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I’ve heard from some Tough Pigs readers that the Muppet interview transcripts I’ve posted over the last couple months have been a little unsettling. Apparently I only choose the disturbing interviews. Miss Piggy dumping Matt Lauer. Jon Stewart licking Kermit. That kind of thing.

Well, luckily, nothing unsettling like that ever happens when Sesame Street characters do special appearances. Right?

Elmo on Rove[live]
September 4, 2001

roveliveA word of introduction for the few Tough Pigs readers who don’t live in Australia: Rove[live] is a late-night Australian comedy talk show. It’s kind of like Conan O’Brien, but the host is much cuter, and they mention Vegemite. In August, Elmo appeared live via satellite from New York.

Rove
It is indeed an honor to welcome the next guest we have on the show. You may know him best from his toy, Tickle Me Elmo, and there is a new one which is out this Saturday: It’s Tickle Me Elmo Surprise. You can buy it, and then what happens, this is the coolest thing: On January 10th — cause you can tickle him in different places, and on January 10th, there’s a little chip inside that changes where all the ticklish spots are! It’s very cool. Any guest that has a toy — I’ll get them on the damn show! Make no doubt about it. He’s also a star of TV, and his very own movie, plus he’s the only guest we’ve ever had on this show who is covered from head to foot in red fur. He joins us now from New York City — the one, the only — ELMO!

[ The audience goes absolutely spare. ]

Elmo
Awww. That’s wonderful. Thank you, audience. Hello, Mister Rove!

Rove
Hello, Elmo! How are you doing?

Elmo
Is it okay if Elmo calls you Mister Rove, or can Elmo call you Rove?

Rove
You can just call me Rove. Of course you can.

Elmo
Aw, thank you.

Rove
Now, Elmo, one thing I’d like to know is: A lot of us here in Australia are aware of the fact that you are very, very ticklish. Is that true?

Elmo
Well… [giggle] Yeah. Elmo loves being tickled.

Rove
You’re one of those people who always seems to be laughing and having fun. What’s your secret to being so happy?

Elmo
Oh, Elmo just loves life. Elmo has nothing to complain about. Elmo has wonderful friends, and Elmo gets to meet friends like you, and your audience.

[ Audience: awwwww. ]

Rove
They love you. Now, you’re joining us live from New York City. What does a little monster like you do in New York? Such a big city.

Elmo
Oh, it’s a wonderful city! Elmo gets to go with his mommy and daddy to Central Park. And Central Park is wonderful.

Rove
What did you get to do in Central Park? Did you see ducks, did you see horses? Did you go roller skating? What did you do?

Elmo
Elmo got to get on a horse and ride around.

Rove
In one of those carriages, you mean?

Elmo
That’s fun. And there’s a lot of people that roller blade in Central Park too, and that’s fun to watch. Elmo can’t do that yet, but Elmo loves watching it.

Rove
Would you like to roller blade at some point, when you’re older?

Elmo
Of course!

Rove
What was I thinking? What a stupid question! I apologize.

Elmo
Yeah, what’s wrong with you, Rove?

Rove
I’m being told off by a three-year-old red monster! It was bound to happen eventually. Now, Elmo, you have been to Australia before. When you were in Australia, did you pick up any Australian terms?

Elmo
Yeah. One is, uh: “Bloke.” And “G’day.” G’day. G’day. And, um — Vegemite!

Rove
Oh, you like Vegemite!

Elmo
No! Elmo doesn’t like Vegemite! Vegemite is really nasty!

Rove
Do you know what Vegemite is made from?

Elmo
[ shakes his head furiously ] Elmo doesn’t think he wants to know!

Rove
Now, you are only a little monster — you’re only three years old — but you have your own goldfish, Dorothy. Isn’t that a lot of responsibility for a little monster?

Elmo
Rove? Rove! Rove? Elmo is three and a half.

Rove
[ ashamed ] Sorry, Elmo.

Elmo
Where are you getting your information from?

Rove
I haven’t done my homework properly! But is it a lot of responsibility for a little monster to own a goldfish?

Elmo
Oh, yeah, yeah! Because you’ve gotta watch out — when you feed her, you can’t feed her too much, or else she gets sick.

Rove
Ah. So what happens when a goldfish gets sick?

Elmo
You don’t want to know, Rove!

Rove
Best left alone. It’s kind of like where Vegemite comes from. It’s one of those things.

Elmo
Yeah.

Rove
Very much so. We won’t go there. Now, we in Australia are aware of you and a lot of your friends on Sesame Street. Do you get along well with everybody there?

Elmo
Oh, yeah, they’re very funny. Elmo has a great time with Big Bird, and Cookie Monster — oh, and Oscar said to have a rotten night!

Rove
I had a feeling he would. What do you guys get up to in your spare time?

Elmo
Oh, we love to sing — and we love to count, and sing the alphabet. And stuff like that.

Rove
Do you dance? Do you have some funky dance moves?

Elmo
Oh, yeah. You wanna see Elmo dance?

Rove
Oh, yes, please.

[ Elmo does a funny, gyrating monster dance. ]

Rove
Oh, the kid’s good!

Elmo
Thank you!

Rove
Your body is too bootylicious for me, baby.

Elmo
Thank you — oh, guess what, guess what, Rove!

Rove
What?

Elmo
Destiny’s Child is going to come and visit Elmo on Sesame Street!

Rove
Wow! Are you excited about that?

Elmo
Yeah! In December!

Rove
Wow. Because you’ve met some very famous people — you’ve got Destiny’s Child, who you’ve just mentioned, people like Mel Gibson have been on, and other famous people like that. Is it very exciting to meet so many famous celebrities?

Elmo
It’s so much fun! They’re really a lot of fun to get to meet and have fun with, too.

Rove
I sometimes get to meet some celebrities on my show. Do you have any advice for a TV show like myself, when I meet big-name celebrities?

Elmo
Don’t get nervous!

Rove
Okay. And remember their age?

Elmo
They’re just like everybody else. They just make a lot more money than we do!

Rove
Too true, too true. Now, Elmo, do you think — apart from your dancing moves, you’re also a very adept singer. Do you think you could sing a little song about me, perhaps?

Elmo
Oh, okay. [ sings his “Jingle Bells” song ] Rove Rove Rove, Rove Rove Rove… [ etc ]

Rove
That’s good stuff. Thank you very much for joining us — the one, the only, EL-MO!

Elmo
Elmo loves you!

Rove
One of the coolest experiences of my entire life. Thank you, Elmo!

Thanks! to my pal Kynan Barker for sending me this great interview!

Next up in the January Anthology: Oscar the Grouch admits his shameful crush on Hillary Rodham Clinton!

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