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Cookie Monster on Martha Stewart Living
Spring, 2001

cookiemarthaMartha
Well, today we’re so lucky to have with us the master cookie connoisseur of all time.

Cookie
Hi.

Martha
The one and only… what’s your name?

Cookie
Cookie Monster.

Martha
Oh, good.

Cookie
Cooooo-kie Monster!

Martha
You know him, don’t you?

Cookie
Not just Cookie Monster, but Cooooo-kie Monster!

Martha
All right, all right. What’s your favorite cookie, Cookie Monster?

Cookie
Chocolate chippy.

Martha
Oh, Alexis’ famous chocolate chippies?

Cookie
Who?

Martha
Alexis, my daughter!

Cookie
Oh, really? She like that too? She smart girl.

Martha
Yes. She makes the best chocolate chip cookies in the whole world. And maybe — if you’re good, and patient, we can do a project together.

Cookie
Really? Like, build a house?

Martha
Uh, something like that.

Cookie
Yeah? Okay, me get hammer.

Martha
And we’re also going to learn how to keep snakes as pets.

Cookie
Me going to miss that segment.

Martha
You don’t like snakes?

Cookie
No, me got to get a taxi for that one.

Martha
And we’re also going to see some wonderful carved wood replicas. You know what those are? Replicas?

Cookie
Rep-a-lick-as?

Martha
Replicas.

Cookie
Rep-a-lick-as. No, me no know that.

Martha
Of Noah’s Ark, and those wonderful animals who spent a rather long time — how many days and nights? On the Ark?

Cookie
Uh… I think, uh, with room service, two weeks.

Martha
I think they spent a little longer…

Cookie
You know what? Me have no idea what you talking about.

Martha
Okay. But stay tuned, we have a really great show. Including… Cookie Monster.

Cookie
What she say.

[ Theme song ]

[ Open with Martha combing Cookie Monster’s fur with a fork. ]

Martha
How does that feel?

Cookie
Good. You getting fleas?

Martha
No, no fleas. You’re very clean.

Cookie
Thank you very much. That feel good.

Martha
Well. We love to make cookies on this show.

Cookie
COOKIES?

Martha
Yes, cookies!

Cookie
Cook — me wonder why me here! You going to make COO-KIES?

Martha
We have a cookie of the week…

Cookie
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

Martha
Guess how many cookies we’ve made over the years, of the week.

Cookie
… Whuh?

Martha
One hundred and fifty different cookies of the week.

Cookie
Name them all.

Martha
Oh, my gosh. Well, they start with Alexis’…

Cookie
Never mind! Me no want to hear. Me just want to eat. Where the cookies? Where cookies?

Martha
No cookies, no cookies. We’re trying to make a project first.

Cookie
A house?

Martha
No… I’ll tell you what it is, as we go along. This is a very special recipe, in your honor.

Cookie
Hey, Martha?

Martha
Yes?

Cookie
Why are all lights and cameras here, in your kitchen?

Martha
Oh, because this is a studio.

Cookie
Oh. Because on Sesame Street, me have all lights and cameras around. Me no understand that. Me no get it.

Martha
Oh, yes you do. You’re a professional.

Cookie
Professional what?

Martha
You’re a professional.

Cookie
Me professional monster.

Martha
Yes, exactly.

Cookie
What you doing?

Martha
Well, I’m cutting up some chocolate. It’s one of the ingredients of our project. And in this big electric mixer — I just want it chunky.

Cookie
That a big electric mixer. Yes. Wow.

Martha
Yes. You’re very nice. I’ve never met Cookie Monster in person before…

Cookie
You like touching me, don’t you?

Martha
Yes, I do. I like furry animals.

Cookie
Really.

Martha
I do. We’re going to make what we call Chewy Cherry Chunk… that’s the code name. So, in this bowl, we have already creamed some butter. Half a cup. How much is half a cup of butter?

Cookie
Oh… ’bout my mouth full.

Martha
One stick. Right. One stick of unsalted butter at room temperature, and a half a cup of granulated sugar, and a half a cup of light brown sugar. So keep the speed on medium until it’s well combined… add one egg. I like blue eggs. They matches you, Cookie Monster, look.

Cookie
Oh, look, a blue — it’s Easter time! Easter Bunny! Where Easter Bunny?

Martha
No, he’s not here yet. That’s a way away. So, one egg into the mixture. Does this sound familiar, this kind of recipe? What has eggs and sugar and butter?

Cookie
Cake?

Martha
Yeah, cake. But you don’t like cake that much, do you?

Cookie
Oh, me could go for cake. But me LOVE COO-KIES!

Martha
One and three-quarters teaspoon of pure vanilla extract… Smell, smell. You like the vanilla?

Cookie
[ sniffs ] That delicious.

Martha
I like it. Don’t put your nose too far in there, you might get hurt.

Cookie
Me looking at the thing going round.

Martha
And then we’re going to sift one and a half cups of flour… just tipping that in… Flour…

Cookie
[ watching the mixer: ] Me getting sick…

Martha
Are you really an expert in cookies?

Cookie
Scuse me. Got to stop that. Reminder to self: Not look at MixMaster.

Martha
A quarter of a teaspoon of salt… and half a teaspoon of baking soda.

Cookie
Why you saying this aloud?

Martha
Well, I’m trying to teach you a recipe, but you seem to be…

Cookie
Should me write this down?

Martha
No, no, don’t write this down, because you know why? All these recipes are always on the website. And you are internet savvy, aren’t you?

Cookie
Say wha’?

Martha
Internet savvy.

Cookie
What website?

Martha
Savvy. Savvy. Knowledgeable. You know how to go to the website, right?

Cookie
Go to website?

Martha
Yes.

Cookie
What website?

Martha
My website. MarthaStewart.com.

Cookie
Dot wha’?

Martha
Like SesameStreet.com.

Cookie
Martha… me only monster. Me not know that much.

Martha
You are a very smart monster. Now, I’m putting in all the dry ingredients…

Cookie
Anyone know what website is? Anybody?

Martha
Website… Internet…

Cookie
Nobody knows what website is. Me think you imagining it. Web-Site.

Martha
Now, look. This is an important ingredient, Cookie Monster.

Cookie
What?

Martha
These are cherries, dried cherries. They were sour cherries at one time, and they were dried. And now we are reconstituting them, slightly.

Cookie
They look wet to me! They look wet!

Martha
Smell, smell.

Cookie
Truth in advertising! They not dry!

Martha
Well, they’re wet now, cause I reconstituted them in water.

Cookie
You re-what-uted them?

Martha
So that’s one cup of dried cherries, and you plump them in water. Three quarters of a cup of chopped white chocolate…

Cookie
You sure me should not be writing this down?

Martha
Don’t write it down, believe me, it’s on the website. And don’t forget, one half cup of coarsely chopped milk chocolate, which I love. This is my favorite ingredient in this whole… thing that we’re making. This whole project. Milk chocolate.

Cookie
Me like it too.

Martha
And pecans.

Cookie
Are we taping?

Martha
Oh, definitely. So now I’m going to turn this on, last little mix. And don’t mix it too much because you don’t want to mess up all those chocolate chunks. Now, this is Project X. Can we call it Project X, Cookie Monster?

Cookie
Martha, it your show. You can call whatever you want. You could call it Shirley. Couldn’t we call it Shirley?

Martha
Yes.

Cookie
Okay.

Martha
Now, here — three on a tray.

Cookie
Three Shirleys on tray!

Martha
Pre-heat your oven to 350…

Cookie
Me no got oven on me.

Martha
Okay, but we have one over on the wall.

Cookie
Oh, lucky.

Martha
Yes, we’re very lucky.

Cookie
Almost as if it were planned!

Martha
Yes. Big scoops! Bigger, better.

Cookie
Ohhh… delicious looking. Oh, that great. Like ice cream. You making ice cream!

Martha
Yeah, so… just like ice cream, only this is hot ice cream, to start.

Cookie
Hot ice cream! Oxymoron.

Martha
Yes.

Cookie
Heyyy! That not bad! Don’t know what website is, but know oxymoron!

Martha
You’re pretty smart, Cookie Monster, you see? I always thought you were very smart. Now, these are very large cookies. What do you think? Too big?

Cookie
… Cookies?

Martha
Uh oh. Code word. No, no, project, project.

Cookie
… You making cookies?

Martha
No, I made a mistake…

Cookie
Oh, no! Please! Please! Please! Me want cookies!

Martha
No, they’re not cooked yet!

Cookie
Please! Me begging!

Martha
Wait till they’re cooked…

Cookie
[ pulling on Martha’s shirt: ] Martha! Please! Me need cookies!

Martha
[ ignoring him: ] Bake until golden, in a 350 degree oven… and rotate the baking sheets halfway through.

Cookie
Martha! Please, Martha!

Martha
I will take very good care of you, in just a few minutes, okay?

Cookie
Martha. Me begging. Just give me cookies please.

Martha
He really goes nuts, doesn’t he? So we are never going to say cookies ever again.

Cookie
PLEASE, Martha! Me no can take it. Me no can take it…

[ commercial break ]

[ Coming back from commercial: Cookie Monster is actually tied down with rope, wound all around him. He’s struggling against the rope, screaming desperately for cookies. ]

Cookie
Oh, oh! Please!

Martha
I had no idea that Cookie Monster was so voracious, and so… you’re a little bit rude, Cookie Monster.

Cookie
Please! Give me cookie!

Martha
So we had to tie him up… And we’re working on a project. This is Project Cookie Monster, actually. And these wonderful little cookies — these are cut-out cookies! And these are so charming… the template is on the website!

Cookie
Please! Please!

Martha
And now I’ve put on some wonderful black icing, and that’s the mouth of Cookie Monster…

Cookie
Have pity!

Martha
And now I cut out the eyes…

Cookie
Please! Have pity on monster! Me no can reach!

Martha
You just have to ignore him, because he is really noisy… You know, you are struggling too much, Cookie Monster! Wait a little bit…

Cookie
Okay. Me bribe you. You know what me give you if you give me cookie?

Martha
What will you give me?

Cookie
Um… Me got nothing to give you! Pleeeease! Pleeease, Martha!

Martha
Now, you can use these wonderful sprinkles, too…

Cookie
Sprinkles!

Martha
Yes, sprinkles! You don’t like sprinkles, do you, Cookie Monster? Now, this is Project X… Ah-ta-ta-ta! Cookie Monster, oh — he’s so exhausted… But look! Once you’re done, look what you have!

Cookie
Okay, here’s what me do for you. You let me loose, I get you date with Bert.

Martha
Really? Bert?

Cookie
Bert. Mister Excitement.

Martha
I love Bert.

Cookie
Really? Untie me, please.

Martha
I love you better, though, Cookie Monster. Can I have a date with you if I give you a cookie?

Cookie
Please, lady!! Don’t make me beg!!

Martha
Okay, let’s take this off… Just put your little head down…

Cookie
Oh! OH! Aaaah! Aaah! [ Cookie Monster goes absolutely nuts, eating every single cookie in sight, smashing the baking sheets on the ground and shoving everything into his mouth. Finally, when everything’s gone, he calms down, panting. ]

Martha
Cookie Monster, you made a mess of my kitchen!

Cookie
Oh, that good.

Martha
Okay, now. Relax. How many cookies do you need to be satisfied?

Cookie
Me satisfied now.

Martha
Okay. God, you’re choking yourself, Cookie!

Cookie
Me no care. Me no feel pain. Cookies like novocaine!

Martha
Well, there, Cookie Monster. I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re sated.

Cookie
Me what?

Martha
Sated. Satisfied. Are you?

Cookie
Oh, very. Except one thing.

Martha
What?

Cookie
Next time? Personal request from me. Hold the cherries.

Martha
I have just the thing for you. [ gives him a cookie ] Alexis’ famous chocolate chips. No cherries.

Cookie
Purity! Thank you. [ Cookie walks off screen, chomping on the cookie. ] Oh, that good!

Martha
Very interesting, and very rambunctious guest. Wouldn’t you say? I’ll be sure to start making cookies months in advance for his next visit.

Cookie
[ Offscreen: ] See you tomorrow!

Click here for Part 4 of Off the Street: Too Cool For the People!

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