Hey, everyone, good news! There is actually some news to report on today! Unfortunately, that news is bad news. (Sorry about the good news misnomer.) Earlier today, the International Comical Wildlife Federation officially declared the Muppet penguin (Spheniscus hensonium) an endangered species. ICWF spokesman Sven Aprillipäivä said in a statement, “these majestic, hilarious birds are in danger of being lost forever.” The key reason for their perilous situation in the Muppet animal kingdom is simply lack of use. Aprillipäivä added, “These animals only thrive when they have a part in a sketch, or simply as background characters. But as the Muppets do less work, there is less need for these creatures, causing them to simply waste away.”
Unfortunately, these penguins also have an important purpose in the Muppet ecosystem: ending sketches. Going back to the days of Jim Henson, throwing penguins was a way to signify that the sketch was indeed over. But as these creatures’ numbers fall, that tradition may be at an end. A Muppet writer expressed concern in an anonymous email: “How are we supposed to close a sketch? We don’t have the budget to eat or blow everything up all the time! What else are we supposed to do, come up with a punchline or resolution?”
The ICWF also listed guidelines on what to do if you encounter a Muppet penguin in the wild:
- Approach in a comical fashion, preferably wearing a porkpie hat or a green, eleven-pointed collar.
- If necessary, make sure you are approaching the penguin Gloria Estefan, and not the human singer Gloria Estefan.
- Say “just for the halibut” frequently. The penguins seem to like that joke.
- Have a musical number ready if needed. “Chattanooga Choo-Choo” or “Pennsylvania 6-5000” have proven effective.
- Take a selfie with the penguins, because Muppet selfies are cool.
- Contact The Walt Disney Company for retrieval. If you can actually get through to them, ask if they could re-release The Great Muppet Caper soundtrack on CD and digital.
Hopefully, if there is new Muppet material, these penguins can begin their humorous routine once more and start to repopulate, ensuring future generations will be able to enjoy their antics.
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by Matthew Soberman – Matthew@ToughPigs.com
