David-gergenPart Five: Thank God I’m Not a Chicken

Kermit


Okay, welcome back, everybody. Now, our next guest has the rare distinction of serving in three different presidential administrations for two different political parties. He’s been an important part of the Nixon, Reagan and Clinton White House. It’s an honor to welcome the counselor to the President, Mr. David Gergen. Welcome, Mr. Gergen.
David


Good evening, Kermit. It’s good to see you.
Kermit


Well, it’s really good to be here. Now, I have to ask you, can’t you find work anywhere else? You’ve spent so much time in the White House.
David


Well, some people think you and I are related. Some people think that I’m a chameleon.
Kermit


I see. Oh, I get it. You just kind of change with the flow.
David


But it’s good to see you.
Kermit


Well, it’s really good to see you, too. You know, you’ve been in politics for a very long time. About how long is that?
David


About twenty years.
Kermit


That’s a long time.
David


In and out of politics and journalism.
Kermit


Now, you’ve done some television hosting as well, right?
David


I have from time to time. But I’ll tell you, Larry King must be nervous tonight, Kermit.
Kermit


Oh, you think so?
David


I think so. I think Miss Piggy is going to come on and host any time now.
Kermit


Oh, well, that remains to be seen.
David


Yeah. I’m sorry to miss her. Now, what’s happening here? You’re all alone here the evening in Washington. It’s a dangerous town, Kermit, to be all alone as a frog.
Kermit


Yeah, well, I know. I know it’s tough for frogs. It’s tough for everybody, I guess.
David


Well, there’s a lot of swamp land here, so there might be a lot of other frogs here. I’m surprised she let you out along tonight.
Kermit


Oh, you know… well, she’s in another place. I think she’s in Hollywood.
David


Okay.
Kermit


She likes to hang out there and try to attract the attention of big producers and stuff. Doesn’t work, but she tries.
David


I see. Okay, well, it’s good to have you here.
Kermit


Well, you know, it’s very good to be here. I’ve been in Washington before, but I’ve never — you know, I was here for the inauguration, which was great.
David


Yeah, didn’t you sit on the First Lady’s shoulder that day?
Kermit


I sure did.
David


Well, that’s terrific. But I have to tell you right now, Kermit, frogs — in fact, you’d be pleased to know this about the White House right now. You know, we fired the French chef.
Kermit


Oh, I read that.
David


Yeah, so no more frog legs are being served at the White House.
Kermit


Oh, thank goodness.
David


But thank God you’re not a chicken, Kermit.
Kermit


A chicken?
David


Chicken. We may get a lot of chicken legs there, now.
Kermit


Yeah, I guess you’re right. Thank God I’m not a chicken. I think a lot of people say that every morning on the way to work.
David


Yeah, well, you tell Miss Piggy that hogs are in these days at the White House.
Kermit


Oh, yeah?
David


Yeah.
Kermit


Okay, well, listen, we have a call… It’s a very suspicious call from Hollywood.
David


Okay, terrific.
Kermit


I guess we’ll take it. Hello, Hollywood.
Piggy


[ on the phone ] Hello, David Gergen?
David


Yes, Miss Piggy.
Piggy


Hogs are in?
David


Hogs are in. You’ve been watching the President for the last two weeks, every time he walks around, he says, “Sooo-ey.”
Piggy


… Could you repeat that?
David


I can only do it once. We’ll get Ted Koppel back here to sing it.
Kermit


Ah, I think what he said, exactly, Miss Piggy, was that the President has been going around saying “Soo-ey.”
Piggy


I see.
Kermit


You probably remember that from your days on your farmyard.
Piggy


May I please ask a political question of Mr. Gergen?
Kermit


Well, sure. He’s a political guy.
Piggy


Thank you. Davey —
David


Yes, ma’am.
Piggy


Don’t you feel that Kermit should have had moi on the show tonight?
David


I think that it was — in the days when, you know, women are in in politics, it is unbelievable to me. I think it’s an outrage that he would not have invited you in. And it seems to me now, that you’re due a night of your own. I saw the two of you when you were guests here, on the pre-Christmas show, back in December. And it just seemed to me that you were — you were not exactly shy and retiring, Miss Piggy.
Piggy


Well, no, no.
Kermit


That’s the understatement of 1993, there, David. You are a diplomat, aren’t you?
David


Absolutely.
Piggy


Davey? Davey?
David


Yes, yes.
Piggy


Do you think possibly you could wrangle me a state dinner invitation?
David


I think that you would be an honored guest at a state dinner invitation.
Kermit


Bring your own apple.
Piggy


Kermit?
Kermit


Yes.
Piggy


You’re skating on thin ice.
Kermit


I’m sorry. You really set me up there.
David


Oh, I know. He was saying something about bringing you to dinner with the French.
Kermit


Yes, yes. That’s exactly right. Yes.
Piggy


I have just one more important question. That’s all.
David


Yes.
Piggy


Davey?
David


Yes, ma’am.
Piggy


Can you get me two tickets for Barbra Streisand?
Kermit


Piggy, Piggy, I think we better get off the phone here.
David


Can you sing like Barbra Streisand?
Kermit


Oh, is she still there?
Piggy


No, I’m gone.
David


Oh, you’re gone?
Kermit


Oh, good.
David


Okay. I’m sorry. But you come.
Piggy


Oh, thank you. And thank you very much for the co-host thing. I’ll talk to Larry about that.
David


You come back.
Piggy


Thank you, sweetheart.
David


Okay.
Kermit


Okay, Piggy, we have to go. We have another phone call coming in from Orlando. And I know the Hulkster hasn’t had time to get back there yet. So, hello, Orlando.
Caller


Hi. I was wondering, for Mr. Gergen, have you ever thought of hiring the Swedish Chef to take the French chef’s place?
Kermit


That could be interesting.
David


Well, I would certainly welcome it. But as long as frog legs are not being served, I think we’re all safer here tonight.
Kermit


Yeah, the Swedish Chef and I have an agreement.
David


Yeah, what’s the deal there? No frog’s legs.
Kermit


No frog legs, ever. No no no. My legs stay right here in my little polyester pants.
David


Kermit, you are a frog of many talents. I found your book in a bookstore. I brought it here on the set. I knew you’d like a plug on the Larry King show.
Kermit


Oh, look at that.
David


It’s One Frog Can Make a Difference.
Kermit


You’re plugging my book.
David


Yeah, right here. It says Kermit’s Guide to Life in the 90’s. Now, Kermit, I looked through here, and the chapter titles in there were very impressive. You had a chapter title on Frogs of Madison County.
Kermit


That’s true. There was that one. They go on and on.
David


Now, who did you leave behind in Madison County, Kermit?
Kermit


Oh, well, I… That’s kind of a sore subject with Piggy and I. I think we’d better take a break. And we’ll be back in a few minutes, if you don’t mind there, David. We’ll be right back, folks, after this, with a very, very special guest from the White House. Thank you.

by Danny Horn

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