April Frog’s Day, Part Two

Published: April 2, 2002
Categories: Uncategorized

Screen shot 2011-07-26 at 4.06.48 PMPart Two: Eye Contact

Kermit


Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we are back here on Larry King Live with my very special guest, Mr. Ted Koppel. Now, Ted, I understand that you’ve had a very distinguished career — up until tonight, of course. But I understand that you do some other things outside of the normal realm of what news people do, like, for instance, impressions. [ Ted stares at him. ] Hello. Are you alive?
Ted


Keep the eye contact there, Kermit, at all times. No, I don’t do impressions on interview programs.
Kermit


Oh, I see, so… Oh, this is one of your tips.
Ted


What, one of the tips is not to do impressions, or not to ask your guests to do impressions?
Kermit


Well, probably both. No, the eye contact thing.
Ted


The eye contact thing, that’s —
Kermit


Should I always look at people when I’m talking —
Ted


Always look — if you sort of look them right in the eye… May I try something while you’re doing that?
Kermit


Well, I suppose.
Ted


[ He leans over to one side, and Kermit follows him. ] Now, that’s amazing. That really is amazing.
Kermit


So I just follow you wherever you go?
Ted


How do you do that?
Kermit


So I should do that with Hulk Hogan later?
Ted


I think, if you do that with Hulk Hogan, he will be mush in your hands.
Kermit


In my flippery, gooey, little hands.
Ted


Yes.
Kermit


Well, that’s a good pointer. You know, I’m very good at that, because, frogs, you can’t tell when they blink. We have a transparent eyelid, some of us. And I can blink without my guests knowing it.
Ted


You must be doing it, because I haven’t seen you blink yet.
Kermit


I am. You’ll never tell.
Ted


I never can.
Kermit


So, you don’t want to do impressions?
Ted


I can’t see you sweat, either.
Kermit


I want you to do an impression.
Ted


What kind of an impression would you like me to do?
Kermit


Well, let’s see. Can you do somebody, like, say, a political person, a political figure?
Ted


[ doing an awfully good Ross Perot impression: ] Well, actually, now, since you’re sitting on the other side of that desk, I think maybe I ought to do Ross Perot. What do you think about Ross Perot?
Kermit


Wow.
Ted


Wow.
Kermit


That’s very good.
Ted


Well, actually, it wasn’t very good. But that’s what you’re going to get if you ask someone who doesn’t do impressions for a living to do impressions.
Kermit


Yeah, well, okay. So I won’t ask that question. Okay, here’s another one for you.
Ted


Go to the next page.
Kermit


Yeah. Let me ask a serious question. How about that?
Ted


Go ahead?
Kermit


Now, you know, you’re on a late-night television show that’s on opposite people like Leno and Letterman.
Ted


Right.
Kermit


Do you sort of feel any competitive stuff going on with those guys, or is it just sort of fun?
Ted


Well, it is kind of fun. I mean, both of them, Leno and Letterman, are both very, very good. I mean, to give you a serious answer, you asked me a serious question.
Kermit


Sure.
Ted


In a sense, we’re kind of lucky, because Nightline is the only program that’s on at that time of night that is not, you know, an entertainment program. It’s the only news program that’s on at that time of night. So, we have an audience of people, just like your audience, or Larry’s audience —
Kermit


Sure.
Ted


— that is not necessarily looking for entertainment And, if I may say so, tonight that’s probably a good thing.
Kermit


I think you’re right.
Ted


Yeah.
Kermit


Now, how did I do?
Ted


So far, I’d say about a C-plus.
Kermit


I haven’t broken eye contact, though.
Ted


You haven’t broken eye contact, but you haven’t reduced me to tears yet, either.
Kermit


Oh, I didn’t know about that part. That must be on page three.
Ted


No, those are the Barbara Walters kind of questions.
Kermit


I see.
Ted


Do you have any of those down there?
Kermit


I don’t. I don’t have any Barbara Walters questions. I could ask you something about your childhood.
Ted


You could do that.
Kermit


How was your childhood?
Ted


It was lovely, thank you. How was yours?
Kermit


It was great. I was a tadpole.
Ted


Yeah?
Kermit


Yeah.
Ted


Where?
Kermit


Oh, in the swamp.
Ted


What did you… What do tadpoles do? Do they moult? I mean, how do they become —
Kermit


No, no, we just — we start out with no legs, we grow legs, and then we hop out on the land. And then we come do late-night talk shows. It’s just a common frog thing. And, by the way, I think we have another call from Hollywood. Go ahead.
Piggy


Hel-looo.
Kermit


Oh, no.
Ted Uh oh. She’s back.
Piggy


Kermit?
Kermit


Yes, Piggy?
Piggy


This is extremely boring.
Kermit


Well, I’m trying my best, Piggy.
Ted


Piggy, Piggy — can I get in for a moment?
Piggy


Yes.
Ted


It’s not his fault. He is asking scintillating, he is asking scathing, he is asking extraordinarily intelligent questions.
Kermit


Well, thank you, Ted.
Ted


But, I must say, I was expecting to come here tonight and to be interviewed by Larry King, and I am a little disconcerted. Sitting across from a frog is not quite the same thing.
Piggy


Theodore, are you miffed?
Ted


Miffed?
Piggy


Are you miffed?
Ted


No, I’m not miffed.
Piggy


Are you in a snit?
Ted


I’m not in a snit. I’m just sort of — you know, by the time you sort of get your sea legs on this program, it’s time to go.
Piggy


I know the feeling.
Kermit


That’s sort of the way I’m going to feel later. Piggy…
Piggy


Yes. I tell you, I’ll just hang up, because, of course, what you two men are talking about it much more interesting than a little woman like moi, of course.
Kermit


Piggy…
Ted


Piggy, may I suggest, why don’t you throw a question out, and let’s just see what a woman’s question would elicit?
Kermit


I think that’s a very good idea, Ted.
Ted


Go for it, Piggy.
Piggy


Fine. I would like to ask an intelligent question.
Ted


I would like to hear an intelligent question.
Piggy


Ted, I love those stupid pet tricks you do. Do you have any inspiration for any more?
Ted


No, actually, I — you see, now, she knows something that you don’t know.
Kermit


About your stupid pet tricks?
Ted


I did a stupid human trick on the David Letterman show.
Kermit


Oh.
Ted


Years ago. Must have been about eight years ago.
Piggy


I was a child then.
Ted


You were a little piglet in those days.
Piggy


Yes.
Ted


I balanced a dog bone on my nose. And only someone as astute as Miss Piggy —
Piggy


Could you say that again, please?
Ted


Only someone as astute —
Kermit


Astute. Astute.
Ted


Astute, rhymes with cute, Miss Piggy.
Piggy


Thank you. I love vous, too.
Ted


Only someone as astute as Miss Piggy would have thought to inject that into this otherwise rambling interview that we’re doing.
Kermit


Well, I understand we are rambling quite a bit. And I — I guess I have to say that I appreciate the question, Miss Piggy.
Piggy


Thank vous. And I want both of you to know that you can go ahead and talk the silly man talk now. I have photographers waiting.
Ted


How about those Cowboys, huh?
Kermit


Yeah, those Cowboys. Those Rangers. Yeah. Those Gators. I like the Gators myself.
Ted


The Gators, too.
Piggy


Kissy kissy, Ted.
Ted


Kissy kissy, Miss Piggy.
Piggy


Oh, thank vous.
Ted


Thank vous, too.
Piggy


Yeah. Later, Frog.
Kermit


Bye bye, Piggy.
Piggy


Yeah, bye.
Kermit


You know, what do you do — do you ever do a call-in show, Ted, or is your show strictly without telephone calls?
Ted


No, and I must say, after tonight, if I had had any inclination to do a call-in show, I think Miss Piggy would have convinced me otherwise.
Kermit


Could we go into commercial with a song?
Ted


Whose?
Kermit


Well, yours. I understand you like to sing and dance.
Ted


Which song?
Kermit


Oh, how about “She’ll Be Coming Round The Mountain”?
Ted


No. I don’t do “She’ll Be Coming Round The Mountain”.
Kermit


Well, you name it, then. Whatever song you’d like to do.
Ted


If I’d only thought to prepare, I would have done a song on frogs. But I don’t have a song on frogs. I did do — all right, I’ll tell you what, I did a song once that I wrote, in China, when I was over there with President Nixon. You remember President Nixon?
Kermit


Sure, sure.
Ted


And we went to the Great Wall of China. And I did this — I did this song once on David Letterman’s show, so if I did it for him, I guess I can do it for you.
Kermit


That would be great.
Ted


All right. It’s called, “It’s a Grand Old Wall.”
Kermit


“A Grand Old Wall”! By Mr. Ted Koppel.
Ted


If you want to hum along —
Kermit


Okay.
Ted


Do frogs hum?
Kermit


Sure. Go for it.
Ted


Go ahead. Let me hear you hum. [ Kermit hums a few bars of “It’s a Grand Old Flag.” ] Yeah, that’s it. That’s the right song. All right, ready?
Kermit


I’ll pick up the tempo.
Ted


One, two, three:It’s a grand old wall
It’s a long-standing wall
Wins the prize for its size and its age.

[ Kermit starts humming along, Gonzo enters and joins in. ]

It gave just rewards to the Mongol hordes,
Drove the Kulaks away in the raid
From Beijing to the seas,
It has saved the Chinese,
Till the days of the Kuomintang.
From Ming to Han
And on and on
With the Great Wall, you can’t go wrong.

Kermit


Very good.
Gonzo


Thank you!
Kermit


Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ted Koppel.
Gonzo


Ted Koppel!
Kermit


We’ll be right back.
Gonzo


Thank you! Thank you.

by Danny Horn

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