The Decline and Fall of Gorch, Chapter Five

Published: June 5, 2002
Categories: Uncategorized

Snlsketch5Chapter 5. Ploobis Has A Migraine
in which Ploobis has a migraine
(November 15, 1975 — host Robert Klein)

[ King Ploobis clutches his throbbing head. ]
Ploobis


Ohhh… ahhh!
[ Scred enters. ]
Scred


How’s the migraine, your crotchetiness?
Ploobis


It’s no better than the last time you asked, Scred! [ POW! ]
Scred


[ nose squashed in ] Hmm… well, you haven’t lose your sense of humor, I see.
Ploobis


Ooorrgg… Why can’t somebody get rid of this headache, Scred?
Scred


Oh, but sire, everyone has assembled, your irritance, each with his own cure for your royal headache!
Ploobis


Oh, well, just get on with it.
Scred


Your lovely wife Peuta believes she can soothe your throbbing head with a song.
[ Queen Peuta enters. ]
Ploobis


Good grief. You’re going to sing?
Peuta


Yes. Are you ready, dear?
Ploobis


No. Just a minute here. [ He pulls a dirty rag out of a crater, and holds it to his head. ]
Peuta


MAESTRO! S’il vous plait.
[ A pianist plays, and Peuta shrieks an operatic aria. Ploobis growls and stuffs the rag into Peuta’s mouth. Furious, she runs off sputtering. Scred enters. ]
Scred


Wonderful, wonderful. Moving right along…
Ploobis


What’s next?
Scred


To ease your monarchly migraine, here’s the lovely, the charming, the sensational, the delightful — our own dancing sensation, the lovely Vazh!
[ Vazh enters. ]
Vazh


Oh, Ploobis…
Ploobis


What?
Vazh


I have been working on a little dance that I hope will make your headache go away. And I hope you will feel better real soon.
Ploobis


[ sighs ] Okay…
Vazh


Hit it, boys!
[ Belly dancing music starts, and Vazh gyrates suggestively, sticking her stuff in Ploobis’ face. ]
Ploobis


Oh, wait, wait, hold it, hold it! Cut, cut!
[ The music stops. ]
Ploobis


Not tonight, Vazh… I’ve got a headache.
Vazh


Oh, shucks.
Ploobis


Okay. Scred?
Vazh


Well, if that’s the way you feel about it… Hmmph!
[ Vazh flounces off. ]
Ploobis


Why can’t anyone come up with a cure? I’ve got morons on my team!
Scred


Well, look what I just found — it’s a do it yourself acupuncture book, and it has the needles and everything!
Ploobis


Rrrrrgggg… I’ll try anything, Scred.
Scred


Okay, let’s see. I have to find migraine… uh… Milady’s Malaise, Marquesas Malady — here it is, migraine! Ohhh! It says here that migraine headaches are extremely painful!
Ploobis


I know! I know! [ POW! ]
Scred


Huh. Let’s see. Okay. Take a needle — right there, right there — take any needle at all…
Ploobis


Huh. Take a needle?
[ Ploobis picks up a long, sharp needle. ]
Scred


Yeah. Now, let’s see. The first needle should be placed in the upper snout…
[ Ploobis looks warily at the needle. ]
Scred


Yes, thrust it into the nose with a firm, steady pressure.
Ploobis


… You do what?
Scred


Yes. Look, says right here. Thrust it —
S & P


[ together: ] — into the nose with a firm, steady pressure.
Ploobis


Well, if it says so in the book, I guess… um…
[ Ploobis shoves the needle into his snout. He stiffens with pain. ]
Scred


Ohhhh! How does that feel? It looks great!
Ploobis


It hurts like hell!
Scred


Uh… moving right along. Second needle, take the second needle, sire…
Ploobis


Take the what?
Scred


Second needle… second needle goes… let’s see, it’s placed in the lower lip, just above the dermal carapace. That looks like in the picture, yeah.
Ploobis


Right there?
Scred


Mmmm hmmm.
[ Ploobis sticks the second needle into his lip. He shudders and screams. ]
Ploobis


RRRRAAAAHHHRRGGG!
Scred


Oh. Ah. Let’s see. Moving right along.
Ploobis


Scred… Scred…
Scred


Okay, okay. The third needle — place the third needle… uh… in the upper lip. Let’s see, uh, I guess that must be somewhere above the lower lip…
[ Ploobis thrusts the third needle into his upper lip, and screams again. He’s stiff with agony. ]
Ploobis


RRRRHHHHRRRRRGGGG!
Scred


Okay! Moving right along. Here is the fourth and last needle. Okay. The fourth and last needle should be placed at the base of the brain.
Ploobis


HHRRNNNHH?
Scred


… If you can find it.
Ploobis


HHHRRNNN!
Scred


No, no, no, I just mean, sometimes when you’re working by yourself, it’s difficult to see. Yeah. Let’s see.
[ Ploobis positions the fourth needle at his temple. ]
Scred


Yeah, that looks like in the book. Okay. Now, the fourth — that’s good. The fourth and final needle should be placed with extreme caution, using a smooth, easy, flowing movement — like THIS!
[ Scred WHACKS Ploobis’ hand, and the needle shoots into Ploobis’ brain. Ploobis writhes in agony. ]
Ploobis


RRRRNNNNNRRRHHHH…
Scred


How does that feel?
[ Groaning, Ploobis grabs Scred by the neck and starts to throttle him. ]
Scred


… you feel we should seek somebody else’s advice?
Ploobis


RRRRHHHHHH!
Scred


Maybe your wife Peuta’s advice.
Ploobis


NNNNNNRRRRHHH!
Scred


No no no! Uh… maybe Vazh’s advice!
Ploobis


NNNNNNNNNNRRRRHHHH!
Scred


Uhhhh… the great god Favog!
[ Ploobis lets go. ]
Scred


Oh, thank god.
Ploobis


RRRRHHH! RRRRRHHHHH!
Scred


I’ll guide ya. Okay, this way, this way… [ Scred leads Ploobis by the elbow. ] Look out for the big crater there… okay. Don’t step in the gray stuff…
[ GONNNNGGG! ]
Favog


DIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG.
Ploobis


RRHHHHHNNNHH!
[ Ploobis gestures at Scred. ]
Scred


Okay, okay. I’ll tell ‘im, boss. The Chief has a problem!
Favog


UHHHH… NOT TONIGHT. I GOTTA HEADACHE.
[ The camera pans back… and reveals a set of needles sticking out of The Mighty Favog. ]

Gorch Fact

This is the first sketch where Scred takes the lead role. The “story” this week is ostensibly about Ploobis and his migraine, but Scred gets all the funny lines… and by the last half of the sketch, he’s the only one with any lines at all. Jerry Nelson performs Scred with a kind of revolting charm, with lots of little asides and a kind of sweet vulnerability. Pretty soon, Scred’s going to take over the whole deal, and this is the sketch where you start to see why. He may look scary, but he’s a Muppet at heart.

by Danny Horn

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