Part Four : Another Coffee Break
Wilkins Coffee ads
Late 1950’s
Hey, you feel like reading some more Wilkins Coffee ads? No? (BOOM!) Now do you feel like reading them?
And they say commercials don’t teach you anything.
|
Grocery Store |
|
| [ Wontkins enters a grocery store. ] | |
| Wontkins
|
What kind of coffee do you sell? |
| Wilkins
|
Wilkins Coffee! |
| Wontkins
|
Don’t you have any other kind? |
| Wilkins
|
Sure, we have it. But we don’t sell it! |
|
Stranger |
|
| [ Wilkins and Wontkins are wearing cowboy hats and bandanas. Wilkins has a gun drawn on Wontkins. ] | |
| Wilkins
|
Howdy, stranger. I hear you don’t drink Wilkins Coffee. |
| Wontkins
|
Yeah, so what? |
| [ BANG! Wontkins falls. Wilkins turns his gun on the audience. ] | |
| Wilkins
|
Now, there any other strangers in town? |
|
William Tell |
|
| [ Wilkins is William Tell, with a bow and arrow. Wontkins trembles, an apple on his head. ] | |
| Wontkins
|
Okay, William Tell, this better be good! |
| Wilkins
|
Do you drink Community Coffee? |
| Wontkins
|
[ offscreen ] NO! |
| [ BOINNNNG! Wilkins lets the arrow fly. ] | |
| Wilkins
|
[ shrugs ] We can still use the apple again. |
|
Umpire |
|
| [ Wontkins has a baseball bat. Wilkins is dressed as an umpire. ] | |
| Wontkins
|
Well, what was it? A ball or a strike? |
| Wilkins
|
Do you drink Community Coffee? |
| Wontkins
|
No! |
| Wilkins
|
Stee-rike three, you’re OUT! |
|
Survey |
|
| [ Wilkins has a pad and pencil. ] | |
| Wilkins
|
Next question. What do you think of Wilkins Coffee? |
| Wontkins
|
It’s wonderful! Delicious! |
| Wilkins
|
[ turns to audience: ] You see, friends — |
| Wontkins
|
Now pay me the ten bucks! |
|
“Gossips” |
|
| [ Soap-opera organ music. Wilkins and Wontkins are dressed in blonde wigs and blouses. ] | |
| Wilkins | How’s your husband? |
| Wontkins
|
He takes me to dinner. |
| Wilkins
|
That’s good! |
| Wontkins
|
And he drinks. |
| Wilkins
|
That’s bad. |
| Wontkins
|
I mean he drinks Wilkins Coffee! |
| Wilkins
|
Oh, that’s GOOD! |
|
Sleeping Beauty |
|
| [ Fairy-tale castle bedroom. Wilkins enters, dressed in a prince costume, and approaches the bed. ] | |
| Wilkins
|
Awake, Sleeping Beauty! It’s Prince Charming, with Wilkins Coffee! |
| [ Wontkins pops up in the bed, wearing a blonde wig. ] | |
| Wontkins
|
I don’t drink Wilkins! |
| Wilkins
|
I’ve waited a hundred years for this old hag. |
| [ Wilkins grimaces. Wontkins ducks back under the covers. ] | |
by Danny Horn
