BernardshawPart Four: Run For Your Lives!

Kermit


So, Gonzo, how do you think the show is going so far?
Gonzo


Oh, it’s great. I can’t wait to get home and watch it later.
Kermit


Gonzo, you can’t watch this show later. This is a live show.
Gonzo


What? Live? You mean people are watching us right now?
Kermit


Sure, they are. Oh, welcome back, everybody.
Gonzo


Welcome back? We’re on live television?
Kermit


Gonzo, the name of the show is Larry King Live.
Gonzo


Well, yeah, but I just thought Kinglive was Larry’s last name. [ Gonzo starts to shake and hyperventilate. ]
Kermit


Look, Gonzo, just relax. It’s not a big deal.
Gonzo


Relax? What are you talking about? In front of millions of people? I — I’ve always been pre-recorded. My father was pre-recorded, and my grandfather before him was transcribed. I’ve really got to get out of here. I can’t take this. Live TV! It’s too nerve-racking. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
[ Gonzo dashes out of the studio. We see him running through the CNN studios, in a panic. He runs up to a security guard. ]
Gonzo


Hey, lady! Do you realize what a nutty place this is? They’re shooting live television in there! I told them I — [ He catches sight of the camera ] — OH NO! Stop it! Leave me ALONE!
[ Gonzo starts running down the hall, with the camera after him. He pushes over CNN staff people wandering by. ]
Gonzo


AAAAHHH! Will you leave me alone? Lady, I’m sorry — watch out, everybody! Look out! Everybody run for your lives! It’s LIVE TELEVISION! Lady, get out of the way! Run for your lives! Look out, everybody! LIVE TELEVISION! AAAAAAAHHHHH!
[ Gonzo runs blindly through a door. We see CNN newscaster Bernard Shaw broadcasting. ]
Shaw


President Clinton is playing host to the nation’s governors tonight. They arrived at the White House for —
Gonzo


Run for the hills! It’s live television, everybody! Hey, wait a minute, I know you. I’ve seen you on TV. You’re —
Shaw


Bernard Shaw.
Gonzo


Oh, what’s your name…
Shaw


Bernard Shaw.
Gonzo


No, that’s not it.
Shaw


Yes, it is, Bernard Shaw.
Gonzo


Oh, if you insist. But, listen, did you know that, at this very moment, we are on live television?
Shaw


Actually, we’re on tape. We pre-recorded this yesterday. Remember?
Gonzo


Hey, you’re right! That’s so cool. This is yesterday, and I’m pre-recorded. Wow, I feel so much better.
Shaw


And I’m happy for you.
Gonzo


Hey, Kermit, I’m gonna stay here, on tape, with Bernard Shaw. Back to you, live, in the studio.
Kermit


Yeah. Well, thank you, Gonzo. We’ll check in with you later. Oh, wait, you’re on tape. So I guess we’ll check in with you earlier. Never mind. Listen, I’m really sorry about that, Gonzo got a little nervous there.
Carol


Well, now that he’s gone, Kermit, I can give you our little gift.
Kermit


Oh, what is that?
Carol


We brought you a Thunder in Paradise hat.
Kermit


Oh, look at that. That is great.
Carol


That’s the Hulkster’s colors. Yellow and red.
Kermit


Can you get — look at this. Thunder in Paradise. Yeah, I notice you’re both wearing red tonight.
Hulk


Yeah.
Kermit


You match. It’s very nice. Hey, listen, we have a phone call for you from Laurel, Maryland. Is that a name or a place? Hello, Laurel, Maryland.
Caller


Yeah, Hulkster.
Hulk


What’s up, brother?
Caller


Yeah, I have a question for you. I was wondering how serious you are about challenging the winner of the spring stampede pay-per-view against Flair and Tugboat?
Hulk


I’m real serious about it, man. Got the itch to climb back in the ring, you know. And I’ve been watching these guys pretty close. And depending on who wins that match, I’m going to consider it. If I could get a world title shot, I’d love to climb back in there one more time. Yeah, maybe have Kermit as my business manager, except that Jimmy Hart is my manager. But you could be a good business manager, Kermit.
Kermit


Oh, listen, I’d love to. You know, I’ve never been in a wrestling ring before.
Hulk


Well, no, I just want you to maybe negotiate the deal for me.
Kermit


Oh, I see. I don’t actually have to get in the ring. Oh.
Hulk


Exactly.
Kermit


Well, that’s good. I don’t think —
Hulk


You could be the referee, though.
Kermit


Oh, I could referee?
Carol


We’d have frog soup by the time you’re done.
Hulk


Yeah.
Kermit


I’d get to wear the striped shirt. Listen, Carol, I wanted to ask, you know, you mentioned —
Hulk


What do you — is the brother still on the phone?
Kermit


Are you there, caller?
Caller


Yeah.
Hulk


Brother, do you think Hulk Hogan could beat Rick Flair, man? What do you think?
Caller


Well…
Kermit


Say yes.
Caller


I mean…
Kermit


Say yes.
Caller


Flair is… I mean, I’ve seen you guys wrestle in the other federation.
Hulk


Yeah.
Caller


And, I mean, you’re much stronger than Flair, but Flair is the ultimate ring technician, and —
Hulk


Brother, what are you talking about, man! What do you mean —
Carol


Don’t get him mad! He starts flailing. I might get hit.
Hulk


Oh, man! I thought you were a Hulkamaniac, dude.
Kermit


Oh, no.
Caller


I mean, I know you’ve taken on Muda and, you know, in your Japan matches, and I think personally that you wrestle a lot better in Japan than you do in the States. But I don’t know if you could take Flair, man.
Kermit


Listen, I… well, you know, that may be true, but, you know —
Hulk


Well, you know, Flair needs a couple fans to carry him out. If I ever do get in the ring with Rick Flair, it’s nice that Flair has a few fans to carry him back to the dressing room when I’m done pouncing on him, you know.
Kermit


[ who is almost certainly starting to regret doing this in the first place: ] Sure. Oh, listen, listen, those people are going to need to be there to carry the guy back, undoubtedly.
Carol


But, of course, this is going to be after we’ve finished filming Thunder in Paradise, because I don’t want to be out of a job yet, Hulk.
Kermit


Oh, yeah. Yeah. Listen, you mentioned that you were —
Hulk


I’m getting bored. You know, on the weekends, maybe.
Kermit


You mentioned that you were shooting a lot in Florida. And you’re originally from Florida, is that right?
Hulk


Yes, sir, from Tampa, Florida.
Kermit


I thought you were. You know, I spent a lot of time down there in the swamps, myself.
Hulk


In the swamps?
Kermit


Yeah.
Hulk


Oh, at Disney World? The Disney World swamps?
Kermit


Well, I — you know, there’s swamps all around there.
Hulk


You know, I think we should write a script and have Kermit as the star.
Kermit


In Thunder in Paradise?
Hulk


Yeah.
Kermit


Wow. You know, I’m a great frog-man.
Hulk


I bet you’d be good in water.
Kermit


Sure.
Carol


Doesn’t need a wetsuit.
Hulk


No.
Kermit


Do you guys do anything special to stay in shape on a shoot like this? Because I know there’s the — for those of you who don’t know, on movie shoots, there’s a thing called the craft services table.
Hulk


Right on the MGM lot, bungalow 2, some good friends of ours, Rich Minzer from Gold’s Gym, gave us a whole gym full of equipment.
Carol


Nautilus.
Kermit


Oh, that’s great.
Hulk


Yeah.
Carol


Gold’s Gym. Everything.
Kermit


Maybe you could give me some tips. I mean, this is what a frog is shaped like. But I know my arms are a little scrawny.
Carol


Yeah, I think you need a couple weights there.
Hulk


Well, you’ve got nice frog legs there.
Kermit


Oh, well, they’re very powerful. You know, that’s where they got the idea for things like Navy seals and stuff. By the way —
Carol


You have nice eyes, though, so you don’t have to worry…
Hulk


Yeah, he’d be a perfect Navy seal, wouldn’t he?
Kermit


Well, when you play a seal, do you have to wear special makeup? Because…
Hulk


No, in Thunder in Paradise, I have all the commando gear.
Kermit


… You don’t look anything like a seal.
Hulk


Oh, of course I look like a seal. This is the Hulkamaniac costume, here.
Kermit


[ definitely regretting it at this point: ] Okay, okay. Well, listen, I want to thank you both for joining us. And best of luck with Thunder in Paradise, because it’s going to be a great success, I know, because you’re both wonderful.
Hulk


Well, thank you so much.
Kermit


You’re very welcome. And I’m going to come down and see you at Disney World.
Hulk


Is he your type?
Carol


I was just thinking, maybe he could, you know, play a romantic lead when he comes on the show.
Kermit


Gee, do you believe in interspecies dating?
Carol


I do like the guys with big noses, you know what I mean, and scrawny little arms.
Kermit


Oh, well, gee. We’ll talk about this off-camera. When we come back, folks, Mr. David Gergen, the counselor to the President. And, still to come, a very, very special surprise visitor from the White House!

by Danny Horn

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