Breaking News, Part One

Published: April 1, 2003

Breaking News

Part 1: Tortoise vs Hare

Cast: Jim Henson (Kermit), Jerry Nelson (Rabbit, Race Announcer, Animals), Frank Oz (Turtle, Animals).

Kermit

Hey, Benny, put two dollars on Goody Two Shoes in the 4th. Hm? On camera? No, on Goody Two Shoes. Oh, I’m on camera. Oh! Ahem. Kermit the Frog here for Sesame Street Sports, and we’re coming to you now from the famous race between the Tortoise and the Hare — or the Turtle and the Rabbit, as they’re sometimes known to sports fans — and the race is about to begin here. We’d like to have a couple of words with some of the racers… here’s Mr Rabbit here.

Kermit	Pardon me, Mr Rabbit! Kermit the Frog, Sesame Street Sports here — can I ask you a couple of questions?
Rabbit	Oh, yeah, sure, sure.
Kermit	Well, some people say that you’re the fastest animal on paws. Is that correct?
Rabbit	Oh, yeah, Jumpin’ Jack Rabbit, they call me. Hey, you wanna see fast, frog?
Kermit	Yeah, I certainly would.
Rabbit	THIS is fast!
Kermit	Let’s see it.

	[ ZIP! The rabbit zips away. ]
Kermit	Wow! That is really, uh — [ ZIP! He goes by in the other direction ] — You’re not kidding, that is — [ ZIP! ] — That is really fast, folks, that is really fast, and you saw it here on Sesame Street Sports, uh, but here comes the other runner right now, this is the Tortoise, or the Turtle…
	[ The Turtle approaches — and walks right into Kermit without noticing. ]
Kermit	Uh, pardon me, uh, Mr Turtle, uh, excuse me, excuse me, this is Kermit the Frog of Sesame Street Sports here, can I ask you a couple of questions, Mr Turtle?
Turtle	Hmmmmmmmm?

Kermit	I was wondering, uh, some people say that you’re too slow to win this race, uh, what do you say to that, uh, Turtle, are you too slow to win this race?
Turtle	I don’t … know …
Kermit	Uh huh, well, that doesn’t —
Turtle	… why …
Kermit	Oh.
Turtle	… they … say … that …
Kermit	Yeah, well, it, uh —
Turtle	… I’m …
	[ Kermit isn’t sure whether to wait for the Turtle to finish or not. He puts the microphone to the Turtle’s mouth, takes it away, puts it back. Finally, he takes it away. ]
Kermit	Well, I just…
Turtle	… slow …
	[ Kermit is saved by a trumpet fanfare. ]
Kermit	Oh! I think the race is about to begin. In one second, you’re going to see it here, folks.
Anncr	Will the racers report to the starting line for the feature race!
Kermit	Yes, folks, it’s going to happen in just one second, folks! And remember, you saw it here on Sesame Street Sports!

Anncr	They’re at the starting mark… and… they’re OFF!
Kermit	And they’re off, folks! And they’re off! And there goes the race! And the Turtle is heading on down the track! Look at the Turtle go! The Turtle is actually moving out, folks! But the Rabbit — the Rabbit hasn’t moved! The Rabbit is still at the starting post! Folks, let’s go over and talk to that Rabbit — can we? Uh, pardon me, Mr Rabbit — the Turtle’s already moved out — he’s heading out down the track, and you’re just standing here, can you tell us, uh, exactly, uh, why you’re just standing here, huh?
Rabbit	Hey, listen, I’m so fast, I can afford to just hang around here for a while, and STILL win this race! Now, buzz off, frog!
Kermit	Well! You heard it on Sesame Street Sports, folks! But I think I’m gonna head on down to the finish line and see who actually wins this race, huh?
Rabbit	[ sings: ] Camptown Races five miles long, doo dah, doo dah, Camptown Racers sing this song, all the doo-dah day…

Kermit	Well, here we are at the finish line, folks…
Anncr	The winner of the race is… KERMIT the FROG!
Kermit	What?
	[ Animals crowd around Kermit adoringly, and drape a wreath of flowers over his neck. ]
Animal	The frog won, yay! The frog won! Terrific, frog!
Animal	Great race, froggie!

Animal	Did you see that? That was terrific!
Kermit	Thank you, uh…
Animal	I knew you could do it!
Animal	Wow! That was great!
Kermit	This is Kermit the Frog… uh, the new champion… returning you to your studio…
Animal	Look at the legs on that frog! Is that powerful!