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It’s true, folks. I was privy to the same viewing of The Dark Crystal as TP’s own Ryan and Michal. And boy, do I have a lot to say about my first time seeing The Dark Crystal in several years. Unfortunately, Ryan and Michal have done a pretty thorough job at giving us some good reviews in great detail. So I don’t have much more to say on the subject.

But have you ever known me to be at a loss for words?

Rather than rehash what’s said and done (more said than done), I will bring to you, our beloved ToughPig readers, a list of sounds heard in The Dark Crystal that drive me crazy.

The Narrator. Sure, Joseph O’Conor did a smashing job with his Shakespearean-trained voice, but when you’ve got an old British man talking to you for 5 minutes with nothing on the screen, it’s easy to fall asleep even before the plot even gets the chance to sedate you.

The Mystiks. The first time we see the Mystiks, they start their rousing rendition of “Twist and Shout.” And I don’t know about you, but I can’t stand a bad Beatles cover of an Isley Brothers cover of a Topnotes song. That, and it makes my eardrums vibrate and explode. So there’s that.

The Dying Emperor. SkekSo, the Skeksis Emperor, begins the movie by dying a horrible, painful death. In doing so, he screams a lot. And by a lot, I mean a helluva lot. Why couldn’t he have died quietly like his Mystik counterpart? Maybe so we could hear Jerry Nelson’s Scred voice just one last time. In abundance.

The Garthim. Here is my impression of a Garthim. CLICKITY CLICKITY CLICKITY CLICKITY CLICK. Now pretend I’m repeating that for an hour.

Augrah. Remember that ancient great-great-aunt you had to visit every year? And remember how her scratchy voice scared the bejeezus out of you? And then you had to give her a kiss right near that hairy mole on her face? Well guess what. She’s been reborn as Augrah. Merry Christmas.

Fizzgig. He’s a little ball of fur and teeth that likes to scream at the top of his lungs. Once I get past the fact that he’s too small to have full-sized lungs, all I wanted to do was punt the critter across Thra. Maybe it would have been a more enjoyable sound if we could hear it fading into the distance.

Skeksis eating. I’m sorry, nobody needs to hear the sounds of large, wrinkled monsters chowing down on dinner without using utensils. Thankfully, we weren’t subjected to the deleted scene after the meal featuring the Skeksis in the bathroom.

Jen’s Flute. It’s actually quite lovely. But I just wanted him to break into “Stairway to Heaven.” Is that too much to ask?

Those two fancy-dressed Skesis. Near the end of the movie, after they see Jen and Kira, they scream “GELFLINGS! GELFLINGS!” And it’s loud. And high-pitched. And completely unnecessary. And it makes me want to die a death more crumbly than the Emperor.

Honorable mentions: The Emperor turning to dust, Augrah’s face, the nekkid Chamberlain. These sights are so hideously ugly, they seems to speak louder than the above sounds. Yipes.

You may have noticed that I neglected to mention the Chamberlain’s incessant whimpering. Well, other than the fact that I would only be pointing out the obvious, maybe I like the Chamberlain’s voice. And maybe I dream at night about him saying “Yes! Please! Hmmmm! Please!” Right, and maybe I like having night terrors at the mere thought of the Chamberlain calling my cell phone.

Thanks for tuning in to our three-part series on The Dark Crystal. We hope you had as much fun reading it as we did breaking it down into little pieces and crushing them with a meat tenderizer. And then we set it on fire. Goodnight everybody!

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