Part One Part Three Part Four

Danny
Welcome back to the Big Blue House. Today’s first piece of cuteness hits you right out of the gate: Bear has earmuffs.

Kynan
Bearmuffs!

Danny
They start part two off strong with some funny caroling, which is just perfect. It’s irreverent and fast, and a nice counterpoint to the pro-social messages.

Doc Hogg: “Oh, little Woodland Valley, how sweet we see thee lie…”
All: “Until the fireworks go BOOM!”
Bear: “Oh, wait! That’s the Fourth of July!”

Kynan
Yeah, that’s good stuff.

Danny
Wait, the otter parents live in a tree? Why do Pip and Pop live in a pond?

Kynan
For the clams?

Danny
They pick up more characters along the way, showing off once again what a great cast they have. They make it look so easy on this show, creating all these appealing characters. Bear is like a master class on creating children’s television.

Kynan
That’s the second class this year I’ve taken from a guy in a bear suit.

Danny

Kynan
Long story.

Bear: “Hey, nice singing, Jack!”
Jack: “Aw, I don’t know if you call it singing, but this old hound can howl!”
Doc Hogg: “Yes, sir, it was lovely! Haven’t heard singin’ like that since a Great Dane I saw sing Fiddler on the Woof. Heh heh. Get it, Jack? Fiddler on the Woof!”
Jack: “Oh, yeah… Heh heh…”

Danny
Holy cow. Is Doc Hogg flirting with Jack?

Kynan
Don’t be silly. Gay guys don’t make jokes about Broadway musicals, do they? Oh, wait, they do.

Danny
Believe me, I know what flirting with homeless guys looks like. Apparently, Jack isn’t the only hound dog around.

Bear: “Today is Christmas, and we’re going to go look for the winter berry. It only blooms once, right around the holidays.”

Kynan
Exactly on Christmas, in fact, which is a nice coincidence.

Danny
That’s a smart move on their part, holding the weird supernatural backstory until the second half of the show. That’s what the Scientologists do, too.

Danny
Oh, look at that sad bear out in the snow. Why doesn’t he have a kitchen, and a little foyer?

Kynan
Hey, there’s two bears! And they’ve got matching choreography and everything. I hope Noel got paid time and a half for this number.

Danny
Wow, cutting a berry in half without a knife is quite the feat. Winter berries must be perforated or something.

Kynan
So who’s responsible for responding to winter berry wishes? Is there a special god of winter berries, or does it get farmed out to the Lucky Penny Fairy and the Star Light Star Bright guy?

Tutter: “What do you get the bear who has everything?”
Treelo: “Bear has everything?”
Pip: “Well, he has a swing in the living room.”
Pop: “I’d say that’s everything!”
Treelo: “Yeah, you’re right.”

Danny
Oh, so perfect.

Kynan
Yeah, but wouldn’t it be better if everybody still had hats?

Jack: “When I was a pup, we just made our presents ourselves. And our mommy and daddy sure loved ’em. And we felt pretty loved, too.”

Danny
Oh, the cuteness. Before Jack was homeless, he must have been an arts and crafts teacher.

Ojo: “That’s a great idea, Jack! We’ll make Bear something he’ll never forget!”

Kynan
If they really want to make him something he’ll never forget, why don’t they [really gross joke deleted]?

Danny
We’re not using that joke.

Kynan
Why, because [deleted]?

Danny
Yeah, pretty much.

Kynan
Fair enough.

Bear: “You know what we’re going to do now? We’re going to open presents!”

Danny
Oh, no! The others just started making their present two seconds ago! Talk about cutting it close; those guys live on the edge.

Kynan
Even if they’d come up with something to buy, how were they planning to get it in time? Does Amazon do instant deliveries to Woodland Valley?

Danny
Oh, man, more Shadow! I was hoping we’d had our dose of Shadow already. That girl ain’t got no face.

Bear: “Wow, what a great song! I’d love to spin that dreidel!”

Danny
Yeah, it’s pretty heavy, Bear. You know, I played dreidel when I was a kid, and I have to say, I never found it that thrilling. Maybe it looks better from the outside.

Kynan
Speaking from the outside: Not so much.

Danny
And now Shadow gives Bear a holiday kiss — man, she’s taking advantage of the holidays. It’s like an office Christmas party.

Kynan
Yeah, I don’t think a lunatic Irish stain on the wall was what Bear had in mind when he pictured a tall, dark stranger.

Danny
Is she Irish? I thought she had a speech impediment.

Bear: “That’s a holiday tradition at the Big Blue House — somebody always helps hand out the presents.”

Danny
Man, I hope they get paid by the hour. Look how many presents there are! We could be here all night.

Kynan
Well, they’re celebrating about six holidays at once. It piles up.

Danny
Ojo gets a hat, Pip and Pop get a Robot Clam, Tutter gets a “Cheese of the World” book, and Treelo gets a tail warmer. Well, that takes care of four presents. Who gets the other 138?

Kynan
They’re all from Doc Hogg to Jack. They’re gonna open them together… later on.

Danny
Oh, and look, they’re giving Bear his present.

Bear: “Oh, it’s beautiful! It’s, uh… it’s, uh…”
Ojo: “It’s a berry picking bucket, Bear!”
Bear: “That’s right!”

Danny
Oh, that’s just the cutest thing.

Kynan
Yeah, whatever. He’s humoring them. That thing’s a tetanus shot waiting to happen.

Tutter: (reading his new Cheeses of the World book) “Ooh, and look! That’s a very rare cheese, only grown high up in the mountains!”

Danny
Um, cheese isn’t grown, is it? Is he thinking of coffee? Or am I just mixed up?

Kynan
Hey, who’s the cheese expert, you or Tutter?

Danny
Oh, they all forgot to get Jack a present.

Kynan
Can’t they just whip him up “something he’ll never forget”? Surely there’s another piece of crap bucket lying around somewhere.

Jack: “You don’t know it, but you’ve already given me the greatest present of all.”

Danny
Man, he’s the most noble and saintly poor person I’ve ever seen. It’s like Tiny Tim meets the Easter Bunny.

Kynan
Meets the Great Gonzo. Dave Goelz fits so effortlessly into this world. What a class act.

Danny
And in the next scene, Jack’s sneaking off again, and Bear has to beg him to stay. If I’ve learned one thing from this show, it’s that people are homeless because they keep running away from nice warm homes. Maybe homeless people are just too polite to stay over.

Kynan
Jack sure is cagey about where he’s off to in such a hurry. What’s he hiding? Maybe when the snow melts, Bear’s gonna wake up and find a dead hooker on the lawn.

Danny
Nice.

Kynan
Can we say that one?

Danny
Sure, why not. It’s only Christmas.

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Danny
Man, talk about luck! Pip and Pop find the winter berry in like thirty seconds.

Kynan
Luck, or pure gamesmanship? Those cunning otters have been practicing their berry finding since Thanksgiving.

Danny
Oh, and look at their little hats and scarves! Oh, I’m dying.

Kynan
If anyone’s dying, I think it’s Jack. Dawg ain’t got no hat.

Pip and Pop: “Oh, Winter Berry, we wish, with all your power…”

Danny
Wait, what? The berry has powers? Is this part of some late-90’s Whole Foods theology, or are they just freestyling?

Kynan
That’s the beauty of making up your own fake religion. You can embellish all you want, at least until some wiseacre decides to write it down in a big book. Then you’ve got questions to answer.

Danny
So they wish that Jack would find a home — and then Doc Hogg shows up, and he wants Jack to live with him. I knew they were flirting before! Go, Doc Hogg.

Kynan
But he’s going to have to make sure Jack doesn’t try sneaking off every time his back is turned. He should at least make sure he gets Jack’s cell number.

Kynan
And then there’s more Luna, the perfect ending to a perfect day.

Luna: “I wish everyone, all across the world, would smile on each other a little more.”
Bear: “Mmmm. If otters, mice, lemurs, dogs, hogs, bears and the moon can get along… why can’t everyone?”

Danny
Damn, don’t look at us, dude, we’re already nice to people. Don’t worry, we have that covered.

Bear: “Oh, and by the way…”
Everybody: “HAPPY HOLIDAYS!”

Kynan
Awww. Happy holidays, Danny.

Danny
Yeah, you too, even the strange new fruit-based ones. So what did we learn about Christmas from Bear? Oh, and I call the everybody smiling on lemurs thing, so you can’t have that one.

Kynan
Well, I learned that homelessness is a very sad thing that affects real people, but not mice, except in black and white dream sequences. I learned that if you’re stuck for what to give the most important person in your life, you can wait till Christmas morning and just toss ’em any old junk you have lying around the house. And most importantly of all, I learned that six Christmas specials aren’t enough after all.

Part One Part Three Part Four

by Danny Horn

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