The Ugly Muppet Toy Pageant 2010: RESULTS!

And now, the moment you’ve been waiting for: The moment of ugly Muppet toys. To kick things off, here’s our special guest, A Well-Worn, Freaked-Out Elmo Doll (submitted by Colby B), to reiterate the rules of the pageant.

“YAAAAAAHHH. Over the past few weeks, the Ugly Toy contestants were rated, evaluated, and in some cases hated by the Tough Pigs community at large. People rated each toy on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being “not that ugly” and 5 being “extreeeeemely ugly.” And now we’ll count down the “winners,” starting with the Not That Ugly toys, and working up to the toys that have been voted by our readers as the ugliest toys of the year. Color commentary from the voters is provided for your entertainment. Also, WAAAAAAUGH.”

Thanks, A Well-Worn, Freaked-Out Elmo Doll! I couldn’t have said it better myself. And now, on with the results.

Not Really That Ugly

“This must be like one of those college-era Ernie photos he keeps buried really deep in his photo album, and God forbid Bert finds it and uploads it to Facebook.” –Mike C

“Not a bad Baby Ernie, but I gave it an extra .5 since it looks like he’s strangling Rubber Duckie.” –Tim D

“He’s pretty adorable! Perfection is outside his grasp but he’s not a crime against humanity.” –Tim H

“…I had some trouble reading the word ‘duckie’ at the bottom, because the ‘u’ and the ‘c’ looked like they were closing up into ‘o’s’. But if they were ‘o’s’, then Ernie would be a coprophagiac.” –Shari M

“Never before has Barkley’s single cold, unblinking eye looked more terrifying. Oh, that’s his nose? Could have fooled me…” – David B

“I spend 2 1/2 hours every morning trying to get my hair to look like that. Some guys have all the luck…” -Ian P

“He looks like he may be made partially of fire, but really, not that bad.” –S-Lizzy X

“It’s funny because his hair is all a-crazy like a wind machine.” –Anthony S

“Rosita is being sucked into an abyss of darkness!” –John C

“I’ve actually seen this one in the stores–it came with a Super Grover beanie, a cat, a tree to get the cat stuck in, and a phone booth to hold everyone. For that reason alone this toy would be awesome. But judged solely on its appearances, it’s still not so bad.” –Evan

“Rosita as a ghost. Or given the Frankenstein-shock treatment. Spooky in a cute way.” –Tim D

“Ay yi yi, Rosita. Su pelo está loco.” –Lucy P

“ME THOUGHT THIS OUTFIT LOOKED GOOD IN STORE BUT NOW ME THINK NOT SO MUCH.” –Colby B

“Me do anything for cookie! Even wear this multicolored garbage bag that cut off circulation in me hands, feet, and head. Me feel dizzy.” –Joe H

“Finally! Donut-faced Cookie Monster has joined Cirque du Soleil! What the true fans are asking for!” –John C

“I think my grandma made me a clown costume out of that very same material when I was 6.” –Peter P

“Ha Ha! Cookie Monster look-a like a clown!” –Anthony S

“Aside from the choice to spell ‘Pook-a-Looz’ with a ‘z,’ nothing bothers me about this product.” — Evan

“I don’t think that’s the kind of gag Fozzie had in mind. Get it? Gag? AHH, WOCKA WOCKA!” –Colby B

“Why are we running over Muppet toys so they are all flat?” -Alicia

“And what the snot is a pook-a-whatever anyway?” –Raeann S

“On model? No. Intended to be? No. Playing with a distinctive and fun new aesthetic? Yes. Celebrate them.” –Ian P

“It’s cute. It is the single worst idea anyone ever had and I wouldn’t even be happy to get this as a gift, but it is not ugly.” –Evan

“You can’t fool me: that’s Mickey Mouse in greenface. I’m offended.” –Mike C

“I did not want to see a Muppet equivalent of David Bowie’s pants!” –Tim D

“That forehead be laaaaaaaaaaaaarge!” –Anthony S

“I understand that there are many people who’d like to hang Elmo (for obvious reasons), but I never thought they’d want to hang him on a Christmas tree.” –Robert P

“Elmo’s not too shabby-looking as a hand grenade.” –Michal R

“Guess what Elmo’s thinking about today? Nothing, because his synapses seem to have fried.” –Evan

“As your present this year, Santa froze Elmo in liquid nitrogen. Merry Christmas, Muppet fans!” –Joe H

SEMI-FINALISTS: KIND OF UGLY

“Hey, my gym teacher had eyes like that!” –Miranda

“A jaundiced Woody Woodpecker.” –David B

“Complete with ‘Flock of Big Birds’ haircut.” –Ian P

“Clearly that puppeteer’s hands are much colder than Karen Prell’s.” –David B

“They did that on purpose. They must have.” –Tim H

“Looks like she’s just as confused about the whole Dr. Doozer thing as the rest of us…” –Justin P

“Red alert. Red scare. Look out; it’s the Red menace. We have a code Red here. What I’m trying to say is that Red will kill you in your sleep.” –Michal R

“Awesome concept, poor execution.” –Scott H

“Burn him.” –Peter P

“Wicked Witch of the West? Nah, more like Wicked Witch of the WEAK!” –Robert P

“Give him a break, he just wants a second job so he can afford a place of his own.” –Tim H

“If you look at it a different way, like if it’s in a dark room and your eyes are squinted, it’s good.” –Daniel

“This — THIS — is why Mokey is always left out of merch.” –Justin W

“I suspect Mokey’s been seeing a shrink.” –GG

“The only hobo in Fraggle Rock…” -John C

“It’s funny because her head all tiny!” –Anthony S

“This looks like its creator made it based solely on a voicemail description.” –Ian P

“Think of it as an inexplicably crocheted and porcine Heidi and it’s adorable.” –Justin W

“So I’m not the only one who keeps loose change in there? What a relief.” –Michal R

“Wow, nothing says happy Muppet fun like Quadruple Bypass Piggy!”” –Miranda

“Introducing ‘Slitty Titty Piggy.'” –Peter P

“Suffice it to say I feel so sorry for her that I WANT to put a quarter there.” –Mike C

“God bless the 70s.” –Max S

SECOND RUNNER-UP

“Gotta love the appreciation to detail here–I remember the episode where Red refused to drop that banana so she started melting. Good times.” –Evan

“I have this dreadful feeling that she’s pulled that banana out of her head, where two more are growing.” –Justin W

“It doesn’t matter where Red threw the banana’s peel; she’s not gonna be slipping on it with those GIANT FREAK FEET.” –Joe H

“Iiiih gooooooohhhht deeeeeeeeh baaaahnaaaahnaaah frooohm oooooooovehhh deeeeeeehhhrrrr!” –Mike C

FIRST RUNNER-UP

“Looks like someone ran over Zoe with the Zoemobile.” –Joe H

“HER EYEBALLS ARE MELTING.” –GG

“The unfocused chameleonesque eyes are the selling point, but at least she doesn’t have Tiny Zoe’s mustache.” –Evan

“Between this and the ‘Doormouse Zoe’ puppet build, I am convinced that Zoe has a ‘size to ugliness’ ratio.” –Mike C

“I’ve got to eat this Zoe. Before she eats me.” –Michal R

AND NOW, HERE HE IS… THE WINNER OF THE INTERNATIONAL TROPHY OF MUPPET TOY UGLINESS!

“Nightmares.” –Scott H

“I can’t tell. Is he supposed to be a possum werewolf half-breed?” –Peter P

“It’s funny because he have-a red feet!” –Anthony S

“The crooked beak, the tiny eyes staring in opposite directions, the halo of lint-colored fuzz, the two mysterious brown feathers near the top of his head, the hunter-orange vest paired with a ghastly green neck ribbon…nothing about this toy is right.” –GG

“Toccata, vous étes extrémement laid. Désolé.” –Lucy P

“Why do I have the sneaking suspicion that last year’s winning Big Bird doll went to Mexico for some cheap plastic surgery and threw on a Fancy French outfit just so he could win again!?” –Justin P

“I don’t know who Toccata is, therefore I’m going to go on assuming he always looks like a drowned rat.” –Joe H

“toccata looks like he just got run over,hit in the face with a ten pound brick, got blown up,got shot and maimed by a steel base ball bat with sharp spikes allover it,and someone hit him with a hammer,someone reranged his eyes,and shot him again” –Elizabeth C

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is an Ugly Toy Pageant first. A character from a non-American co-production of Sesame Street has taken the top(?) prize! I hope our French readers are suitably proud and/or disgusted.

Thanks to everyone who voted and everyone who submitted toys! Click here to put coins in your cleavage on the Tough Pigs forum!

by Ryan Roe — Ryan@ToughPigs.com