Part 1 – Part 2 – Part 3 – Part 4 – Part 5
*A-PLLLLLLLLT!* That was the sound of me blowing the dust off of an old, old ToughPigs series thatâs finally coming out of the vault! It is with great pleasure and much saliva that I proudly announce the grand return of⌠My Week! *Honnnnnnk!* That was the sound of me honking my horn in celebration as I typed that sentence, which probably confused the other drivers around me.
My Week is a long-running series of week-long features on ToughPigs going back to the earliest of early days on this website. We’ve covered everything from Bear in the Big Blue House to Doctor Who, from Grover’s Mom to breakfast cereals and back again.
Anyhow, itâs been six whole years since My Week last graced us with their presence, and thatâs a long time! In fact, itâs such a long time that My Week is now considered a nostalgia property, so the ToughPigs team has brought me in to reboot the series, revitalize the franchise, milk it dry, and hopefully start a toyline. An occasion as important as this comeback requires a big topic to (ahem) uncover, so Iâve decided to open what might be a Pandoraâs Box of Muppet nerd emotion and start a conversation about Muppet covers.
But how does one even approach a subject so vast in scope? Is it even possible to write a brief overview? How do I even figure out what I mean by âMuppet coversâ anyway?
Well, I at least know my starting point: âI Donât Want to Live on the Moon.â Every Muppet fan with a piano records a cover of this song, and it always works â itâs a reliable composition in that way. Whatâs remarkable is, for as much as we think of âRubber Duckieâ as the definitive Ernie song (and it probably is), âI Donât Want to Live on the Moonâ is part of a little genre of Ernieâs nighttime songs that feel central to the Sesame Street songbook.
âImagination,â âDance Myself to Sleep,â and âWhen Bertâs Not Hereâ are among the greatest Jim Henson songs, and all of them would later be recorded again by others. âThatâs What Friends Are For,â âBut I Like You,â and âDo You Like Me?â are definitive Ernie and Bert duets, and all of these begin in the same place as many of the definitive Ernie and Bert sketches: their beds. For this reason, I argue that Ernie and Bertâs bed sheets are the most important Muppet covers.
Ernie and Bertâs Covers
Truly, nowhere in Muppetdom will you find more memorable bedding than this set of covers, and I intend to prove it. Yes, this is what this article is. They look warm and fuzzy, yet perfectly uncomfortable. They look lightweight, yet just heavy enough to be a burden to the puppeteers.
What makes them especially distinct is that vivid, disgusting, beautiful shade of green. Itâs worth noting that, after Jim Hensonâs passing in 1990, the color of the covers was changed from green to blue. This was to signify that Kermit was dead and everyone was sad about it. I immediately regret that joke. That was terrible. Iâm so sorry. Iâll go die now.
Before I do, however, Iâd like to address that these probably arenât what you think of when you read the words âMuppet covers.â Iâve been told that Iâm not always good at managing expectations in my writing, but this time, Iâd really like to give you the article you wanted to read. When you think of Muppet covers, I bet what comes to mind are actual sheets you can buy with Muppet designs on them, so hereâs my ranking of Muppet bedding merch!
My Ranking of Muppet Bedding Merch
1 â The Fantastic Miss Piggy Sheet
Imagine being an artist in 1980 and creating these stunning illustrations with the knowledge that they will unquestionably be peed on by children. Putting so much effort into a product like this today seems unthinkable. 1980 may have been the pinnacle of Muppet merchandise design, and yet, in every product at the time, there always has to be something thatâs weird to the point of being almost awkward. In this case, itâs the quartet of Kermit clones saluting Miss Piggy. The Kermit clones are coming for us all someday, and I welcome them.
2 â The Fantastic Miss Piggy Shoot
Someoneâs taking photos of Miss Piggy in your bed! Am I fired yet, Joe?
3 â The Wembley Fleece
I like Wembley merch, and I like Fraggle Five merch, but itâs weird to see Wembley treated as the star of the Fraggle Five. I have a funny feeling that this item may not have been designed by people who knew a heck of a lot about the show. I nevertheless own one of these â I was hypnotized into buying it by Wembleyâs famously swirly, hypnotic eyes, which I genuinely didnât notice until just this moment. This is the only documented Fraggle Rock bedding in existence.
4 â All Sesame Street Sheets
Iâm putting these low on the list because theyâre all made for childrenâs beds. The fans are tired of everyone acting like Sesame Street is for children! I believe Sesame sheets should be made for adultsâ no, you know what? I canât do this bit. This oneâs too stupid even for me.
5 â Hell
Somewhere in the world, there is a high security prison where the prisoners arenât allowed to have any sheets unless they choose this set. They will never choose this set.
You know, itâs funny⌠since I started writing this sentence, it has occurred to me that it didnât need to be written. It has also occurred to me that most of you were probably expecting an article about music. I suppose thatâs what Iâll write about for the remaining articles in this series.
I plan on approaching this from two angles â Muppets performing the songs of others, and others performing the songs of Muppets. Of course, thatâs more ground than I can fully explore in one week, but thatâs okay! ToughPigs has a lot of writers, and the future has a lot of weeks, unless it doesnât. I fully expect and look forward to many more articles about Muppet music in ToughPigsâ future, but my goal for this week is to roughly map out the Muppet cover landscape.
Still, Iâm glad I got to talk about bedding for a bit since Muppet songs and Muppet sheets are closely related. In Muppet music, any artist can be covered by Muppets. In Muppet sheets, you can be covered by Muppets. Add them together and you get Muppet sheet music, which lets you cover the Muppets. And thatâs how math works. Of course, both beds and songs are meant to have rests in them, so itâs probably time for me to give this article a rest. I apologize for its existence. Goodnight, sleep tight, and donât let the Kermit clones bite.
Click here to take it slow, take it easy, take a rest on the ToughPigs forum!
by J.D. Hansel