Emmys31Part Four : Not a Rules Girl
Kermit and Miss Piggy
on
The 31st Annual Emmy Awards, 1979

[ Kermit enters, wearing a tuxedo. ]
Kermit


Thank you! It is indeed an honor to be in front of such an illustrious looking group. And, uh. Do you like my tuxedo? [ Applause ] Thank you! I mean, I usually work nude, y’know. But at this time, though, folks, I would like to bring out somebody I’m sure you’d like to meet. She is truly the superstar of The Muppet Show — the one and only, the fantabulous — Miss Piggy! Yaaay!
[ Miss Piggy enters, wearing a black and gold gown, with matching hat and feather boa. ]
Piggy


Oh, kissy kissy! Mwa! Mwa! Kissy kissy! Oh yes! Thank you, thank you! Oh, they love me so.
Kermit


Yes, they do.
Piggy


Well! Doesn’t my frog look dashing!
Kermit


Yes. And, um, you look, uh, you look ravishing, yourself.
Piggy


Thank you. It is tres, tres au courant.
Kermit Beg pardon?
Piggy


It’s French.
Kermit


Oh.
Piggy


Ladies and gentlemen, it is such a thrill for moi to be here with my frog as host and hostess of these Emmy Awards.
Kermit


Uh. What?
Piggy


May I have the envelope, please?
Kermit


No, no, Miss Piggy. There must be some mistake. Y’see, we’re not out here as hosts of the show. We’re here to read the rules.
Piggy


[ stares at Kermit ] What?
Kermit


Yeah. Y’see, they just want us to read the rules.
Piggy


You are putting me on.
Kermit


No! That — that’s it.
Piggy


Are you out of your MIND?
Kermit


Well, what’s wrong?
Piggy


Kermit — ahem, excuse me — I did NOT spend six hours with Monsieur Jacques of Encino to read lousy RULES!
Kermit


You see, how can you put on awards unless people know how they were nominated in the first place?
Piggy


Who CARES?
Kermit


Piggy…
Piggy


Don’t you Piggy me! I just want you to know how embarrassed I am…
Kermit Listen, Piggy…
Piggy


I am a MOVIE star — I do not need this!
Kermit They just invited us out here to read the rules, c’mon now…
Piggy


This is a cheap and tawdry show… I do not…
Kermit


You’re making a — you’re embarrassing us out in front of the most important people in show business!
[ Piggy pouts. ]
Kermit


I’m sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.
Piggy


You only like these shows because they have a green room.
Kermit


Ahem. The rules.
Piggy


Oh, brother.
Kermit


All nominees for Emmy Awards were made by members of the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences…
[ Piggy sighs and taps her foot. ]
Kermit


… and some members of the National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences, voting in their specialization.
Piggy


Bo — ring
Kermit


Ah. Winners were chosen in secret balloting…
[ Piggy yawns. ]
Kermit


… by blue ribbon panels, and those ballots… given…
[ Piggy whistles. ]
Kermit


[ hurries: ] … those ballots given directly to representatives of our independent accountants —
Kermit, with Piggy in mocking baby talk


… Price Waterhouse and Company…
Kermit


You finished?
Piggy


I don’t know.
Kermit


Okay. Here’s the last sentence. The ballots were tabulated by them, and their representatives are here tonight with the results. And that is the rules, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much, and, uh, c’mon, let’s go, Miss Piggy.
Piggy No.
Kermit


But we’re finished.
Piggy


I’m NOT.
Kermit


But they got a whole show to do here.
Piggy


I. Don’t. Care.
Kermit


But, Piggy…
Piggy


I am not leaving until I get a close-up. [ Applause ]
Kermit All right, Piggy… we gotta get off the stage!
Piggy


No! No! I owe this to Monsieur Jacques. All right, I want a close-up — get the hair, the eyelashes, gimme a single, cut the frog. Just…
Kermit


Piggy… I’m sorry about this, guys… c’mon…
Piggy


Would you get your flippers off my hips!
Kermit


C’mon! Just MOVE the PORK!
Piggy


Move THIS! Hiiiiii-YAAAA! [ Piggy karate chops Kermit, and flounces off the stage. ]

by Danny Horn

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