Several moons ago, I speculated as to why certain letters of the alphabet have not been seen as the “Letter of the Day” on Sesame Street in a few years. I came up with several logical reasons, but there was one that I thought was completely improbable and not worth adding: some wacky scenario where a bunch of villains from fairy tales and storybooks stole them from all over the Earth. Sounds totally ridiculous, right?
Well, apparently, it wasn’t ridiculous enough for the Children’s Television Workshop to try and make a movie out of. Believe it or not, folks, that’s the plot of what could have been the second Sesame Street theatrical movie, called The Alphabet Thieves. No foolin’. Tony Geiss and Judy Freudberg, who wrote the first movie Follow That Bird, attempted a follow-up in the mid 1990s. But, given the fact that the movie is not currently sitting on my DVD shelf, it appears to have never gotten beyond the scripting stages. But we here at Tough Pigs made a solemn oath to bring you information on every Muppet thing possible, which is why we’ll be spending the whole week talking about one draft of the screenplay (from May 1995).
Now, since there’s no footage or concept art to pull from, Tough Pigs HQ has recruited the best artists oxygen can buy to render some visuals so you can better imagine what the movie would have been like. Over this three-part series, we’ve called on three different artists to interpret each act in their own way. Today’s edition is brought to you by our pal Will Carroll!
So, grab your popcorn and let’s begin!
The script opens with a Forrest Gump riff, where we follow one of Big Bird’s yellow feathers floating past various New York City landmarks (including Tom Hanks himself on a bench reading The Wall Street Journal). It eventually makes its way to Sesame Street, going past the regular characters doing their everyday routines, before reaching Big Bird, Elmo, and Zoe outside Finders Keepers and somehow disappearing into a large magic mirror nearby.
The three get a closer look and shove their limbs through it to see what happens. Suddenly, their reflections turn to fog and out skips Little Red Riding Hood, who is suggested to be played by a live human girl (I’m going to assume someone from the then-current TGIF line-up). “What orange fur you have!” she says to Zoe, who fears for Little Red’s life when she learns how her story goes. The three want her to stay and play, suggesting Little Red calls up her grandma and warn her about the wolf.
They use the mirror to alert Grandma, who locks the doors to keep the Big Bad Wolf out. The Wolf isn’t pleased the story’s been changed, especially when the axe-wielding woodsman shows up to deliver a good pummeling. The youngsters celebrate and start to dig in on Little Red’s goody basket.
Meanwhile, we see a castle banquet hall in the Land of Make Believe (no relation to the Mister Rogers’ locale) where various villains from storybooks, fairy tales, and such are gathered – Captain Hook, the Wicked Witch of the West, the evil queen from Snow White, the Big Bad Wolf, a dragon, ogre, and more. The Wolf, bandaged up, complains about the encounter and soon, all the villains are riled up about how poorly they’re treated in their respective stories. After they launch into a villainous song, Captain Hook begins devising a scheme…
Back on Sesame Street, Gordon reads a book to Telly, Rosita, and the kids when the whole Earth seems to suddenly be thrown out of whack for a moment. Gordon presses onward, but notices the words in the book are fading away. The same begins to happen all over the block, from Oscar’s “Get Lost” sign to a letter from Snuffy’s grandmother. The whole gang piles into Hooper’s Store, where Katie Couric (“or some other real newsperson as lively and fun”) reports letters are vanishing from signs all over the globe – including scenes in China, Japan, and even the Hollywood sign.
“We don’t know much but we do know this…we don’t much,” she says before the broadcast is disrupted. On screen, Hook, the Witch, and the Wolf appear to deliver a grave message to the planet – they’ve stolen the alphabet! Hook reasons that with no letters, their respective stories will no longer exist and they can live their lives free of being labeled as “bad.” Their plan is to permanently eliminate the alphabet by turning it into alphabet soup the next day; the kidnapped letters permeate through their sack to read “HELP.” When Katie returns, she states the armed forces are ready to retrieve the alphabet, only they don’t know how to get to the Land of Make Believe.
Everyone rightfully freaks out, but Big Bird and friends, knowing they’re indirectly responsible, slink away. Elmo believes they can right their wrong by going to the Land of Make Believe and getting the alphabet back themselves. But how do they get there? Little Red tells them it’s through the mirror. Benny Rabbit watches from the Furry Arms as they all go into the mirror. They find themselves in a foggy tunnel, when an unseen chorus sings them a song about how to get to the Land of Make Believe. The ensuing scene is described as “MTV VIDEO,” with a lot of quick cuts of the various directions which are mainly from various famous stories (like “follow the yellow brick road” or “hug a frog!”).
They soon find themselves overlooking a huge landscape of fields, castles, and cottages, and begin making their way to the Witch’s Castle. The storybook baddies spy on them from afar and debate how to dispose of them. The alphabet tries rolling their sack outside to escape, but are soon caught – “RATS,” they imprint from inside the bag. The Wicked Witch sends a rainstorm their way and Big Bird bemoans forgetting his umbrella.
Back on Sesame Street, everyone looks for Big Bird, Zoe, and Elmo, when Ruthie discovers her copy of a map leading to the Land of Make Believe; Telly believes they can provide this to the President. Sadly, with no letters on it, the map is of little use. Benny tells them where the youngsters went and they discover the mirror’s abilities. Nearly everyone heads inside Finders Keepers to phone the White House, but some others hang behind and enter the mirror – Cookie Monster (wishing to eat the alphabet soup himself), the Count (to count the letters), Grover (who first needs to change into Super Grover), and finally Ernie and Bert (planning to exchange their paper clips and Rubber Duckie for the alphabet; hey, if it could get them a cigar box and soap dish, why not an alphabet).
Mamma mia! Our adventure is beginning! What’s going to happen to our furry and feathered friends? Come back later this week to find out in part 2!
Click here to hug a frog on the Tough Pigs Discord!
By Shane Keating
