Secret Santa
Part 3: Wreck the Halls
| Sullivan
|
“So Santa Claus had been mysteriously led away by two weird creatures who worked for Cosmo Scam. And deep beneath the North Pole, in the cave of the wicked magician, there was much excitement. Even Cosmo’s furry henchmen, the Frackles, were nervous.” |
Cosmo and the Frackles buzz about, preparing for Santa’s arrival. Cosmo reaches into his cigar box, and a blue hook-nosed Frackle pops out and hands him a cigar: “Here it is, boss!”
| Frackle
|
Hey, there’s Santa Claus! |
| Thig
|
Here he is, Mister Cosmo! |
| Santa
|
Well, well, well! What have we here? |
| Cosmo
|
I’ll tell ya what we have here, we have you here, that’s what we’ve got here, and it’s gonna stay that way. |
| Santa
|
Oh? |
| Cosmo
|
Yes… |
| Frackle
|
You’re in the presence of the wicked magician, the King of Evil, the terrible Cosmo Scam! |
| Santa
|
It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mister Scam! Oh, by the way — can you do the disappearing coin trick? |
| (Santa tries some sleight of hand, and the coin drops on the floor.) | |
| Cosmo
|
No, I can’t do that one either. I do other kinds of magic. Evil kind of magic! Like poison apples. Hundred years’ sleep. And stuff like this… |
| (Cosmo waves his hand, and makes an explosion.) | |
| Santa
|
Why, that’s wonderful! I’ve always wanted to know someone who could do that. |
| Cosmo
|
Well, I could teach you… it’s an old trick, it would take about twenty minutes. I learned it in — Wait, wait a minute. I just kidnapped you. Why are you so nice to me? |
| Santa
|
I was just being sociable. |
| Cosmo
|
Well, stop it! |
| Santa
|
I’m sorry. Who are these gentlemen? |
| Cosmo
|
Oh, those gentlemen behind you, the fellas who brought you here: That’s Thig, and that’s Thog. |
| Thig
|
I’m Thig! |
| Thog
|
And I’m… uhhhh… which one are you? |
| Thig
|
Thig! |
| Thog
|
Oh. He’s Thig, and I’m, uh… I’m the other one. |
| Cosmo
|
Not too bright, but they come in handy once in a while. These other assorted evil-looking characters around here, these are my Frackles. |
| Frackles
|
Yeah! |
| Santa
|
I’m pleased to meet you. |
| Cigar Box
|
Are you… are you really Santa Claus? |
| Santa
|
Yes, I am. Would you like ol’ Santa Claus to bring you something for Christmas? |
| Cigar Box
|
Well… I’d like a baseball mitt! |
| Santa
|
Have you been a good boy? |
| (Cosmo slams the cigar box shut.) | |
| Cosmo
|
Why are you being so nice when I’m trying to be so evil? |
| Santa
|
Well, I’m sorry if it bothers you… but, you see, I’m always nice to people. I’m Santa Claus. |
| Cosmo
|
Oh, no. Oh, no, you’re not. Not anymore, you’re not. |
| Santa
|
I beg your pardon? |
| Cosmo
|
Let me introduce you to the new Santa Claus! |
Cosmo spins around… and becomes a perfect double of Santa Claus! The Frackles hoot and holler as the two Santas look each other over.
| Santa
|
That looks just like me… |
| Cosmo
|
Glad ya like it, Claus. |
| Frackles
|
Yeah! Yeah! |
| Santa
|
Cosmo! What a wonderful trick! It really is you! |
| Cosmo
|
You bet your beard, it is! |
| Santa
|
And… you intend to take my place? |
| Cosmo
|
Ya see, Santa, it’s like this. I want you to listen… I think you’ll find it very interesting. |
| (Cosmo starts to sing.) | |
| Cosmo
|
I’ve always felt that to justify my birth,I’d like to do something of lasting worth.
So I made a vow to leave this Earth Just a little bit worse than I found it. That was my goal when I began, Now I steal from the rich — and the poor, when I can. And I use my money to fulfill my plan — To make about a million bucks! Cause… therrrrre’s… A bundle to be made in the world today, It can’t be very hard if you know the way… Just remember, my friend, that crime does pay! There’s a bundle to be made today! |
| Frackles
|
Yeah! Woo-hooo! |
| Cosmo
|
Claus, old boy, I’ve spent my life doing a lot of rotten things. Right, men? |
| Frackle
|
Yeah! You bet! |
| Cosmo
|
Hold it, hold everything. I don’t deserve that much praise. |
| Frackle
|
Anything you say, boss! |
| Cosmo
|
Anyway, from now on, I’m gonna make my money on Santa Claus. |
| Santa
|
Now, honestly, Mister Cosmo, how do you intend to make this money? |
| Cosmo
|
Dishonestly! Right, guys? |
| Frackles
|
Right! Yeah! |
| Cosmo
|
Tell me, SC, have you ever given any thought to being a burglar? |
| Santa
|
None whatsoever. |
| Cosmo
|
Well, I’ll tell ya something. The easy part about being a burglar is stealing stuff. But the hard part is getting into people’s houses to steal it. People just don’t like burglars in their houses. On the other hand, no one minds if Santa Claus comes into his house on Christmas Eve. Follow me? So tonight, I will put on my fuzzy white beard and long red woolies… I will fly off in my sleigh with eight little reindeer… I will land on roofs, and slide down chimneys… and I will burglarize everybody in the world! |
| Frackles
|
YEAHHH!!! |
| Cosmo &Frackles
|
Oh, there’s a bundle to be made at Christmas time,So let’s all go and lead a life of crime. |
| Cosmo
|
And no one is suited for crime like IIIII’m… |
| Frackles
|
We’ll make a mint at Christmas time! |
| (Cosmo and the Frackles dance around in demented glee.) | |
| Cosmo &Frackles
|
We’ll make a mint at Christmas time!We’ll make a mint at Chrissssst-massss tiiiime! |
| Santa
|
That’s not a very nice plan. |
| Cosmo
|
I like it. All right, Thig and Thog, throw Santa Claus into the dungeon, and then stay with him! But see that he doesn’t get hurt. After all, he is a legend in his own time. |
| Thig
|
Gotcha, boss! |
| Santa
|
You’re making a big mistake, Cosmo! |
| Cosmo
|
Awright, everybody out, everybody out! |
| Cosmo
|
Well, Lothar? I did it. I captured Santa Claus. |
| Lothar
|
Hooray for the home team. |
| Cosmo
|
Now there’s nothing to do until tonight, when I fly off in the sleigh and steal all that stuff. |
| Lothar
|
Not so. |
| Cosmo
|
How’s that? |
| Lothar
|
Well, according to the plan, you’re supposed to spend the day watching Santa’s elves. |
| Cosmo
|
Oh, yeah. I forgot. The whole plan depends on everyone thinkin’ that I’m the real Santa Claus. |
| Lothar
|
Exactly, oh pirate of treachery. |
| Cosmo
|
So I gotta do just what exactly everybody would think Santa Claus would do, right? |
| Lothar
|
Mmm hmm. |
| Cosmo
|
And they’d probably think that he’d be keepin’ his eye on his crummy elves. |
| Lothar
|
Precisely, oh keeper of crumbs. |
| Cosmo
|
Hey, by the way… |
| Lothar
|
Mmmm? |
| Cosmo
|
Whatta ya say to an elf, anyway? |
| Lothar
|
Well, Santa Claus goes ho ho ho a lot. |
| Cosmo
|
Ho ho ho a lot? |
| Lothar
|
Mmm, somethin’ like that. |
| Cosmo
|
Well, I’ll try it. Ho ho ho. That’s it. Ho ho ho, it is! |
| Lothar
|
Right. |
| Cosmo
|
Ho ho ho! Ho. Ho. Ho! |
| Lothar
|
Farewell, oh master of mirth! |
by Danny Horn
