For many weeks, the Muppet fan community has been buzzing over the announcement that actor Jason Segel, who costars on How I Met Your Mother and who wrote and starred in Forgetting Sarah Marshall has been signed to write the next new Muppet movie. This announcement has given us all a reason to go on living, but it’s also raised many questions. Jason Segel has done hundreds of interviews in the past few months, what with promoting Sarah Marshall and talking about his next movie, and most of the interviewers ask him about the Muppet project.
But you don’t have time to read hundreds of interviews. You have more important things to do, like shaving your alpaca. Fortunately, Tough Pigs is once again here to save your life, with our Frequently Asked Questions About the New Muppet Movie That That Guy Jason Segel Is Writing, otherwise known by the useful abbreviation FAQATNMMTTGJSIW.
Rest assured: We have all the answers.
Q: When will the new movie start filming?
A: We don’t know.
Q: When will the new movie be released?
A: We don’t know.
Q: What will the new movie be called?
A: We don’t know. But it will absolutely, positively not be called Muppets Underwater.
Q: Why?
A: Jason Segel has made it very clear the he really, really doesn’t like the movie Muppets Underwater.
Q: Wait, is that a real thing?
A: No. Presumably, he made it up as an example of the type of gimmicky Muppet movie he doesn’t want to make.
Q: Okay. But if it were a real thing, what would the story be?
A: It would be about the government hiring a team of the world’s leading scientists (the Muppets) to explore the remains of a 357-year-old shipwreck off the coast of Africa which is rumored to be haunted… but first they have to avoid getting eaten by sharks!
Q: Huh. Okay. So if Muppets Underwater were a real movie, what bonus features would be on the DVD?
A: Commentary by director Michael Bay, Kermit the Frog, and breakout new Muppet character Marty the Rappin’ Giant Squid, and a featurette on the making of the incredible “rat synchronized swimming” sequence.
Q: Wow, that sounds really — wait a minute! Aren’t we supposed to be talking about the new script?
A: Oh yeah.
Q: Who will direct the new movie?
A: Nick Stoller, Segel’s buddy who directed Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Q: Is Jason Segel a real Muppet fan?
A: Yes. His script for Forgetting Sarah Marshall included a few Muppet references. And in fact, he got the Muppet gig by pitching his idea to Disney.
Q: By the way, is his last name spelled “Segel” or “Segal”?
A: Yes.
Q: Is there a big Hollywood star that Jason Segel would compare to Kermit the Frog?
A: Yeah… Tom Hanks. Segel has mentioned several times that he sees Kermit’s “Everyman” appeal as very similiar to that of Hanks. Can’t you just see Kermit starring in Splash or The Man With One Red Shoe?
Q: So what’s the plot of the new movie?
A: We don’t know a lot yet, but Segel has revealed that it involves Kermit rounding up all the Muppets to put on a big show to save the Muppet Theater from a greedy oil tycoon who wants to get at the oil reserves located under the theater.
Q: Haven’t they already done that “put on a show” thing?
A: Yeah, pretty much. But this one will be… different. Somehow. Maybe.
Q: Will my favorite character be in the movie?
A: Segel and Stoller have commited to working in all the major classic Muppet Show characters, right down to Sam the Eagle and Statler and Waldorf. But if your favorite character is a more obscure, latter-day creation, you might be out of luck. Sorry, Spamela Hamderson fans.
Q: Statler and Waldorf? Who are they?
A: The old guys.
Q: Has Jason Segel written a cameo for Charles Grodin?
A: Why, yes, he has. Though that doesn’t necessarily mean Grodin will agree to do it. There were 12 years between his last two movie roles.
Q: Will there be any other cameos?
A: Yes. Segel wants to capture the feel of the first three theatrical Muppet films, and celebrity cameos will be a part of that. He has mentioned that his pals Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, and Mila Kunis all want to be in the movie.
Q: I want to be in the movie.
A: Me too!
Q: Will Jason Segel appear in the film?
A: Most likely. Nick Stoller has mentioned that there’s a part for Segel as a ventriloquist whose dummy dreams of being a Muppet.
Q: I saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Will Jason Segel be naked in the Muppet movie?
A: No. But Kermit will.
Q: Will there be lots and lots of CGI effects in the movie?
A: Gosh, we hope not.
Q: Will the movie be good?
A: Gosh, we hope so.
Extra special thanks to Tough Pigs’ own Joe Hennes for creating the pictures for this article.
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