Muppet Clothes… For DOGS?!

Published: July 19, 2013

I’m on the record as disapproving of clothing for dogs. When I see something like this:

All I can think is, If that dog could speak, there’s no way he would have requested to wear those clothes. More likely, he would be pleading for someone to take them off, because all dogs are nudists. And anyway, when would a dog ever need to wear a tuxedo? It’s not like dogs ever get invited to the People’s Choice Awards.

So I was immediately skeptical when, not too long ago, our friend Chris Stulz of the groovy Muppet Stuff page on Facebook first started posting about a new line of Muppet clothing he had discovered, a line designed to be worn by hairy creatures who walk on all fours. (Dogs. I’m talking about dogs.) I understand that every Muppet fan who owns a dog wants to believe that their pet likes Muppets, too. It’s the same impulse that makes WWE-loving parents buy John Cena onesies for their babies. But how can any dog owner think it’s okay to subject their furry friend to this kind of indignity?

You can see it in her eyes. She doesn’t want to wear that thing. Okay then, what about Animal instead of Miss Piggy? Animal is cooler, right?

And yet again, we see the vacant stare, and the longing to be set free of that ridiculous getup, and the confusion over being adorned with an image of this weird-looking guy, and probably the desire to go eat a pair of flip-flops.

And sure, you can try putting a pair of sunglasses on Animal, but that won’t help any. Just look at this poor guy:

He’s so uncomfortable, he’s brushed his hair over his eyes so he can’t be recognized. These are available at PetSmart, by the way, but the point I’m trying to make here is: Don’t buy these. Don’t put clothes on your dogs. You’re looking at these Muppet clothes right now, and you’re picturing how they would look on your pal Jake, or Buster, or Lassie if you’re extremely unoriginal. But you should just stop that kind of thinking right this minute. Don’t spend any money on these things — rather, let the money sit in your wallet where it is. That’s right — let it sit. Good. Now let it stay. Stay…

I mean, honestly, an animal completely lacks the capacity to be a fan of The Muppet Show, so there’s no — huh. You know, this one actually looks kind of cool. I mean, if they made it in a human size, I’d probably wear it. Maybe this one would be cool if you named your dog Floyd, or Zoot, or… wait, what am I saying? Dogs don’t need clothes!

Aw, but look at this guy. He’s… he’s wearin’ a Kermit shirt! He’s a cute doggie wearin’ a Kermit shirt and his name is Rusty and his favorite Muppet song is “Movin’ Right Along!”