Well, The Muppets is coming back tomorrow. I don’t know about you, but although I’ve been acting brave in front of my Kermit and Fozzie dolls, I’m a little nervous. Will viewers who drifted away from the show in the fall come back to check it out? Will they like it? How different will it be with a new showrunner in charge, and will the changes work out? It can be very stressful being a Muppet fan.
I’m feeling really optimistic about the return of The Muppets, but I know there are some less Muppet-obsessed viewers who won’t want to watch unless all of their many complaints about the series have been addressed. These people may not know the names of more than four characters, and they may not have seen more than two Muppet movies, but gosh darn it, they know exactly what they want the Muppets to be. Their criticisms are likely to include “Kermit’s too mean” and “Kermit and Piggy should be married” and “The show should be exactly like I remember The Muppet Show from when I was a kid, even though I haven’t actually watched an episode of it since I was 10 years old.”
But just in case the audience at large doesn’t respond well to the upcoming episodes, I’ve been spending twelve hours every day since the last episode working a 100% flawless, can’t-miss attempt at one more relaunch. I believe it will make all the complainers happy by giving them exactly what they want. So far I’ve only written the first scene of the first episode, but if the producers want to use my script, they’re welcome to it and I’ll happily write more. All I ask in return is five million dollars and a coupon entitling me to hang out with Tom Bergeron for an afternoon. Anyway, here it is:
Kermit enters the backstage of the Muppet Theater, which we all totally remember from The Muppet Show.
Kermit: Hi-ho, Scooter! Kermit the Frog here!
Scooter: Good morning, boss!
Kermit: How’s the show looking today?
Scooter: Great! The whole crew is getting along and there are no conflicts.
Kermit: Are there any adult references going on?
Scooter: Nope!
Kermit: Hey, that’s nice! You know, I’m just such a nice guy that all I care about ever is making sure everyone is happy and gets along and follows their dreams.
Scooter: Yeah, I know.
Kermit: Say, have you seen Denise or any other Muppets the audience isn’t intimately familiar with from 30 years ago?
Scooter: I sure haven’t, Chief. I think they’re all dead.
Kermit: Ha ha! That’s great!
Miss Piggy enters.
Kermit: Hi-ho, Miss Piggy!
Miss Piggy: Kissy-kissy, Kermie!
Kermit: I sure am glad we’re a couple and there’s no tension between us, dramatic, comedic, or otherwise. Aren’t you?
Miss Piggy: I sure am, Kermie!
Kermit: Are you ready for your Veterinarian’s Hospital sketch, your Pigs in Space sketch, and our weekly duet of “Rainbow Connection” on tonight’s show?
Miss Piggy: Of course moi am ready! And moi can’t wait to work with tonight’s guest star, Scott Baio!
Kermit: Yeah. Hey, we should go on a date later, but not talk about it. Oh, hi-ho, Fozzie! How’s it going?
Fozzie: Hi, Kermit! Wocka wocka! Ahhhh! It’s going great! I’m definitely not dating anyone, and I’m not doing anything very interesting other than telling bad jokes! That’s all I’m doing! Wocka wocka!
Kermit: Oh, good! You know, I have a feeling this is going to be a great show. We have some sketches, an old musical theater song, an even older English music hall song, and the whole thing takes place in a vaudeville theater. The most desirable TV viewing demographics of 2016 will definitely choose this over any of our contemporary competition! Here, everyone, have some cookies — I baked them myself, just for you.
Cookie Monster: COOKIEEE!
Kermit: Oh, Cookie Monster. You’re my favorite character… right here on The Muppet Show! Yaaaaay!
ABC executives, I’ll be waiting for your call!
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by Ryan Roe – Ryan@ToughPigs.com
