The Jim Henson Hour: Science Fiction, Part Four

Published: June 5, 2003
Categories: Uncategorized

The Jim Henson Hour
Science Fiction, Part 4:
The Miss Galaxy Pageant

 Cast: Jim Henson (Kermit), Dave Goelz (Digit), Kevin Clash (Leon), Jerry Nelson (Jo Beth), Dan Redican (Zsa Zsa), Chris Langham (Marty the Earthling).

    

 

Digit

 

Whoa-oa! This beauty contest from outer space is fantastic!

 

[ Leon rushes in: ZIP! ]

 

Leon

 

Beauty contest? What, what are they doing? What part?

 

Digit

 

The swimsuit competition!

 

Leon

 

[ gasp! ]  Digit, my friend, there must — I say, there must be a way for all of us to see this! 

 

Digit

 

Well, as a matter of fact —

 

Leon

 

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

 

Digit

 

There might be…

 

Leon

 

Oh, good good good! 

 

[ Digit unplugs a lead from his ear, and plugs it into a machine. ]

 

 

 

[ We see the Miss Galaxy pageant, hosted by Marty the Earthling. A crowd of aliens cheers. ]

 

Marty

 

… You join us at a very thrilling point in the Miss Galaxy pageant — the judges are about to announce our winner. They’ll be awarding points for beauty, intelligence, and genetic originality. While we’re waiting, let’s talk with two of our lovely finalists — Jo Beth Garfdehoo, Miss Crab Nebula…

 

[ Jo Beth enters, a hideous alien monster. She burps, and steam comes out of her ears. ]

 

Marty

 

… and Zsa Zsa Porkmustard, from the planet Koozebane!

 

[ Zsa Zsa enters, a fuzzy piece of foam. ]

 

    

Marty

 

Jo Beth… hi, Jo Beth.

 

Jo Beth

 

Hi.

 

Marty

 

Are you nervous?

 

Jo Beth

 

A little.

 

Marty

 

Well, you shouldn’t be, because you’re LOVELY, you’re LOVELY!

 

Jo Beth

 

Thank you.

 

Marty

 

What is your favorite thing about being a beauty queen?

 

Jo Beth

 

Well… uh… that’s a hard question.

 

Marty

 

You mean, there are so many favorite things.

 

Jo Beth

 

No, I mean, that’s a hard question. Could you ask me an easier one?

 

Marty

 

Um… how about, what are your goals in life?

 

Jo Beth

 

I want to work with underprivileged children.

 

Marty

 

Uh huh.

 

Jo Beth

 

And then eat them.  

 

[ Jo Beth burps. Disturbed, Marty turns to Zsa Zsa. ]

 

 

Marty

 

Now, Zsa Zsa.

 

Zsa Zsa

 

[ high-pitched squeals ]

 

Marty

 

For the talent spot, many of our contestants like to sing a song.

 

Zsa Zsa

 

[ squeal ]?

 

Marty

 

You chose instead to excrete ammonia while setting fire to your nose.

 

Zsa Zsa

 

[ squeal squeal squeal ]

 

Marty

 

Oh — I’m sorry to interrupt, hold that thought. This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for… the new Miss Galaxy is about to be crowned… so it’s over to the judges!

 

 

 

 

[ Jo Beth is swallowing the last of the judges. ]

 

Jo Beth

 

Too late.  [ burp ]  I’ve already eaten them.

 

[ The audience boos and hisses. ]

 

Marty

 

And so, here at the Hotel Swank in Ursa Major, this is Marty the Earthling, saying, I may be tasteless, but at the moment, that’s all that’s keeping me alive.

 

Jo Beth

 

Maybe with a little hollandaise…

 

Marty

 

Stay away from me!

 

 

Leon

 

Whoa — that was disgusting! Let’s see some more of this stuff.

 

Digit

 

All right, but I need more power.

 

Leon

 

You got it, Digit!  [ He zips off. ]

 

[ On the monitor, lfl makes a paper airplane. He throws it, and it flies out of the monitor and down to the studio floor with a huge CRASH. ]

 

Louie

 

Gee. That’s good paper.

 

[ Leon returns with a big cable. ]

 

Leon

 

Here ya go, Digit!

 

Digit

 

Oh, thank you —

 

Kermit

 

Whoa, wait a second! That’s the master input! 

 

[ Digit plugs the cable into his chest. ]

 

Kermit

 

That cable contains every video feed on the planet!

 

[ Digit’s chest explodes in a shower of sparks. Kermit cringes. ]

 

Leon

 

Whoa!

 

Digit

 

[ shaking ]  Lucy, I’m home! And here’s bachelor number two. One of these days, Alice — Pow! Right in the kisser! Dr Welby, will he be all right? Nanu nanu!

 

[ Digit faints. ]

 

Louie

 

Bad news, Kermit. He’s got the reruns.

 

Kermit

 

Uh… cut to commercial!

 

[ Digit’s hand pops up, and presses the commercial button. ]

 

You May Also Like…

Written by Danny Horn

Read More by Danny Horn

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This