Tonightshow79Part Three : The Love Life of Frogs
Kermit and Miss Piggy
on
The Tonight Show
April 2, 1979

In 1979, Kermit was the guest host on The Tonight Show, promoting The Muppet Movie, and basically turning the show into a big hour and a half Muppet special for the night. The guests on the show that night included Vincent Price, Bernadette Peters and Leo Sayer, but the rest of the Muppets tagged along too…

Kermit


Y’know, one thing I’d love to do now… Can I bring out one of our stars?
Vincent


Of course.
Kermit


Because I have an introduction here, too. Excuse me. Ahem. Here it goes. It goes like this. [ reads: ] Okay, and here she is, ladies and gentlemen, the real star of The Muppet Show, a glamour queen of the first magnitude, a true superstar and the person who wrote this introduction… ladies and gentlemen, MISS PIGGY!
Piggy


[ Piggy enters, to applause and cheers. ] Thank you! Hello! And kissy kissy to you all!
Kermit


Aw, very good. You got your hair down, and you got all dressed and everything.
Piggy


Yes, don’t I look adorable?
Kermit


Ah, you look very good. You certainly do.
Piggy


Mmm hmm. Hello, Vincent!
Vincent


Hello, Miss Piggy!
Piggy


How are you, love?
Vincent


All my life I’ve wanted to meet you… I’ve met Garbo, and Miss Piggy. Everything is finished now.
Piggy


It must have been a long wait for moi.
Vincent


Oui.
Piggy


Mmm hmm. Well, Kermie, you’re doing just wonderfully. I’m so proud of my frog.
Kermit


Well, thank you, yes. I’m doing my best.
Piggy


And that’s all any frog can do. By the way, ladies and gentlemen, Vincent, and Ed, I have an announcement to make, and I wanted it to be here, on The Tonight Show.
Kermit


What is that?
Piggy


Well, I think the time has come, Kermie, to let it out of the bag. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to say, right here in front of everyone — that Kermit and moi am engaged!
Kermit


We… what?
[ Everyone applauds. ]
Vincent


Ohhh!
Kermit


Wait a second! No, we are — we are not — hey, hold it, guys! No, no.
Vincent


Congratulations!
Kermit


We are not engaged. She — she just made that up.
Vincent


She did?
Kermit


Yeah! We are… I’m not engaged to you!
Piggy


[ growls ] Kermit… we are engaged.
Kermit


No, we’re not engaged! There’s no truth to that.
Piggy


We are… We will talk about this later. We are engaged.
Kermit


Okay, but don’t let this audience think that we’re engaged. We’re not engaged, folks.
Vincent


Wonderful to be in on that news when it…
Kermit


What? NO! It’s not true!
Piggy


Thank you.
Vincent


Isn’t it wonderful, Ed?
Ed


It’s great to hear it! Just great.
Vincent


Absolutely.
Kermit


Not you, too! NO!
Vincent


Congratulations! May you have lots and lots of…
Kermit


It’s not true!
Piggy


Thank you, Ed. Yes.
Kermit


[ sighs ]
Piggy


Yes, go on with your interview, now.
Kermit


… Go on with my interview?
Piggy


Yes. I want my frog to do well. Go ahead.

And they do go ahead. But later on, there’s more trouble when Kermit brings out another guest…

Kermit


Our next guest is the Director of the Institute for the Study of Animal Problems…
Piggy


Oooh!
Kermit


For the Humane Society of the United States. He is a psychologist and a practicing veterinarian. His latest book is called Understanding Your Pet. Please welcome Dr. Michael Fox!
[ Dr. Fox enters and greets them. ]
Piggy


Hello.
Kermit


Good evening, Dr. Fox.
Fox


It’s very nice, being a veterinarian, talking to animals again. You know, we do this all the time. But I’m still a little bit uncomfortable talking to animals in public.
Piggy


Can I ask you just one simple question?
Fox


Yes, please.
Piggy


Can veterinarians officiate at weddings?
Kermit


Piggy…
Piggy


Just planning ahead!
Kermit


There’s not going to be any kind of wedding.
Piggy


Yes, dear.
Fox


To be perfectly serious, you know, I would advise some genetic counseling. You know, a pig and a frog — could give rise to all kinds of strange things.
Piggy


Yes. I’m hoping so.
[ Cheers from the audience. ]
Kermit


Bouncing baby figs.
Piggy


Yes.
Kermit


Or pogs. Anyhow. Well, if you’re qualified to discuss animals, what could you tell us about, uh — oh, I don’t know, something like, pick something, like, frogs. How about frogs.
Piggy


Good pick.
Fox


Frogs. Okay. Well, frogs right now, I was in the Shenendoah Valley right by the river yesterday, beautiful rainy Sunday, and all the frogs were croaking. Pft. Pft. This is their mating time. And when it’s mating time for frogs, the little boys — you have five fingers, the little frogs, the males have a big thick ridge that grows so that they can hold on to the female.
[ Kermit and Piggy start examining Kermit’s hand. ]
Fox


And their hormones develop special muscles. They develop huge muscles on the pectorals so that they can hold on to the lady.
[ Piggy checks out Kermit’s arms. ]
Fox


Now, when the lady has laid her eggs, she gives a croak, and that’s the signal to get off. Now, sometimes…
Piggy


[ nods ] I’d better remember that!
Fox


Sometimes, the little boy frog makes a mistake, and climbs on to another little boy frog, because frogs do look rather similar. And the little boy frog gives a different kind of croak, which means, get off. And the little male gets off. It’s incredible biology. This way frogs don’t make mistakes.
Kermit


Okay, uh. What about any other unusual characteristics of frogs?
Fox


Frogs can be frozen, they can be put in the deep freeze. They’d be marvelous space travelers. In fact, frogs are really Super Animals.
Kermit


Oh! Thank you.
Fox


Another interesting thing about frogs is that they can be hypnotized.
Kermit


They can be hypnotized.
Fox


Yes. They can be laid on their backs, very slowly, and there was one scientist who was seeing how long a frog could be hypnotized. He put it on the table, and he found that it stayed there for hours and hours and hours, and he left it for about twenty-four hours. Then he went back to check it, and found that the frog had actually stuck to the table. So, some scientists do make mistakes. Rather gross.
Kermit


Oh!
Piggy


Yuchha.
Gonzo


Excuse me! Hey, pardon me.
Kermit


Oh! Gonzo. That’s the Great Gonzo on the other side of you, Dr. Fox. And that’s Camilla, too.
Camilla


Bawk, bawk.
Fox


Oh! How do you do.
Gonzo


This is my chicken girlfriend, Camilla.
Camilla


Bawk.
Fox


She’s gorgeous.
Gonzo


Isn’t she though?
Fox


Yes. Quite spectacular.
Gonzo


Yeah. Hey, Kermit. Congratulations on your plans.
Kermit


Will you cut that out.
Gonzo


Okay. Hey, listen. I just wanted to ask you a question.
Fox


Yes…
Gonzo


You say you can hypnotize frogs, right?
Fox


Yes.
Gonzo


Well, uh, could you, uh… hypnotize chickens?
Fox


Be careful… I think you’re hypnotizing her already. Well, actually, you just gently get hold and turn them over onto one side, very quietly…
Gonzo


Yeah…
Fox


And then you stroke them… this is Mesmer’s Passes…
Camilla


Bawwwwwk…
Fox


It sounds to me like she’s going to lay an egg. I think she’s going slowly… no…
[ Camilla gets up, unhypnotized, but Gonzo is standing with his eyes bugged out, staring straight ahead. ]
Camilla


Bawk, bawk!
Fox


No. Definitely it’s egg-laying time. I’m sorry. You cannot hypnotize a chicken when she’s ready to lay an egg. It’s quite impossible. But you’re doing very well, I must say.
Camilla


[ trying to wake Gonzo ] Bawk? Bawk?
Kermit


Gonzo…
Fox


We’ve had a very rare case of transference.
Kermit


Yes, I think…
Piggy


Can you get him out, Camilla?
Fox


I should stick to veterinary medicine and animal behavior, and not get into psychiatry.
Kermit


That’s true. Okay.
Piggy


Can you just push him out, Camilla? Just push him out. That’s it. Thank you.
Camilla


Bawk-bawk… [ Camilla pushes Gonzo off stage. ]
Kermit


Okay. How about pigs? You have anything about pigs?
Fox


Pigs! Pigs are probably the most intelligent animals on the farm.
Kermit


Really?
Piggy


Hah!
Fox


A healthy piglet has a curly tail. It’s always a good sign of health.
Kermit


A what?
Piggy


That’s… that’s all right…
Kermit


[ looking for Piggy’s tail ] Turn around…
Piggy


Just… Ahem. [ She pushes him away. ]
Fox


The ladies are called sows, and the boys are called boars.
Piggy


You’re tellin’ me.
Fox


Now, the perjorative, pig, is really atrocious. I think when we call an animal a bad name, we should call it a human being, because I’m really annoyed when I hear somebody called a pig, or a sloth, or something like that. Because these are marvelous animals. But pigs especially, when you see their behavior. They have a wonderful love life.
Kermit


Oh, yeah?
Piggy


[ sigh ]
Fox


The boar has the most incredible…
Kermit


I think, just about the time we’re going into the love life of —
Piggy


Let him talk!
Kermit


It’s a good time to go to a commercial!
Piggy


I’d like to hear the rest!
Kermit


No! Let’s not hear about the sex life of pigs!
Piggy


Yes, yes! Go ahead! Tell me all about it!
Kermit


Let’s go to commercial, folks!

by Danny Horn

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