do you own a jacket?
Larry	What?
Piggy	Do you ever own a jacket?
Larry	I own a jacket, yeah.
Piggy	Do you?
Larry	But I just like this look.
Piggy	Okay, fine. Just curious.
Larry	Okay. All right, let’s ask some questions of both of you, because later we’re going to talk to some other people involved. We’ve got this new — are you excited about a book out, all about the history of the Muppets? Did you see the book?
Piggy	What book?
Kermit	I don’t think —
Larry	You don’t even know about this book?
Piggy	No.
Kermit	No. You mean there’s a book about our history?
Larry	Yeah, and it’s about Jim Henson and the whole —
Piggy	About moi?
Larry	Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Piggy	What?
Larry	You’re not getting a cut of this book?
Kermit	A cut?
Larry	A piece?
Piggy	What does cut mean?
Kermit	Well, maybe a paper cut.
Larry	Action. Money.
Kermit	Oh, money?
Larry	Wait a minute, Miss Piggy, are you telling me that they’re using your likeness in this book and no residuals to you?
Piggy	Lawrence, I do not know what book vous are talking about. Moi is just a pig, trying to entertain the world.
Larry	You don’t feel left out that they would publish a whole book about the history of this, and you don’t even know about it?
Kermit	Well, we know now.
Piggy	Well, what book is this?
Larry	The title of is Jim Henson: The Works — The Art, The Magic, the Imagination.
Kermit	Sounds interesting.
Piggy	Sounds nice. Are there pictures of moi?
Larry	Yes, and pictures of you.
Kermit	Pictures of me, too? Wow.
Larry	By the way, do you guys get paid? Kermit, you’ve been an entertainer for so many years, what are you paid?
Kermit	Well, I get flies and mosquitoes and things like that. You mean money?
Larry	Money.
Kermit	I’m not actually… I don’t actually do this for the bucks. I do this because I enjoy it.
Larry	You don’t need money?
Kermit	Well, not really. I mean, what can you buy in a swamp, you know?
Larry	Well, your clothes. Look at how you dressed tonight.
Kermit	Well, I’ve got to tell you the truth. These are rented. These are props.
Larry	Props?
Kermit	Yeah. It was just kind of a thing for you.
Larry	Boy, you look dapper, though.
Kermit	Thank you very much. You look very nice, yourself.
Larry	Okay. Now, Miss Piggy —
Piggy	As for me, I’m waiting for a close-up.
Larry	There it is.
Piggy	Thank you, dear.
Larry	Look at how beautiful you are. You look stunning tonight.
Piggy	[ shamelessly posing ] Oh, I’m not used to the camera.
Larry	Oh, yeah.
Piggy	[ looks down at the credit on the screen ] Of course it’s Miss Piggy. What am I, chopped liver?
Larry	No. Someone just turned on the television. We put the note Miss Piggy on the bottom, like they thought they were looking at Elvira Frump.
Piggy	That’s right, yes.
Larry	All right, now, what are you paid? He’s paid in flies. What do they pay you in?
Piggy	Pay me?
Larry	Pay, money, dinero. What do you get for doing what you do?
Piggy	Well, I don’t — I don’t really get paid. I just… we just like to have fun together.
Kermit	That’s right.
Larry	You mean, you do this for nothing?
Piggy	I do it for top billing. That’s what we’re talking about. “MISS PIGGY.”
Larry	And that counts more to you than, say, ten thousand a week?
Piggy	Ten thousand what a week?
Larry	Ten thousand dollars a week. What would you do with ten thousand dollars a week, which, by the way, would be underpaid for where you have reached in show business history.
Piggy	What would moi do? Moi does not truly think of money.
Larry	You never think of money?
Piggy	Moi truly thinks of happiness with moi’s frog. And that is what counts.
Larry	Okay, Piggy, go back to this — how long has this relationship…
Piggy	[ to Kermit: ] Right?
Kermit	Uh, sure, sure.
Larry	Who fell in love first?
Kermit	[ to Piggy: ] I’ll let you take that one.
Piggy	Well, it was moi, truly.
Larry	You?
Piggy	Yes.
Larry	So, in other words, you had that — that feeling for a frog. What did your fellow pig friends say when you told them, “I think I’m in love with a frog?”
Piggy	That I was — I was in love with another species?
Larry	Yeah.
Piggy	It was tough to take at times, but truly, love… love is what matters.
Larry	Then they understood?
Piggy	Yes, yes.
Larry	How about your mother?
Piggy	It’s better than an aardvark, they said. My mother? I don’t talk to my mother.
Larry	What about your best piggy friends?
Piggy	My best piggy friends?
Larry	Yes, you have pig friends, right?
Piggy	Well, I’m certain you have pig friends, too.
Larry	No. You’re the only pig I know.
Piggy	Oh, truly?
Larry	Truly.
Piggy	Search back. Think of high school.
Larry	No, you’re the only — well, maybe you’re right.
Piggy	Fine, fine. I just want to make that clear.
Larry	You are definitely the only frog I know.
Kermit	Well, that could be true. You need to get out more, Larry. You know, get out to the swamp.
Larry	Okay.
Kermit	We’re everywhere.
Larry	Let’s… when we come back, we’ll talk a little bit about…
Piggy	That was it?
Larry	No, we’re coming back. We have another segment.
Piggy	Three hours of makeup, and that was it?
Larry	No, we’re coming back.
Kermit	Piggy…
Piggy	I’m off the show?
Larry	In fact, we have an offer to make to Kermit.
Piggy	Watch the hand.
Larry	I’m going to make… [ slow burn ] … We’ll be right back, with Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog, on Larry King Live, pre-Christmas Eve. Don’t go away.
	[ commercial break ]
Larry	International superstars on this pre-Christmas Eve edition of Larry King Live. They are Miss Piggy…
Piggy	Thank you.
Larry	The famous actress and model who recently played Emily Cratchit in The Muppet Christmas Carol.
Piggy	Thank you.
Larry	That is now out on video. And she’s eligible for Academy Awards. And Kermit the Frog, the international superstar himself, the author. He recently starred in his fourth feature film, The Muppet Christmas Carol. By the way, I am asked now by the management of CNN to make you this offer. Kermit, this is for you, and then we’ll talk a little bit about both of your lives.
Kermit	Okay.
Larry	Kermit, the management of CNN has authorized me to ask you if you would like to host this show April 1st of next year.
Kermit	April 1st?
Larry	I don’t know why they picked that date.
Kermit	Maybe it’s just a joke.
Larry	No, not a joke.
Kermit	No?
Larry	They would like you to sit in this chair, wear that outfit —
Kermit	Wow.
Larry	And we’ll book guests for you, and you can interview them.
Kermit	Do I get to take phone calls?
Larry	You could take phone calls.
Kermit	Gee, that might be fun.
Larry	Say yes.
Kermit	I’ll say yes, and I’ll check my schedule.
Larry	You will do it, Kermit?
Kermit	I would love to do it.
Larry	We’ll get you extra lice.
Kermit	Lice?
Larry	Extra ants.
Kermit	Sure.
Larry	Whatever it is you eat.
Kermit	Lice are fine, sure.
Larry	Okay. How about a double portion?
Kermit	Sounds great to me.
Larry	Okay, you’ve got it.
Kermit	Oh, that would be fun. I hope everybody…
Larry	You’re going to host this show.
Kermit	Sure, fantastic.
Larry	Maybe someone will run for president. What do you think, Miss Piggy? He could be a star in a different medium.
Piggy	He’s going to host the show?
Larry	He is. Oh, God, don’t tell me you’re jealous of that.
Piggy	No, no. Why should I be jealous? Not at all, no. What do you have for me, like, a raising mushrooms show at…
Kermit	Piggy… Piggy…
Piggy	Like a home ec show?
Larry	Calm her down, will you?
Kermit	Piggy, what about if…
Piggy	Fine, no, I’m just very…
Kermit	Well, listen…
Piggy	Look, I’m just very happy for you, that’s all. From the heart. I’m truly happy for you.
Kermit	Piggy, listen…
Piggy	And I want to thank vous very much for offering this to my frog.
Kermit	Piggy, how about… how about if you come on the show when I host it?
Piggy	Oh, your show?
Kermit	Well, it’s Larry’s show.
Piggy	Fine.
Kermit	But, I mean, I can host —
Piggy	I’d rather not talk about it. Ask your next question, Larry.
Larry	Miss Piggy, I’m shocked…
Kermit	I’m sorry about this, Larry.
Larry	… that you would want to deny Kermit this little moment for him to host an international show.
Piggy	Lawrence, Lawrence… Did moi say that moi did not want moi’s frog to host vous’ show?
Larry	No, you did not say that.
Piggy	Fine, fine. I’m just making that clear. Moi only is saying that sometimes it’s more appropriate for a pig to host this particular show. I’ve seen your show. Believe me, it’s appropriate sometimes.
Larry	Okay, I’ll tell you what. You can be here the same night.
Kermit	You know, Larry, I think she has a point about the pig thing.
Larry	Yeah, well, why don’t you have her as one of your guests?
Kermit	Well… can I pick my own guests?
Larry	Yes. You meet with the producers.
Kermit	Oh, neat. Sure. I’ll see if the Clintons are available.
Larry	Okay. I bet they’ll come for you.
Kermit	Think so? You know, I was here last year, around the inauguration, and I was able to meet them.
Larry	What did they say to you?
Kermit	Well, they said, be very careful while you’re up on my shoulder. You see, it’s a long story. I got to sit on the First Lady’s shoulder, during a special TV show. It was great fun.
Larry	Are you jealous?
Piggy	Am I in the way here?
Kermit	Well, a little…
Piggy	Excuse me. I mean, I came — the limousine is outside. You have a star here, Lawrence.
Larry	Did you —
Piggy	Hear me talking?
Larry	Did it bug you when he sat on Hillary’s shoulder? Pig?
Piggy	You have extraordinary eyes.
Larry	So do you, Miss Piggy.
Kermit	Piggy, don’t flirt — don’t flirt with the host.
Larry	She does, Kermit. She’s very pretty.
Kermit	Well, I didn’t say she wasn’t pretty. I just think she shouldn’t come on to the host. I mean, I think that’s a little — you know, not exactly good taste.
Larry	Were you flirting with me, Miss Piggy?
Piggy	No, not really.
Larry	But you do like my eyes?
Piggy	Not really.
Larry	Okay.
Piggy	It was a put-on.
Kermit	She just wants to host the show, that’s what it is.
Larry	Some questions for each of you, because I’ve got some personal information I didn’t know. I didn’t know that your father was killed in a tractor accident, Miss Piggy. That you were never close to your mother.
Kermit	Oh.
Larry	You’re first learning this, Kermit?
Kermit	Well, yeah, gee, I —
Larry	Did you know that your fiancee, your girlfriend, left home as a teenager, after graduating from charm school? That her first job was at a department store selling gloves?
Piggy	I’m proud of that. I was alone. I was single. I’m proud of that. I made my own way.
Larry	As a model, she was forced to pose for certain ads — one for a bacon product.
Kermit	Oh.
Piggy	I’d rather not talk about that.
Kermit	That’s outrageous. You never told me that stuff, Piggy.
Piggy	This is something a woman sometimes has to do.
Larry	Her big break was as a hand model in commercials. And later, she auditioned for a talent contest that changed her life forever, where she met her adored frog, Kermit.
Kermit	Gee, that’s very sweet.
Larry	Now, I’ll tell you some things about him that you may not know.
Kermit	Are you sure you want to do that?
Larry	Yeah, this is a tell-all show. Miss Piggy, Kermit was born one of several thousand children…
Kermit	That’s true.
Larry	… in a southern swamp. He has four thousand brothers and sisters.
Kermit	Well, at last count.
Larry	He says the most notable event in his whole adolescent life was his transformation from tadpole to frog.
Kermit	Well, you know, it was when I got my flippers, that was what was so great. I could walk around.
Larry	Do you remember that day?
Kermit	I could hop and walk. Sure.
Larry	Are you shocked by any of this, Miss Piggy?
Piggy	Not so far.
Larry	Okay. He made his network television —
Piggy	Just your tie is probably the most shocking thing I’ve seen.
Larry	What is the most shocking?
Piggy	Nothing. Sorry. Go ahead.
Larry	He made his network television debut on Steve Allen’s Tonight Show in 1956.
Kermit	Long time ago.
Larry	Did you watch that show, Miss Piggy?
Piggy	I wasn’t born then.
Kermit	Yes, she was.
Larry	He joined the cast of a new show, Sesame Street. You know that show.
Piggy	It’s an old children’s show, isn’t it?
Larry	And he has become probably the most famous frog in the world.
Kermit	Well… Gee…
Piggy	Well, that’s true. That’s my frog.
Larry	When are you two going to get married?
Kermit	Larry, listen — I… we… I just have to clear this up.
Larry	When are you going to get married?
Kermit	Well, we’re not going to actually get married, Larry, because that’s something… it’s kind of a touchy subject.
Larry	Why?
Kermit	Well, because our relationship has been sort of, in the press, made out to be something that possibly it isn’t, exactly.
Larry	Wait a minute. You mean all those tabloid stories are untrue?
Kermit	Well, yes.
Larry	Are you saying that you and Miss Piggy have not had an intimate relationship?
Kermit	Well, it depends on how you define the word intimate, I suppose.
Larry	I leave it up to you to define. Do you define it as intimate?
Kermit	Well, we’re certainly good friends. We’ve worked very closely together. Right?
Larry	Miss Piggy, is he backing out?
Piggy	No, this is the usual response.
Larry	Oh, yeah?
Piggy	The truth is, we are married. And the truth is, I will not talk about intimate things. Moi am a lady. But we are married, and this is the public stance he must take for his fans. In private, we live together, and we’re deeply happy.
Larry	What is your married name?
Kermit	Guess he’s got you there, huh? What’s your married name, Piggy?
Piggy	Miss the Frog.
Larry	Miss the Frog.
Piggy	Yes. That is Kermit the Frog, moi am Miss the Frog.
Larry	This is fascinating. But what if an offspring came along?
Kermit	Well, it would be very interesting.
Larry	It would be that.
Kermit	Let’s just say…
Piggy	I’m very good with children. Very good with children.
Larry	But what kind of child would it be, do you think?
Piggy	A loved one, Lawrence. A loved one.
Larry	But what do you think it would look like, Miss Piggy?
Kermit	I shiver to think.
Piggy	It would be small.
Larry	Small?
Piggy	Yes.
Larry	Would it have, say, frog eyes and a pig nose?
Piggy	Does it matter? If it’s loved? Lawrence? Does it truly matter?
Larry	No. And you would love it, wouldn’t you? Do you want a child?
Piggy	Of course.
Larry	Kermit, do you want to be a dad? [ slaps his hand on the table ]
Kermit	Well…
Piggy	Did you hit your hand there?
Kermit	Gee. I think he killed a fly.
Larry	No, I just —
Kermit	Could you save that?
Piggy	I don’t understand, what is this fascination with two species? I mean, if one has love in one’s heart, does it truly matter, Lawrence?
Larry	Well, it’s the Christmas time of the year. It’s the time of family.
Piggy	Yes.
Larry	It’s the time of togetherness.
Piggy	Yes.
Larry	You two are one of the most famous couples in the world.
Piggy	True.
Larry	He denies the marital bliss in which you live.
Piggy	Which he has to do for his fans.
Larry	Okay, which he has to do for his fans, I understand.
Piggy	Yes, yes.
Larry	And so now, I bring up the obvious, an offispring. And there is curiosity. Don’t you think, if you had an — it would be as interesting as the night of, say, Murphy Brown’s childbirth.
Piggy	Lawrence, all I’m saying is that, yes, we will at some time have children, yes. And —
Kermit	It would be curious, that’s for sure.
Piggy	Excuse me.
Kermit	I’m sorry. Go ahead.
Piggy	Do you want to talk?
Kermit	No, no.
Piggy	I’ll just stand back here. You talk.
Kermit	No, please, go right ahead.
Piggy	No, go ahead. You can do better than I can.
Kermit	Well, okay, all right. All I want to say is that —
Piggy	What I want to say, Larry, is that truly, yes, we will be having children, yes.
Larry	We have to leave you now. We’re going to meet two people you know.
Piggy	So, he wasn’t interested after all.
Larry	We’re going to meet Frank —
Piggy	He doesn’t care!
Kermit	We’ll talk about this later, okay?
Larry	Don’t argue!
Piggy	I’m talking about the most important thing…
Larry	Don’t argue, it’s Christmas. [ He slaps the table again. ]
Kermit	It’s Christmas. We don’t want to argue.
Piggy	Don’t hurt your table. That’s plastic.
Larry	Kermit…
Kermit	I’m sorry about this.
Larry	You do the show April 1st.
Kermit	I’d love to, Larry.
Larry	Any guest you want. You can even bring her.
Kermit	Well, I’ll think about it.
Larry	Thank you, Miss Piggy. [ He extends his hand. ] You don’t want to shake hands?
Piggy	Oh. I can’t. I’m unable to.
Kermit	Well, get out of the way, then. I’ll do it. [ He shakes Larry’s hand. ]
Larry	Hey, my man.
Kermit	Sure. I don’t want to be rude to the host, after all.
Piggy	How did you do that?
Kermit	Well, it’s not easy.
Piggy	The shaking hands thing. I can’t move my fingers.
Larry	We will be back with Cheryl Henson and Frank Oz. Say goodbye.
Piggy	Joyeux Noel.
Kermit	Happy New Year, everybody, and happy holidays.
Piggy	Hasta luego.