Hipsters and Squares, Part Three

Hipsters and Squares
Part 3: Once Upon a Time

It’s easy to see why Henson had a soft spot for hipsters — they had a real knack for letting the hot air out of pretentious squares. In this sketch, the hipster-square dynamic even invaded the world of fairy tales…

Cast: Frank Oz (Snow White),
Jim Henson (Pokey, Flaky, Sneaky voice),
Jerry Nelson (Sparky, Schnooky, Drippy voice),
Richard Hunt (Sneaky and Drippy puppets).

	(Peppy fairytale music plays as Snow White skips up to the dwarves’ cottage, humming a happy tune.)
Snow W	La la la-la, la la la-la, laaa laaa laaaaaa…
	(She knocks on the door.)
Pokey	Yeah, come in! The door’s open!
Snow W	He-llooooo!
Pokey	Yeah?

Snow W	I bet you know who I am!
Pokey	Can’t say as I do, lady.
Snow W	Oh. Well. I’ll give you a hint. You are all dwarves, right?
Pinky	Yeah, so what?
Snow W	Well, I’m Snow White!
Drippy	Hmmm?
Pokey	Well, that’s, uh, that’s terrific, baby, I’m pleased ta meet ya! What can we do for ya?

Snow W	Oh. Well. Now, I’m not sure I’m in the right place. How many dwarves are there here?
Schnooky	How many, that’s a good question! Let’s see, there’s, uh, there’s Pokey…
Pokey	Yeah, there’s Pokey.
Schnooky	And there’s Sparky.
Sparky	Eh.
Schnooky	And, uh…
Pokey	Flaky.
Schnooky	Flaky, yeah, and then there’s, uh, Sneaky, and Pokey…
Pokey	No, you named Pokey, you already named me already.
Schnooky	Oh, I did.
Pokey	Yeah.

Sparky	Hey, we gotta do somethin’ else. Let’s count off. Let’s get in a big circle.
Pokey	Oh, okay, all right. Get in a circle, we’ll count off.
Sparky	Now, when we count off, jump up, so we’ll know.
Pokey	Okay.
Sparky	I’ll start. One!
Schnooky	Two.
Pokey	Three.
Flaky	Four!
Drippy	Five.
Sneaky	Six! (They go around the circle, and keep going.)
Sparky	Seven!
Schnooky	Eight!
Pokey	Nine.
Flaky	Ten.
Drippy	Eleven.
Sneaky	Twelve…

Snow W	Now, wait a minute…
Sparky	Thirteen!
Schnooky	Fourteen.
Snow W	Uh, dwarves…
Pokey	Fifteen.
Flaky	Sixteen!
Snow W	Oh, just a moment… oh, hush now…
Pokey	Oh, wait, wait a second.
Sparky	I got counted twice.
Snow W	Now, just a moment, listen…
Pokey	I got counted a couple of times, too.
Sparky	That’s okay, it’s good for ya!
Snow W	Let’s all settle down.
Flaky	I got counted three times.
Snow W	If you all talk, you can’t hear me-ee! So let’s all settle down.

Snow W	This is no good. When you count something, you’re supposed to count everything one time only. Now, let’s all line up, and I’ll count you. Let’s go.
Pokey	Yeah! Good idea. Line up, everybody. Okay.
Snow W	Line up! That’s right. You get there, and you there.

Snow W	All right, now. Here we go. And who’s this?
Sparky	Uh… I’m Sparky.
Snow W	Sparky, you will be number one.
Sparky	Number one.
Snow W	Yes. Who’s this right here?
Schnooky	I’m Schnooky.
Snow W	All right, Schnooky, you’ll be number two.
Schnooky	Number two.

Snow W	Who’s your little friend here?
Pokey	Little friend? I’m Pokey, lady.
Snow W	All right, Pokey, you’ll be number three. And who’s with you, Pokey?
Flaky	I’m Flaky.
Snow W	Flaky, I’m sorry to hear that, you’ll be number four.
Flaky	All right.

Snow W	And who’s this little sweetheart here?
Drippy	I’m Drippy.
Snow W	Drippy, you’ll be number five.
Drippy	Mmmm.
Snow W	And little dear, what’s your name?
Sneaky	I’m Sneaky.
Snow W	Sneaky? You’ll be number six.

Snow W	And… (She turns to the next dwarf, but there isn’t one.) … uh… Where’s the other one?
Sparky	There’s not any other one. We’re only six of us.
Snow W	But, uh… isn’t this the cottage of the seven dwarves?
Pokey	No, no, no, this is the cottage of the six dwarves! You want the cottage of the seven dwarves, that’s on down the street. You go down about three doors and turn left at the post office.

Snow W	Oh. I’m terribly sorry.
	(Snow White exits, humming to more peppy music.)
Snow W	La la la-la, la la la-la, laaaaa…
	(The dwarves watch her go.)
Pokey	What was that all about?
Sparky	I don’t know. She was weird.
Flaky	You suppose we oughta call the seven dwarves and warn ’em?
Schnooky	Good idea.
	(They exit to the phone.)

by Danny Horn