Some of you may have seen the news that comedian and actor Pete Davidson recently split from megastar Kim Kardashian, which was about as unexpected as a Miss Piggy karate chopping someone. Don’t ask me how he does it, but Davidson has a knack for getting some of the most beautiful women in Hollywood to fall in love with him. Over the years he’s been with Cazzie David, Kate Beckinsale, Margaret Qualley, Phoebe Dynevor and a few stunners I haven’t heard of. He was even engaged to Ariana Grande, just a few weeks after they began dating (This wasn’t a Caroll and Deb Spinney situation, because, you know, unlike the Spinneys they didn’t last)
A lot of people have started posting silly jokes about who Pete’s likely to end up with next. Dame Judi Dench? Thanos? The screaming goat from Muppets Haunted Mansion? Haha, that’s silly, imagine Pete Davidson dating a Muppet…
Actually, let’s imagine Pete Davidson dating a Muppet. Who is the perfect fit?
1 – Miss Piggy
The obvious answer, the one that probably would have happened if the 2015 series was still going, would be Pete Davidson having a brief fling with Miss Piggy. But let’s be honest here, this would be a case of an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object. Miss Piggy might be too much for the scrawny Davidson, a little too much to handle. While all of Davidson’s exes are strong, talented, smart, independent women, perhaps only Miss Piggy would pose a constant and immediate threat to him, which doesn’t seem Pete’s style. So this would not last more than a week.
2 – Camilla
Camilla has been in a long term relationship with Gonzo since the 1970’s, so this relationship would never happen in the first place. But if it did, Camilla seems the type to enjoy being wined and dined in New York City and would hold her own at the SNL after parties. She’d secretly enjoy the paparazzi and scrolling her name on Twitter and all that stuff. This relationship would end with a short-lived engagement, before she returned to Gonzo. She would be played by Chloe Fineman on SNL the next week.
3 – Hilda
Hilda is a saint of a woman, the oft-forgotten seamstress of The Muppet Show. While she claims to be 35 years old, it’s likely Hilda is older and Pete doesn’t seem the type who would give her the confidence to show her true self. Would Hilda’s loving and care-free lifestyle be enough for the drama-addicted Davidson? Likely not. In fact, Hilda could do a hell of a lot better than Pete Davidson.
You know what? Stay away from our Hilda, Pete! She’s a wonderful woman, and she deserves only the best. So let’s instead look at a few wonderful men that Hilda could date.
1 – Tom Hanks
America’s father, Tom Hanks. Caring. Funny. Smart. Handsome. He’s everything Hilda needs in a man, and he’s age appropriate too. Tom seems the type who would rub her feet at the end of a long day, and cook her a nice steak dinner before serenading her with his ukulele, which he learnt on their honeymoon to Hawaii. They would stare into each other’s eyes over candlelight, and wake up early just to watch the sunrise. 10/10 husband for our Hilda.
2 – Keanu Reeves
Perhaps Hilda needs some spice in her life, and Keanu is the man to do it. While he’s a gentle soul who likes to help out random people on the street and shout nice things to audience members, he can switch on the danger when he’s playing roles like Neo or John Wick. Maybe this would be enough for Hilda, seeing her man be an action star on the big screen while being a gentle loving partner at home, giving her a manicure or listening to her talk about that annoying lady at work, Mildred, just nodding and understanding. 10/10, this would last a lifetime.
3 – Hugh Jackman
Maybe it’s because he has a house like 10 minutes from mine and I’d get to bump in to them occasionally (yes, I do see Hugh Jackman around sometimes, just chilling at the local market – and yes, the novelty has worn off), but Hilda and Hugh Jackman would be the ideal couple – I’d call their couple name ‘Hulda’. Imagine being serenaded by Hugh after a long day, as he fills the dishwasher AND empties the dishwasher. As he invites you to fun parties with other famous celebrities like Ryan Reynolds and Jake Gyllenhaal. I wish I was married to Hugh Jackman. Maybe I should introduce myself next time I see him… 10/10, I should marry Hugh Jackman.
Click here to date Hilda on the ToughPigs forum!
By Jarrod Fairclough – Jarrod@ToughPigs.com
