Part Two: Eye Contact
Kermit
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Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we are back here on Larry King Live with my very special guest, Mr. Ted Koppel. Now, Ted, I understand that you’ve had a very distinguished career — up until tonight, of course. But I understand that you do some other things outside of the normal realm of what news people do, like, for instance, impressions. [ Ted stares at him. ] Hello. Are you alive? |
Ted
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Keep the eye contact there, Kermit, at all times. No, I don’t do impressions on interview programs. |
Kermit
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Oh, I see, so… Oh, this is one of your tips. |
Ted
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What, one of the tips is not to do impressions, or not to ask your guests to do impressions? |
Kermit
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Well, probably both. No, the eye contact thing. |
Ted
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The eye contact thing, that’s — |
Kermit
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Should I always look at people when I’m talking — |
Ted
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Always look — if you sort of look them right in the eye… May I try something while you’re doing that? |
Kermit
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Well, I suppose. |
Ted
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[ He leans over to one side, and Kermit follows him. ] Now, that’s amazing. That really is amazing. |
Kermit
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So I just follow you wherever you go? |
Ted
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How do you do that? |
Kermit
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So I should do that with Hulk Hogan later? |
Ted
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I think, if you do that with Hulk Hogan, he will be mush in your hands. |
Kermit
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In my flippery, gooey, little hands. |
Ted
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Yes. |
Kermit
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Well, that’s a good pointer. You know, I’m very good at that, because, frogs, you can’t tell when they blink. We have a transparent eyelid, some of us. And I can blink without my guests knowing it. |
Ted
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You must be doing it, because I haven’t seen you blink yet. |
Kermit
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I am. You’ll never tell. |
Ted
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I never can. |
Kermit
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So, you don’t want to do impressions? |
Ted
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I can’t see you sweat, either. |
Kermit
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I want you to do an impression. |
Ted
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What kind of an impression would you like me to do? |
Kermit
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Well, let’s see. Can you do somebody, like, say, a political person, a political figure? |
Ted
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[ doing an awfully good Ross Perot impression: ] Well, actually, now, since you’re sitting on the other side of that desk, I think maybe I ought to do Ross Perot. What do you think about Ross Perot? |
Kermit
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Wow. |
Ted
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Wow. |
Kermit
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That’s very good. |
Ted
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Well, actually, it wasn’t very good. But that’s what you’re going to get if you ask someone who doesn’t do impressions for a living to do impressions. |
Kermit
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Yeah, well, okay. So I won’t ask that question. Okay, here’s another one for you. |
Ted
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Go to the next page. |
Kermit
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Yeah. Let me ask a serious question. How about that? |
Ted
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Go ahead? |
Kermit
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Now, you know, you’re on a late-night television show that’s on opposite people like Leno and Letterman. |
Ted
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Right. |
Kermit
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Do you sort of feel any competitive stuff going on with those guys, or is it just sort of fun? |
Ted
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Well, it is kind of fun. I mean, both of them, Leno and Letterman, are both very, very good. I mean, to give you a serious answer, you asked me a serious question. |
Kermit
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Sure. |
Ted
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In a sense, we’re kind of lucky, because Nightline is the only program that’s on at that time of night that is not, you know, an entertainment program. It’s the only news program that’s on at that time of night. So, we have an audience of people, just like your audience, or Larry’s audience — |
Kermit
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Sure. |
Ted
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— that is not necessarily looking for entertainment And, if I may say so, tonight that’s probably a good thing. |
Kermit
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I think you’re right. |
Ted
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Yeah. |
Kermit
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Now, how did I do? |
Ted
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So far, I’d say about a C-plus. |
Kermit
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I haven’t broken eye contact, though. |
Ted
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You haven’t broken eye contact, but you haven’t reduced me to tears yet, either. |
Kermit
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Oh, I didn’t know about that part. That must be on page three. |
Ted
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No, those are the Barbara Walters kind of questions. |
Kermit
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I see. |
Ted
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Do you have any of those down there? |
Kermit
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I don’t. I don’t have any Barbara Walters questions. I could ask you something about your childhood. |
Ted
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You could do that. |
Kermit
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How was your childhood? |
Ted
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It was lovely, thank you. How was yours? |
Kermit
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It was great. I was a tadpole. |
Ted
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Yeah? |
Kermit
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Yeah. |
Ted
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Where? |
Kermit
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Oh, in the swamp. |
Ted
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What did you… What do tadpoles do? Do they moult? I mean, how do they become — |
Kermit
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No, no, we just — we start out with no legs, we grow legs, and then we hop out on the land. And then we come do late-night talk shows. It’s just a common frog thing. And, by the way, I think we have another call from Hollywood. Go ahead. |
Piggy
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Hel-looo. |
Kermit
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Oh, no. |
Ted | Uh oh. She’s back. |
Piggy
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Kermit? |
Kermit
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Yes, Piggy? |
Piggy
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This is extremely boring. |
Kermit
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Well, I’m trying my best, Piggy. |
Ted
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Piggy, Piggy — can I get in for a moment? |
Piggy
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Yes. |
Ted
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It’s not his fault. He is asking scintillating, he is asking scathing, he is asking extraordinarily intelligent questions. |
Kermit
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Well, thank you, Ted. |
Ted
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But, I must say, I was expecting to come here tonight and to be interviewed by Larry King, and I am a little disconcerted. Sitting across from a frog is not quite the same thing. |
Piggy
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Theodore, are you miffed? |
Ted
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Miffed? |
Piggy
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Are you miffed? |
Ted
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No, I’m not miffed. |
Piggy
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Are you in a snit? |
Ted
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I’m not in a snit. I’m just sort of — you know, by the time you sort of get your sea legs on this program, it’s time to go. |
Piggy
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I know the feeling. |
Kermit
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That’s sort of the way I’m going to feel later. Piggy… |
Piggy
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Yes. I tell you, I’ll just hang up, because, of course, what you two men are talking about it much more interesting than a little woman like moi, of course. |
Kermit
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Piggy… |
Ted
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Piggy, may I suggest, why don’t you throw a question out, and let’s just see what a woman’s question would elicit? |
Kermit
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I think that’s a very good idea, Ted. |
Ted
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Go for it, Piggy. |
Piggy
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Fine. I would like to ask an intelligent question. |
Ted
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I would like to hear an intelligent question. |
Piggy
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Ted, I love those stupid pet tricks you do. Do you have any inspiration for any more? |
Ted
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No, actually, I — you see, now, she knows something that you don’t know. |
Kermit
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About your stupid pet tricks? |
Ted
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I did a stupid human trick on the David Letterman show. |
Kermit
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Oh. |
Ted
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Years ago. Must have been about eight years ago. |
Piggy
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I was a child then. |
Ted
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You were a little piglet in those days. |
Piggy
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Yes. |
Ted
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I balanced a dog bone on my nose. And only someone as astute as Miss Piggy — |
Piggy
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Could you say that again, please? |
Ted
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Only someone as astute — |
Kermit
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Astute. Astute. |
Ted
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Astute, rhymes with cute, Miss Piggy. |
Piggy
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Thank you. I love vous, too. |
Ted
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Only someone as astute as Miss Piggy would have thought to inject that into this otherwise rambling interview that we’re doing. |
Kermit
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Well, I understand we are rambling quite a bit. And I — I guess I have to say that I appreciate the question, Miss Piggy. |
Piggy
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Thank vous. And I want both of you to know that you can go ahead and talk the silly man talk now. I have photographers waiting. |
Ted
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How about those Cowboys, huh? |
Kermit
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Yeah, those Cowboys. Those Rangers. Yeah. Those Gators. I like the Gators myself. |
Ted
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The Gators, too. |
Piggy
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Kissy kissy, Ted. |
Ted
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Kissy kissy, Miss Piggy. |
Piggy
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Oh, thank vous. |
Ted
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Thank vous, too. |
Piggy
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Yeah. Later, Frog. |
Kermit
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Bye bye, Piggy. |
Piggy
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Yeah, bye. |
Kermit
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You know, what do you do — do you ever do a call-in show, Ted, or is your show strictly without telephone calls? |
Ted
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No, and I must say, after tonight, if I had had any inclination to do a call-in show, I think Miss Piggy would have convinced me otherwise. |
Kermit
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Could we go into commercial with a song? |
Ted
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Whose? |
Kermit
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Well, yours. I understand you like to sing and dance. |
Ted
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Which song? |
Kermit
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Oh, how about “She’ll Be Coming Round The Mountain”? |
Ted
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No. I don’t do “She’ll Be Coming Round The Mountain”. |
Kermit
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Well, you name it, then. Whatever song you’d like to do. |
Ted
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If I’d only thought to prepare, I would have done a song on frogs. But I don’t have a song on frogs. I did do — all right, I’ll tell you what, I did a song once that I wrote, in China, when I was over there with President Nixon. You remember President Nixon? |
Kermit
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Sure, sure. |
Ted
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And we went to the Great Wall of China. And I did this — I did this song once on David Letterman’s show, so if I did it for him, I guess I can do it for you. |
Kermit
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That would be great. |
Ted
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All right. It’s called, “It’s a Grand Old Wall.” |
Kermit
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“A Grand Old Wall”! By Mr. Ted Koppel. |
Ted
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If you want to hum along — |
Kermit
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Okay. |
Ted
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Do frogs hum? |
Kermit
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Sure. Go for it. |
Ted
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Go ahead. Let me hear you hum. [ Kermit hums a few bars of “It’s a Grand Old Flag.” ] Yeah, that’s it. That’s the right song. All right, ready? |
Kermit
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I’ll pick up the tempo. |
Ted
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One, two, three:It’s a grand old wall It’s a long-standing wall Wins the prize for its size and its age. [ Kermit starts humming along, Gonzo enters and joins in. ] It gave just rewards to the Mongol hordes, |
Kermit
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Very good. |
Gonzo
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Thank you! |
Kermit
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Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ted Koppel. |
Gonzo
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Ted Koppel! |
Kermit
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We’ll be right back. |
Gonzo
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Thank you! Thank you. |
by Danny Horn