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Kynan
Hey, this one has the sort of beginning I was hoping for yesterday. A quick bit of scene-setting. We see the dog, we see the Storyteller, he’s got a ring, then the story starts.

Storyteller: “Let me show you fate through the round of this ring. The girl whose finger fits this ring, she’ll be the queen… The law decrees it.”

Danny
The law decrees it? What a stupid law. You’re just asking for trouble with a law like that.

Kynan
It must have taken forever just to get it out of committee.

Storyteller: “A king had three daughters. Two were bad, one was good.”

Kynan
I like that. If only all personal politics was like that. “You are bad, I am good. You’re fired, and I’m getting a raise.”

Danny
And if only all evil sisters were played by French and Saunders. Look at ’em. This looks like it’ll be actually on-purpose funny, as opposed to just quirky and whimsical.

Courtier: “She who wishes to marry the King must come forward and try the ring! The lucky bride will want for nothing.”

French: “He can’t do THAT!”

Saunders: “He’s too old to be getting married. He ought to be dying shortly.”

Kynan
They’re great, but do they really fit into the show?

Danny
Saunders doesn’t even fit into her wig.

Kynan
Wait a second, two ugly sisters and one pretty one… adorable woodland creatures in Sapsorrow’s room… the Early Germans stole this from Walt Disney!

Danny
Get Hans My Copyright Lawyer on the phone.

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Storyteller: “And then little Sapsorrow does a thing she will long regret. Obediently, she bends, and — oh, folly! — she stoops, and — oh, rash! — she picks up the royal ring, and slips it on for safekeeping!”

Courtier: “Sire… it is the law of the land. The ring fits your child’s finger. You must marry her.”

Kynan
Whoa, Sapsorrow’s going to marry her dad? Why did Disney leave this part out?

Danny
See, that’s what I was saying about this being a problematic law. What if it fit on a toilet plunger, or a backscratcher? You can’t go around marrying things just because they have the right circumference.

Kynan
So now Sapsorrow’s putting off the wedding by being fussy about the dress, an Early German tradition that continues to this day.

Danny
What do you think of the woodland creatures?

Kynan
They’re alarmingly lifelike, and consequently, not as adorable as they could be. More in the area of, uh, rodents.

Danny
But adorable, for vermin.

Kynan
Also, the king has two midgets who follow him around, which must be handy for those hard-to-reach areas.

Courtier: “Sire, the council waits on you… The people grow impatient! When do you marry?”

Danny
The people WHAT? What is this, a medieval reality show? The people should mind their own damn business.

Kynan
So Sapsorrow is forced to run away, disguised as the entire cast of Jesus Christ Superstar.

Danny
She’s got Severe Acute Rastafarian Syndrome.

Storyteller: “Two years later, a poor creature of fur and feathers tended geese in a king’s garden, and scrubbed the pots in his kitchen…”

Danny
Another king! The area is lousy with kings.

Kynan
They must have been on special.

Danny
Sapsorrow’s in her split personality, as the hideous Straggletag.

Kynan
It’s not a split personality; it’s her secret identity. That’s probably why all the camera angles are off-center. The director thinks he’s shooting Batman episodes from the 60’s.

Danny
Yeah, every shot is crooked, isn’t it? I hadn’t noticed that.

Kynan
Well, that proves it’s been working. Or you’ve been typing and haven’t paid attention to what it looks like.

Danny
So now the prince meets the Straggletag, and they instantly dislike each other.

Straggletag: “Why eat geese? They don’t harm you.”

Prince: “I happen to like geese.”

Straggletag: “So do I. That’s why I don’t eat them.”

Danny
Awww, this is a meet-cute scene. It’s just like When Harry Met Sally, except Sally has live mice in her hair.

Kynan
Well, she cleans up nice for the ball. When we weren’t looking, the story turned back into Cinderella.

Danny
And she runs off at the end of the ball, for no particular reason except to keep the plot going.

Straggletag: “Do I disgust you?”

Prince: “You amaze me… Look, cats chase mice. Hens lay eggs.”

Straggletag: “And what does that mean?”

Prince: “It means some things have to do with other things. Like I have nothing to do with you. You don’t disgust me, because… I don’t think about you.”

Kynan
He’s so rude. That’s why she runs off at the ball, to teach him a lesson.

Danny
Would you date a girl with mice in her hair?

Kynan
I’m open-minded. I might even date the mice.

Danny
It’s pretty impressive that she manages to keep those mice in her hair in every scene. She’s an ecosystem.

Kynan
Then she shows up at the next ball as Sapsorrow, and dances with the prince again. This is so cute.

Prince: “Where do you live, so I may find you?”

Sapsorrow: “I live where hens chase mice, and cats lay eggs!”

Prince: “… What?”

Danny
That’s lovely. It’s a romantic comedy, with mistaken identities and everything.

Kynan
The shot of them dancing on the steps is really well done. Off-center, though.

Danny
With rose petals all around, too. It’s beautiful. This would be really romantic, if he weren’t such a jerk. I’d swoon, but then you’d have to finish this piece all by yourself.

Kynan
Swoon away. I’ll cover for you.

Storyteller: “The next day, a proclamation rings out around the palace.”

Dog: “The prince will marry the girl who fits the golden slipper!”

Kynan
Oh, don’t they ever learn? That kind of proclamation never works. Are there really that many different-sized feet in the world?

Danny
They must know they’re 22 minutes in, and it’s going to wrap up soon one way or another. One happy ending, coming up.

Kynan
Hey, the prince is getting nicer. He lets Straggletag try the shoe. He’s turning into Tom Hanks while we wait.

Straggletag: “It fits. Will you keep your promise?”

Prince: “Yes… I’ll marry you. I’ll keep my promise.”

Kynan
The woodland creatures are attacking Straggletag! Paging Tippi Hedren.

Danny
Ooh, and she has a perfect hairstyle and gown underneath. How’d she fit all that under her rasta costume?

Kynan
And then all of a sudden it’s over.

Danny
Cue the happy ending, we’re out of here. Good night, Cleveland!

Kynan
With the prince never learning his lesson, because the princess ended up being beautiful anyway. Isn’t that always the way in these stories? The moral is supposed to be that beauty comes from within — but everyone ends up beautiful anyway.

Danny
That’s true. It’s not that much of a surprise when Julia Roberts and Richard Gere end up together, cause they’re both gorgeous and he’s rich. How much of a struggle is that, really?

Kynan
She should stand her ground. They’ll get married, but she gets to keep the mice in her hair.

Danny
And then the mouse that fits the ring will be the next queen. Get Nora Ephron on the phone, I think we’ve got a sequel.

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Tomorrow’s story: The Luck Child – “Man, that is an Evil Chancellor. He should be on the cover of Evil Chancellor Magazine.”

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