Chapter 7
You’re Still Drunk!
in which Ploobis and Scred hit the sauce
(December 13, 1975 — host Richard Pryor)
| [ King Ploobis is guzzling wine straight from the bottle. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Urrgh. I’m retired and I wanna go to bed… |
| [ Queen Peuta enters, wearing a hairnet, shrieking as always. ] | |
| Peuta
|
PLOOBIS! |
| Ploobis
|
Uhhh… I just changed my mind on that. |
| Peuta
|
COME to BED! |
| Ploobis
|
Don’t tell me what ta do! |
| Peuta
|
You’re still DRUNK! |
| Ploobis
|
And you’re still ugly! We’re even. Hah. |
| [ Peuta stalks off. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
We’re even. Ha hah. |
| [ Scred enters. ] | |
| Scred
|
Shoop shoop — ah, hiya, chief! I got the ice and the beer nuts, but they’re all outta lampshades. |
| Ploobis
|
Lissen, Scred, have a drink — I hate ta drink alone, Scred. |
| Scred
|
Awww, no, no, I’m seein’ double already! |
| Ploobis
|
Well then, both of you have a drink! |
| [ Ploobis grabs Scred, twists his head up and pours from the bottle down Scred’s neck. ] | |
| Scred
|
Waagghh! |
| Ploobis
|
There ya go. That’s drinkin’ like a man, Scred. Drunk like a man. |
| Scred
|
Ahhh, you forget what planet you’re on. That’s drinking like a snerch! Hee he hee. |
| Ploobis
|
Oh, yeah, I forget how much those snerches drink. Yes indeed. |
| Scred
|
Hey, ya know, you should — |
| [ Ploobis notices that Scred’s arm is still hooked around the wine bottle. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Hey, yer caught on me there, Scred! Leggo of me! |
| Scred
|
I don’t want it… [ They manage to disentangle themselves. ] Yeah, you shouldn’t drink, though. Yeah! You should just lay offa that stuff! |
| Ploobis
|
Awright. [ He points at the bottle. ] You’re FIRED! Ya get that, I laid off the stuff, ya see that? Ah ha hah! Oh, yes indeed. |
| Scred
|
Oh, yeah, sure. Hm. |
| Ploobis
|
Yeah, Scred? |
| Scred
|
Hmm? |
| Ploobis
|
Scred? |
| Scred
|
Yeah? |
| Ploobis
|
Ya know why I drink? |
| Scred
|
No. |
| Ploobis
|
It’s because I hate myself. |
| Scred
|
Ohhh! That explains why I drink! I hate you too! |
| Ploobis
|
Scred! [ POW! ] |
| Scred
|
Actually, I’m only kidding. You’re my very favorite! |
| Ploobis
|
Rruhhr? |
| Scred
|
Yeah. I just love bloated green things. |
| Ploobis
|
Scred! I like you too, see, Scred. I like the way your neck and my hand are a perfect fit. [ He grabs Scred’s neck and squeezes. ] Rrrmmrrrahhhrrr! |
| Scred
|
Glug — how convenient! |
| Ploobis
|
Nrrr. Wait a minute, Scred. Wait a minute. |
| Scred
|
What? |
| Ploobis
|
Why don’t, why don’t, why don’t, listen. Why don’t, why don’t, why don’t we go see The Mighty Favog. |
| Scred
|
Aw, no! I gotta better idea! |
| Ploobis
|
What’s that? |
| Scred
|
Why don’t we go see The Mighty Favog? |
| Ploobis
|
That’s a good idea! Let’s do that, c’mon, let’s go. Oop, it’s not that way, it’s the other way. Here we go. |
| Scred
|
Show me the way to go home… |
| [ GONNNGG! The Mighty Favog is revealed. ] | |
| Favog
|
DIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG. |
| Ploobis
|
That is The Mighty Favog! |
| Scred
|
Yeah, it sure is! Hee hee hee. Hey, Mighty Favog! Me and my little dog Toto here wanna go back to Kansas! |
| Ploobis
|
Har har har! Woof woof! Ha hah. |
| Favog
|
… YOU GUYS BEEN HITTIN’ THE SAUCE AGAIN. |
| Scred
|
Aw, we just had a coupla drinks! |
| Ploobis
|
Yeah, yeah, lighten it up there, stone face! |
| Scred
|
Stone face! Oh, yeah, he’s got a face that would stop a clock! |
| Favog
|
STONE FACE? THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE FACE OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN! |
| [ KEE-RASH! There’s a clap of lightning and thunder. Ploobis and Scred quiver in fear. ] | |
| Favog
|
HEH. THE MIGHTY OZ HAS SPOKEN. |
| [ Favog nods, satisfied. ] |
illustration by Chris Smigliano
Gorch Fact
Hey, did you catch Scred’s line about Ploobis forgetting what planet he’s on? I think that might be the only time that they actually refer to Gorch as being on a different planet.
And yeah, the last line is “The Mighty Oz.” Go figure.
by Danny Horn
