Chapter 6. I Got You, Babe!
in which Scred falls for Lily Tomlin
(November 22, 1975 — host Lily Tomlin)
| [ King Ploobis is slurping out of a bowl. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
Mmmm. Scred? Where’s Scred? There’s glitches in my milk. I had to milk the damn gorkon myself. Where’s Scred? |
| [ Queen Peuta enters, wearing a hairnet. ] | |
| Peuta
|
I don’t know where he is. I’ve been looking for him all morning. He was supposed to give me an impermanent. You know, dear, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he had left. |
| Ploobis
|
Left? What do you mean by that? |
| Peuta
|
Well, he’s been going around all week with that faraway look in his eyes… and he keeps singing the most sappy, ridiculous songs to himself! I think he’s in love. |
| Ploobis
|
Scred? In love? |
| Peuta
|
Mmm hmmm. |
| Ploobis
|
The last time he fell in love was when he went head over heels for Fran Allison. Remember that? He formed the Gorch chapter of the Kukla, Fran and Ollie club. |
| Peuta
|
Hah hah. Yes, that’s right — he was gone for a week when he went to New York to try and get on her show! |
| Ploobis
|
Wait a minute. You don’t suppose… Grrrurrrhhh. Come with me. We’ll check out his place. |
| Peuta
|
That’s a good idea. |
| Ploobis
|
It’s right over here. Yeah. See this, this crater right here — that’s where he lives. Now, you get down there, see, you’re small enough… [ Ploobis pushes Peuta down into Scred’s crater. ] Whoops! I’ll push… Get down there… You down there? |
| Peuta
|
[ down there: ] Yeah, I’m down here — but what a mess! I’ve never seen such a thing! [ She clatters around. ] Ah HAH! What’s this, hanging over his bed? |
| Ploobis
|
What’s that? Grrrurrrhh! [ Peuta passes a framed photo up to Ploobis. ] It’s a picture of Lily Tomlin! |
| Peuta
|
I’ll see what else I can find… uh oh! And what’s this in his waste basket? [ She passes another photo up. ] |
| Ploobis
|
What’s that? Why — it’s his old picture of Fran Allison! |
| Peuta
|
Ah hah! I’ll see if I can find any more clues in this rubble. Let me see, let me see… ah hah, Ploobis, I think I’ve found it! Look what was lying on his writing desk! [ She tosses up a crumpled piece of paper. ] |
| Ploobis
|
Well, it’s, uh… looks like the first draft of a letter to Lily Tomlin! |
| [ Peuta pops up from the crater and reads the letter over Ploobis’ shoulder. ] | |
| Ploobis
|
It says, Dear Lily: I have watched with enchantment your beautiful image, when I can sneak away from my loathsome, degrading, filthy job. |
| [ Peuta gasps. ] | |
| Peuta
|
Read on, read on. |
| Ploobis
|
Yes. It says, mi amore enchante, je t’aime, je t’aime. Hunnhh. It says, PS, Be mine tonight, your slave in love, Scred. And then down at the bottom, it says, PS, X X X X. |
| Peuta
|
Oh! He’s in love with Lily Tomlin! |
| Ploobis
|
Grrrunnhh. She has my sympathies. |
| [ Cut to: Scred cuddling up with Lily Tomlin, onstage in front of a black background. Lily is sitting on a stool, with Scred next to her. Scred puts his arm around her. ] | |
| Scred
|
Lily? |
| Lily
|
Yes? |
| Scred
|
I’ve tried in so many little ways all week to tell you what a gas it’s been to hang out with you. |
| Lily
|
Oh, yes you have, and I’ve enjoyed it myself, Scred. Um. It’s just that… it’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about… |
| Scred
|
Oh? |
| Lily
|
Uh… well, it’s… |
| Scred
|
Spit it out! Spit it out! |
| Lily
|
Okay. |
| Scred
|
No secrets, Lily. |
| Lily
|
No, no secrets. Um — I hope… I want you to understand… that it’s, uh… well, it’s difficult… not that I don’t like you a lot… but it’s difficult for a woman in my position… |
| Scred
|
Yes, yes? |
| Lily
|
To, um, well, to have my name linked romantically with a puppet. |
| Scred
|
Ohhhhh! Hey, that’s no problem! Yeah, I feel the same way. |
| Lily
|
Well, thanks. |
| [ Music starts… ] | |
| Scred
|
Yeah! We should keep it light! Easy. |
| Lily
|
Well, thank you, Scred. |
| [ Lily starts to sing. ] | |
| Lily
|
They say we’re young, and we don’t knowWe won’t find out until we grow |
| Scred
|
Yeah, but I don’t know if all that’s true,Cause you’ve got me, and baby, I got you! |
| L & S
|
Babe — I got you, babe!I got you, babe! |
| Lily
|
I got flowers in the spring |
| Scred
|
Yeah! And I got you to wear my ring |
| Lily
|
And when I’m sad, you’re a clown! |
| Scred
|
And if I get scared…You’re always around! |
| Lily
|
So let them say your hair’s too longI don’t care, with you I can’t go wrong |
| Scred
|
Oh, Lily — Put your little hand in mineThere ain’t no hill or mountain we can’t climb! |
| L & S
|
Babe — I got you, babe!I got you, babe! |
| Lily
|
[ hugs Scred close and whispers: ]I got you, babe! |
| Scred
|
[ whispers in Lily’s ear: ]I got you, babe! |
| [ Scred produces a single red rose, which he hands to Lily. She’s delighted. ] | |
| Lily
|
Ohh! Scred, thank you. |
| Scred
|
Oh, Lily… |
| Lily
|
Thank you… |
| [ They snuggle as the music ends. ] |
illustration by Chris Smigliano
Gorch Fact
When they air reruns of Saturday Night Live‘s first season — and cut each 90-minute episode down to an hour — the Muppet sketch usually gets cut. The Scred-Lily duet is an exception; this sketch is just so winning and cute that it gets to stay in the reruns. The Ploobis/Peuta intro is cut out, though, so it looks like the sketch begins with Scred nuzzling up to Lily.
Cutting the intro isn’t much of a loss, really. It isn’t particularly funny, and it repeats the point about three times. Looks to me like they paid Jim Henson to be in the episode, and by golly, they were going to use him, whether they needed him or not.
By the way, that “having my name linked romantically to a puppet” line is a reference to the rumors that Lily Tomlin was a lesbian — rumors that turned out to be true when she came out in the mid-90’s, and publicly affirmed that her collaborator Jane Wagner is also her life partner.
by Danny Horn
