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March 7, 2005: When you get right down to it, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is a two-hour show, which masquerades as two one-hour shows. In the first hour, Ty Pennington and his team rebuilt the Harris family’s home, and then in the second hour, they kinda did the same thing again, but with different footage. The Muppets were featured again, wreaking havoc in the name of a good cause…

 

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(In her trailer, Miss Piggy has worked herself up.)

KermitPiggy, what’s wrong? 

PiggyOh, Kermie… We’re on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, and they won’t give me a script!

 

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Kermit Piggy, there is no script. It’s a reality show! 

PiggyAh ha ha ha! Reality? 

KermitMm hmm. 

PiggyKermie, I’m from Hollywood. I don’t do reality. 

 

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Kermit No, no, no. It just means that there’s no script. We just say whatever we want, and they tape it!

 PiggyWhatever we want?

 KermitWhatever we want.

 PiggyDear, come in for a close-up.

 KermitUhh…

 PiggyYes. That’s good.

 

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Piggy Hello, ABC! This is Miss Piggy! And I think it’s about time I got my own show! Something classy — yet steamy! Oh, I know… Desperate Divas! Yes! Ah ha ha ha! 

 KermitPiggy, will you come on? We’ve got to get to work. There’s a house to build!

 PiggyKermie, we’re divas. We don’t build homes — we wreck ’em!

  

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Kermit Ty’s waiting…

 PiggyOutta my way!

  (Piggy charges right over Kermit, out the door and into a montage.)

 

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Animal Oh, my hand, my hand…

 

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Kermit I’m a frog in a T-shirt!

 

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Kermit How’d they do that?

 

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Constance It was so great having the Muppets with us this week. 

 AnimalMAKE-OVER! MAKE-OVER! HA HA HA HA HA… Cut.

 

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Ty We had the Muppets, they came to help, and they were awesome… 

  (Kermit barks at a dog outside the trailer. Then he hears a motorcycle revving up.)

 KermitOh! My hog.

 PiggyBut I’m your hog, Kermie!

 

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Paul There’s no one like the Muppets.

  (Fozzie struggles with a large box.)

 

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(He drops the box with a loud, horrifying crash. He looks down at the wreckage, then turns to the people standing nearby.)

 FozzieHey, you guys are doing great. Keep up the good work!

 

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Michael I’m not exactly sure those little critters actually helped us. But it was fun, having them around. 

(Michael surveys Kermit’s look.)

MichaelYou need a tan. 

KermitYeah… Well, I have to be careful. I have very sensitive skin.

MichaelDo you burn? 

KermitOh, yeah. Bright red.

 

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Kermit Well, I tried to pitch in wherever I could, y’know? Fozzie and I, and Miss Piggy’s around… 

 

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Kermit (shrieking into his megaphone:) Come on, come on, come on, we only have TWO HOURS TO GO!

KermitY’know, we’re fairly handy.

 

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(Fozzie approaches Paul at the workbench.) 

FozzieSo, Ty… 

(Paul reacts.) 

FozzieNo, you’re not Ty! You’re the other guy! 

PaulI’m Paul. 

FozzieSorry! 

 

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Paul What’s amazing about Fozzie is everybody thinks, oh, you know, he’s not real smart, Fozzie’s not — he’s very, he’s a bright guy.

FozzieTy told me to come over and help you.

PaulYeah, so what can you do?

FozzieI can tell jokes.

PaulYou know what, how about a picture frame? You put a picture in it, give it to Michael, and they’ll hang it in the house.

FozzieI like it!

 

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Kermit You know, Paul was very, very nice to Fozzie.

PaulYou need to borrow any of my tools? What do you need —

FozzieOh, no, no. I got my own tools right here.

 

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Ty Fozzie Bear and Paul ended up working on a project together, and it’s kinda funny, Fozzie’s a comedian.

(Fozzie starts unpacking his tool box.)

FozzieRubber chicken…

(He pulls an egg out of the box.)

FozzieAh ha ha! I guess the chicken came before the egg, huh?

(Paul looks up from his work. Fozzie tosses the egg over his shoulder, and goes back to the box.)

 

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Ty And, Paul? Well, he’s kinda funny, but he gets tired and grumpy, so seeing those guys working on a project together was hilarious. 

(Fozzie takes out a mop, a baseball, and juggling pins. Paul struggles to balance all of this on the workbench.) 

PaulYou want me to get you your own table? 

FozzieThis is okay. This is fine.

PaulThis’ll work for you? 

FozzieThis’ll work for me.  

 

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(Fozzie pulls a plastic pepperoni pizza out of his box, and carefully lays it on the table.)

FozzieIn case we get hungry later. 

 

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Kermit Paul was very patient and nice. I don’t know what everybody’s talking about. Didn’t seem grumpy at all. 

(Fozzie tries to hammer with his rubber chicken. He swings wide, and smacks Paul in the face.) 

 

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Constance Who knew Fozzie was a carpenter? 

(Fozzie shows off the picture frame he made.) 

FozzieWhat do you think? 

 

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Ty Now, it didn’t turn out that great, but he really put his heart and soul into this thing. 

PaulI think it’s, it’s great. It’s great.

FozzieYeah? 

PaulIt’s missing something, aren’t we? 

FozzieWe are? 

PaulA picture. 

FozzieOh, a picture! Oh, right! A picture. Yes.

 

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Paul He’s just a great guy. He really helped me out a lot. He did a great job on his little picture frame.

(Michael grimaces as he hangs Fozzie’s picture on the wall.)

MichaelLovely. Not.

PaulYeah, a little narcissistic of Fozzie to put his own picture in the frame, but, you know… it works.

 

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(The Muppets and the Makeover team get a picture taken.)

PhotogOne more time! One, two, three!

MichaelYou’re in my LIGHT!

PiggyOh, really.

MichaelOh, really!

PiggyIt’s MY light!

MichaelMY light.

PiggyMY light!

 

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Ty Miss Piggy was… interesting. She’s a bit of a diva.

PiggyFor a makeover show, you sure are shy with the blush. Come on, lay it on thick! Come on!

 

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Michael That pig had enough blush on her. But noooo, Miss Piggy wanted more.

PiggyWell, I would have been here sooner, but I misunderstood! I thought this was Extreme Makeover: Rome Edition. I just spent the last three days wallpapering the Sistine Chapel. (She’s unsatisfied.) I didn’t hear any laughs. 

(Off screen, people laugh.) 

PiggyThat’s more like it. 

(They laugh more.) 

PiggyDon’t patronize me! 

 

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Ty She’s great. Very aggressive. I mean, very aggressive. Very forward. 

PiggyHo-ly maracas! Who’s the guy with the hair! 

KermitOh, that’s Ty, Miss Piggy. He’s the one who invited us here. 

PiggyOh. Heh heh. Hello, Ty.  

 

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Constance She’s got a little thing for Ty. 

PiggyTy is every girl’s dream. He’s charming… he’s witty… and he knows how to operate a power saw. 

 

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Ty Well, you look great. 

PiggyBecause I’m a fabulous star.  

TyYes. 

PiggyLike vous. Ah ha ha! 

 

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(Ty cracks up, and it takes a minute for him to get it together. Piggy turns and walks away.) 

PiggyOkay, let’s get this show on the road! 

 

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Kermit You know what? If Piggy wants to throw herself at Ty Pennington, who am I to stand in the way? 

PiggyOutta my way! 

 

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Kermit Hmph. Why should I care. I mean, I sorta care, but.  

 

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Constance You know, those kinds of things should be left off the job site, Miss Piggy.  

 

We meet up with the Muppets again later,
when the Harris family returns from Disney World
to see their new house…

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Kermit You know, we were sort of honored to be a part of this, to be able to do something so nice for such a great family. It’s wonderful. The Muppets love to do things like that.   

(The family arrives in their van.)  

KermitIt’s the Harrises! Yaaaaaaaay! 

 

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Ty Welcome home, Harris family! 

KermitLook, there they are! 

TyAnd of course, the sextuplets! 

KermitWow. 

PiggyI think I want six, Kermie! 

KermitSix what? 

PiggyYou know… 

 

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Kermit Good grief. 

 

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Kermit You know, it was very touching when the Harrises came home. I personally shed a small tear. From each eye. One on each eye.

 

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Piggy How do I look? Do I look good? I’m not shining too much, am I? I mean, I’m a star, I don’t want to shine too much, you know. Yes. I want Ty to really like me. I want him to like me. Okay. Oh, thank you, dear. 

 

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Here’s some promo shots from the Extreme Makeover website…

The first picture here includes Steve Whitmire and Eric Jacobson,
which is pretty unusual for these promo shots —
the puppeteers tend to stay out of sight.

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by Danny Horn

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