wilkins2Part Four : Another Coffee Break
Wilkins Coffee ads
Late 1950’s

Hey, you feel like reading some more Wilkins Coffee ads? No? (BOOM!) Now do you feel like reading them?

And they say commercials don’t teach you anything.

Grocery Store

[ Wontkins enters a grocery store. ]
Wontkins


What kind of coffee do you sell?
Wilkins


Wilkins Coffee!
Wontkins


Don’t you have any other kind?
Wilkins


Sure, we have it. But we don’t sell it!

Stranger

[ Wilkins and Wontkins are wearing cowboy hats and bandanas. Wilkins has a gun drawn on Wontkins. ]
Wilkins


Howdy, stranger. I hear you don’t drink Wilkins Coffee.
Wontkins


Yeah, so what?
[ BANG! Wontkins falls. Wilkins turns his gun on the audience. ]
Wilkins


Now, there any other strangers in town?

William Tell

[ Wilkins is William Tell, with a bow and arrow. Wontkins trembles, an apple on his head. ]
Wontkins


Okay, William Tell, this better be good!
Wilkins


Do you drink Community Coffee?
Wontkins


[ offscreen ] NO!
[ BOINNNNG! Wilkins lets the arrow fly. ]
Wilkins


[ shrugs ] We can still use the apple again.

Umpire

[ Wontkins has a baseball bat. Wilkins is dressed as an umpire. ]
Wontkins


Well, what was it? A ball or a strike?
Wilkins


Do you drink Community Coffee?
Wontkins


No!
Wilkins


Stee-rike three, you’re OUT!

Survey

[ Wilkins has a pad and pencil. ]
Wilkins


Next question. What do you think of Wilkins Coffee?
Wontkins


It’s wonderful! Delicious!
Wilkins


[ turns to audience: ] You see, friends —
Wontkins


Now pay me the ten bucks!

“Gossips”

[ Soap-opera organ music. Wilkins and Wontkins are dressed in blonde wigs and blouses. ]
Wilkins How’s your husband?
Wontkins


He takes me to dinner.
Wilkins


That’s good!
Wontkins


And he drinks.
Wilkins


That’s bad.
Wontkins


I mean he drinks Wilkins Coffee!
Wilkins


Oh, that’s GOOD!

Sleeping Beauty

[ Fairy-tale castle bedroom. Wilkins enters, dressed in a prince costume, and approaches the bed. ]
Wilkins


Awake, Sleeping Beauty! It’s Prince Charming, with Wilkins Coffee!
[ Wontkins pops up in the bed, wearing a blonde wig. ]
Wontkins


I don’t drink Wilkins!
Wilkins


I’ve waited a hundred years for this old hag.
[ Wilkins grimaces. Wontkins ducks back under the covers. ]

by Danny Horn

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