Hey, is it me, or is everyone on vacation this week? Everywhere I look, city streets are light on traffic, out-of-office e-mails are activated, and stores are low on sunscreen & travel-size Pantene Pro V. Apparently this week is the time to be out of town.
I’m not out of town. I’m right here at home. Maybe you’re right here at home too. But wouldn’t it be nice to take a vacation? We should plan a trip right now! But where should we go? Well, there are a lot of exciting locations in our favorite Muppet productions. Why not start with that?
In fact, let’s do this: Let’s think of as many Muppet & Henson locations as we can, and then let’s write down the pros and cons of spending our vacation in each of those places. And if some of them are imaginary? Well, we might have a harder time finding a direct flight, but we won’t let that stop us!
Let’s start with…
NEW YORK CITY
- Central Park has horse-drawn carriages – and you never know who your driver might be!
- Many locals are happy to meet new people and say the alphabet with them.
- If you find the right spot (a diner, a neighborhood corner store), you can have a satisfying lunch without paying for it.
- Central Park also has muggers — and no one wants their day in the park interrupted by a high-speed roller-skate chase.
- Many city trash cans are home to grouches who are very rude.
- If you get hit by a car and get amnesia, the city is so big that your friends might never find you.
- You can party at the Cocoanut Grove alongside such luminaries as Dick Van Dyke, Rita Moreno, and the late Phyllis Diller.
- You can have breakfast at Hollywood & Vine! Or coffee, at least, because there’s a Starbucks right at that intersection.
- You’ve got a home at the Magic Store.
- Movie studios do not allow animals.
- Although it’s fun to see the homes of celebrities, some of them have extremely dangerous electric fences.
- Justine Bateman might push you into a pool.
- Great sightseeing opportunities, including the Tower of London and the Mallory Gallery.
- There are some extremely cheap airfares, if you don’t care at all about comfort or safety.
- There are some extremely cheap hotels, if you don’t care at all about comfort, safety, cleanliness, noise pollution, or sharing one restroom with every other guest and staff member.
- The city is less whimsical now that there aren’t as many talking dogs, horses, mice, and vegetables around as there were back in Dickensian times.
- Criminals often strike in places that attract crowds, such as supper clubs, fashion shows, and fancy weddings.
- Bears are not allowed in those fountains.
- Looks beautiful in a helicopter shot.
- Lots of great logs for sitting on and performing inspirational ballads.
- Close enough to town to go in for a double-feature on Saturdays.
- Read my lips: al-li-ga-tors.
WALT DISNEY WORLD
- More fun than spending a vacation in the swamp.
- So many attractions, including roller coasters, dark rides, and Main Street trolleys with adorable old ladies.
- If you get sad, there’s probably a child star on hand to sing you an inspirational ballad.
- It’s quite easy to get lost, especially when you’re repeatedly hopping from one park to another.
- Walt Disney’s Laundry Land is not open to the public.
- If you’re unable to pay the bill for your trip, and the Walt Disney Company ends up owning the rights to you, they might spend years trying to figure out what to do with you.
- Fraggles are very friendly.
- There are a lot of activities to participate in — singing, various sporting events, exploratory expeditions, singing, parties, singing.
- You’ll almost certainly learn valuable lessons about life, but not in a preachy way.
- You may grow weary of being addressed as “Silly Creature.”
- Doozers will be constantly building in and around your room.
- It’s a cave, so there’s no sunlight unless you venture into the Gorgs’ garden, which comes with a very real risk of getting imprisoned or thumped.
EMILY BEAR’S FARMHOUSE
- Rustic, but spacious.
- Quiet and remote.
- Surrounded by nature.
- The owner’s son might show up with 85 of his friends to interrupt your holiday with a series of hilarious and heartwarming vignettes.
RUSSIAN GULAG 38B
- There’s a vibrant theater program.
- Although the inmates are all there for horrible crimes, they’re pretty good singers.
- The warden is a lot nicer than you would expect the warden of a gulag to be.
- Very cold temperatures.
- Very bad food.
- Very unconvincing compositing effects.
THE BEACH KERMIT SEES ON A MONITOR AND THEN GOES TO IN THAT ONE EPISODE OF THE JIM HENSON HOUR
- Clear blue skies.
- Sunny weather.
- Relaxing atmosphere.
- Bad timeslot.
- Coconuts might fall on your head.
- Kind of boring unless you have some friends with you to do a closing number.
THE CUBE (YOU KNOW, FROM JIM HENSON’S EXPERIMENTAL TV SPECIAL THE CUBE)
- You’ll meet a lot of fascinating characters.
- You might have an existential revelation about the nature of human consciousness.
- You won’t get sunburned.
- You’ll never get out.
- You’ll never get out.
- You’ll never get out ’til you’re dead.
So, what do you think? Where will you go on your vacation? Or will you just stay home sitting on the couch and watching Muppet stuff? Actually, that sounds pretty good. Let’s go with that.
Click here to get a ticket for a magic holiday and it’s always booked and ready come what may on the Tough Pigs forum!
by Ryan Roe – Ryan@ToughPigs.com