Kermit and Piggy: That Magnificent Hankering, Part Five

Published: February 5, 2002

Part Five :
Miss Piggy’s Secret Wedding Plans
fromMcCall’s Magazine
June, 1984

This is an interview printed in the June ’84 issue of McCall’s, promoting The Muppets Take Manhattan. It’s reprinted here, as always, with absolutely no permission whatsoever. But what has McCall’s done for me lately?

Miss Piggy’s Secret Wedding Plans

Will the year’s most eagerly awaited marriage really take place? Is it time, at last, to hear the organ play “Here Comes the Pig”?

The hottest rumor in the tabloids these days concerns a possible marriage between the world’s favorite pig and her reluctant frog. Will Miss Piggy finally become a Mrs? (Or, in the manner of many modern women, a Ms. Piggy-Frog?) While the lady has played hard to get, feigning a romantic interest in every new leading man, she has been heard to mutter to friends, “Kermit will marry me — or croak!” Is America’s most voluptuous sex symbol really ready to give up her glamorous life for the humbler pleasures of domestic bliss? Some of the answer will be found in her new movie, The Muppets Take Manhattan, which will be opening next month. For an advance peek at this romantic event, Mary Ann O’Roark called on the expectant bride, who talked with startling frankness — and rare sensitivity — about the new direction she expects her life to take.

McCall’s	Miss Piggy, gossips are abuzz with the news that you and Kermit will soon be frog and wife. Is there any truth to these rumors?
Piggy	Speaking for moiself and Kermie, I can only say that we are both terribly happy. After all, Kermie has been desperately urging moi to marry him for eons.
McCall’s	You’re one of the great romantic heroines of our time, Miss Piggy. Tell us, what is this thing called love?
Piggy	You have come to the right pig for the answer to that one. Love is simply moi’s life. Love means caring for that special someone so much that you give him the last spoonful of hot fudge on your sundae. Love means his loving you so much that he refuses to accept it.
McCall’s	Kermit himself, however, has been denying that you’re getting married.
Piggy	Kermie has only been denying our impending nuptials because he is a very shy, private frog. But there was always an understanding between us. He understood that I wanted to get married. Period.
McCall’s	Tell us more about your relationship with Kermit.
Piggy	What can moi say? Throughout history, there have been Great Couples — Adam and Eve, Antony and Cleopatra, Romeo and Juliet, Jekyll and Hyde. Kermie and I are such a couple. We were born to be together.
McCall’s	But don’t you think it’s possible for a couple to be together too much? What has it been like to work daily with the frog you love?
Piggy	Kermie and I have always had an incredibly smooth working relationship. He listens to moi about everything. Of course, there have been teensy problems. But I’ve always been a great believer in compromise. I believe, and Kermie compromises.
McCall’s	Your career has obviously been very important to you, Miss Piggy. But do you think that a woman must marry to be truly fulfilled?
Piggy	Moiself has always gained great fulfillment from eating three seven-course meals a day, plus I always have little snackies around just in case. True, I have noticed an extra degree of fulfillment in myself recently… particularly when I try to get into my lavender evening gown.
McCall’s	These days, many couples live together instead of getting married. Can you imagine yuourself in such an arrangement?
Piggy	Although I feel that a trial period before marriage is better than a divorce trial after marriage, I am basically an old-fashioned woman at heart. I believe in commitment, fidelity — and joint checking accounts.
McCall’s	Miss Piggy, do you think that women today are more aggressive in the bedroom?
Piggy	Moi should hope not! I keep my most fragile knickknacks in my boudoir — my priceless collection of little glass animals, lots of extremely breakable lamps, a porcelain statuette of June Havoc (one of my favorite stars). If one tried to be aggressive in my bedroom, it could wreck Havoc — not to mention everything else.
McCall’s	That wasn’t exactly what we meant, Miss Piggy. Now how can we put this more delicately?
Piggy	Hold it right there, sister. Moi is not one to launder delicate washables in publique! Miss Piggy does not kissy-kissy and tell!
McCall’s	Let’s change the subject. Do you have any tips on how to get along with in-laws?
Piggy	Moi has always believed it is safest to treat in-laws like outlaws who have broken into your famille. Of course, moi’s natural tact, breeding and charm usually take care of any difficulties that arise with Kermie’s relatives. But the fact that I am a good deal largeur than they doesn’t hurt either.
McCall’s	Do you see yourself as the domestic type? Can you cook, for example?
Piggy	Can moi cook? Kermie has always said that you cannot live after tasting moi’s famous bleu-on-bleu cookery. I always say, of course, that a well-equipped kitchen is the first step to a well-fed frog, so I start out with the best cooking tools available. Right now, for example, I have seventeen assorted can openers in my kitchen — each for a separate task. Some are electric, for those hearty cans of spaghetti and meatballs. But to open more delicate foods, like tinned truffles, I use only the most delicate of my manual openers. Or sometimes I just chomp right in with my teeth.
McCall’s	Miss Piggy, for your wedding, are you planning to wear something old, new, borrowed and blue?
Piggy	Yes. Moi will wear a new, perfectly cut, four-carat blue-white diamond. In an antique setting.
McCall’s	That takes care of old, new and blue. What about borrowed?
Piggy	Wear something used at moi’s wedding? Not likely.
McCall’s	Just one more question, Miss Piggy. After you’re married, do you expect your relationship with Kermit to change?
Piggy	Not at all. Kermie and I will always be completely compatible, as long as he knows that I know what’s good for him.