Part Three : The Love Life of Frogs
Kermit and Miss Piggy
on The Tonight Show
April 2, 1979
In 1979, Kermit was the guest host on The Tonight Show, promoting The Muppet Movie, and basically turning the show into a big hour and a half Muppet special for the night. The guests on the show that night included Vincent Price, Bernadette Peters and Leo Sayer, but the rest of the Muppets tagged along too…
| Kermit
|
Y’know, one thing I’d love to do now… Can I bring out one of our stars? |
| Vincent
|
Of course. |
| Kermit
|
Because I have an introduction here, too. Excuse me. Ahem. Here it goes. It goes like this. [ reads: ] Okay, and here she is, ladies and gentlemen, the real star of The Muppet Show, a glamour queen of the first magnitude, a true superstar and the person who wrote this introduction… ladies and gentlemen, MISS PIGGY! |
| Piggy
|
[ Piggy enters, to applause and cheers. ] Thank you! Hello! And kissy kissy to you all! |
| Kermit
|
Aw, very good. You got your hair down, and you got all dressed and everything. |
| Piggy
|
Yes, don’t I look adorable? |
| Kermit
|
Ah, you look very good. You certainly do. |
| Piggy
|
Mmm hmm. Hello, Vincent! |
| Vincent
|
Hello, Miss Piggy! |
| Piggy
|
How are you, love? |
| Vincent
|
All my life I’ve wanted to meet you… I’ve met Garbo, and Miss Piggy. Everything is finished now. |
| Piggy
|
It must have been a long wait for moi. |
| Vincent
|
Oui. |
| Piggy
|
Mmm hmm. Well, Kermie, you’re doing just wonderfully. I’m so proud of my frog. |
| Kermit
|
Well, thank you, yes. I’m doing my best. |
| Piggy
|
And that’s all any frog can do. By the way, ladies and gentlemen, Vincent, and Ed, I have an announcement to make, and I wanted it to be here, on The Tonight Show. |
| Kermit
|
What is that? |
| Piggy
|
Well, I think the time has come, Kermie, to let it out of the bag. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to say, right here in front of everyone — that Kermit and moi am engaged! |
| Kermit
|
We… what? |
| [ Everyone applauds. ] | |
| Vincent
|
Ohhh! |
| Kermit
|
Wait a second! No, we are — we are not — hey, hold it, guys! No, no. |
| Vincent
|
Congratulations! |
| Kermit
|
We are not engaged. She — she just made that up. |
| Vincent
|
She did? |
| Kermit
|
Yeah! We are… I’m not engaged to you! |
| Piggy
|
[ growls ] Kermit… we are engaged. |
| Kermit
|
No, we’re not engaged! There’s no truth to that. |
| Piggy
|
We are… We will talk about this later. We are engaged. |
| Kermit
|
Okay, but don’t let this audience think that we’re engaged. We’re not engaged, folks. |
| Vincent
|
Wonderful to be in on that news when it… |
| Kermit
|
What? NO! It’s not true! |
| Piggy
|
Thank you. |
| Vincent
|
Isn’t it wonderful, Ed? |
| Ed
|
It’s great to hear it! Just great. |
| Vincent
|
Absolutely. |
| Kermit
|
Not you, too! NO! |
| Vincent
|
Congratulations! May you have lots and lots of… |
| Kermit
|
It’s not true! |
| Piggy
|
Thank you, Ed. Yes. |
| Kermit
|
[ sighs ] |
| Piggy
|
Yes, go on with your interview, now. |
| Kermit
|
… Go on with my interview? |
| Piggy
|
Yes. I want my frog to do well. Go ahead. |
And they do go ahead. But later on, there’s more trouble when Kermit brings out another guest…
| Kermit
|
Our next guest is the Director of the Institute for the Study of Animal Problems… |
| Piggy
|
Oooh! |
| Kermit
|
For the Humane Society of the United States. He is a psychologist and a practicing veterinarian. His latest book is called Understanding Your Pet. Please welcome Dr. Michael Fox! |
| [ Dr. Fox enters and greets them. ] | |
| Piggy
|
Hello. |
| Kermit
|
Good evening, Dr. Fox. |
| Fox
|
It’s very nice, being a veterinarian, talking to animals again. You know, we do this all the time. But I’m still a little bit uncomfortable talking to animals in public. |
| Piggy
|
Can I ask you just one simple question? |
| Fox
|
Yes, please. |
| Piggy
|
Can veterinarians officiate at weddings? |
| Kermit
|
Piggy… |
| Piggy
|
Just planning ahead! |
| Kermit
|
There’s not going to be any kind of wedding. |
| Piggy
|
Yes, dear. |
| Fox
|
To be perfectly serious, you know, I would advise some genetic counseling. You know, a pig and a frog — could give rise to all kinds of strange things. |
| Piggy
|
Yes. I’m hoping so. |
| [ Cheers from the audience. ] | |
| Kermit
|
Bouncing baby figs. |
| Piggy
|
Yes. |
| Kermit
|
Or pogs. Anyhow. Well, if you’re qualified to discuss animals, what could you tell us about, uh — oh, I don’t know, something like, pick something, like, frogs. How about frogs. |
| Piggy
|
Good pick. |
| Fox
|
Frogs. Okay. Well, frogs right now, I was in the Shenendoah Valley right by the river yesterday, beautiful rainy Sunday, and all the frogs were croaking. Pft. Pft. This is their mating time. And when it’s mating time for frogs, the little boys — you have five fingers, the little frogs, the males have a big thick ridge that grows so that they can hold on to the female. |
| [ Kermit and Piggy start examining Kermit’s hand. ] | |
| Fox
|
And their hormones develop special muscles. They develop huge muscles on the pectorals so that they can hold on to the lady. |
| [ Piggy checks out Kermit’s arms. ] | |
| Fox
|
Now, when the lady has laid her eggs, she gives a croak, and that’s the signal to get off. Now, sometimes… |
| Piggy
|
[ nods ] I’d better remember that! |
| Fox
|
Sometimes, the little boy frog makes a mistake, and climbs on to another little boy frog, because frogs do look rather similar. And the little boy frog gives a different kind of croak, which means, get off. And the little male gets off. It’s incredible biology. This way frogs don’t make mistakes. |
| Kermit
|
Okay, uh. What about any other unusual characteristics of frogs? |
| Fox
|
Frogs can be frozen, they can be put in the deep freeze. They’d be marvelous space travelers. In fact, frogs are really Super Animals. |
| Kermit
|
Oh! Thank you. |
| Fox
|
Another interesting thing about frogs is that they can be hypnotized. |
| Kermit
|
They can be hypnotized. |
| Fox
|
Yes. They can be laid on their backs, very slowly, and there was one scientist who was seeing how long a frog could be hypnotized. He put it on the table, and he found that it stayed there for hours and hours and hours, and he left it for about twenty-four hours. Then he went back to check it, and found that the frog had actually stuck to the table. So, some scientists do make mistakes. Rather gross. |
| Kermit
|
Oh! |
| Piggy
|
Yuchha. |
| Gonzo
|
Excuse me! Hey, pardon me. |
| Kermit
|
Oh! Gonzo. That’s the Great Gonzo on the other side of you, Dr. Fox. And that’s Camilla, too. |
| Camilla
|
Bawk, bawk. |
| Fox
|
Oh! How do you do. |
| Gonzo
|
This is my chicken girlfriend, Camilla. |
| Camilla
|
Bawk. |
| Fox
|
She’s gorgeous. |
| Gonzo
|
Isn’t she though? |
| Fox
|
Yes. Quite spectacular. |
| Gonzo
|
Yeah. Hey, Kermit. Congratulations on your plans. |
| Kermit
|
Will you cut that out. |
| Gonzo
|
Okay. Hey, listen. I just wanted to ask you a question. |
| Fox
|
Yes… |
| Gonzo
|
You say you can hypnotize frogs, right? |
| Fox
|
Yes. |
| Gonzo
|
Well, uh, could you, uh… hypnotize chickens? |
| Fox
|
Be careful… I think you’re hypnotizing her already. Well, actually, you just gently get hold and turn them over onto one side, very quietly… |
| Gonzo
|
Yeah… |
| Fox
|
And then you stroke them… this is Mesmer’s Passes… |
| Camilla
|
Bawwwwwk… |
| Fox
|
It sounds to me like she’s going to lay an egg. I think she’s going slowly… no… |
| [ Camilla gets up, unhypnotized, but Gonzo is standing with his eyes bugged out, staring straight ahead. ] | |
| Camilla
|
Bawk, bawk! |
| Fox
|
No. Definitely it’s egg-laying time. I’m sorry. You cannot hypnotize a chicken when she’s ready to lay an egg. It’s quite impossible. But you’re doing very well, I must say. |
| Camilla
|
[ trying to wake Gonzo ] Bawk? Bawk? |
| Kermit
|
Gonzo… |
| Fox
|
We’ve had a very rare case of transference. |
| Kermit
|
Yes, I think… |
| Piggy
|
Can you get him out, Camilla? |
| Fox
|
I should stick to veterinary medicine and animal behavior, and not get into psychiatry. |
| Kermit
|
That’s true. Okay. |
| Piggy
|
Can you just push him out, Camilla? Just push him out. That’s it. Thank you. |
| Camilla
|
Bawk-bawk… [ Camilla pushes Gonzo off stage. ] |
| Kermit
|
Okay. How about pigs? You have anything about pigs? |
| Fox
|
Pigs! Pigs are probably the most intelligent animals on the farm. |
| Kermit
|
Really? |
| Piggy
|
Hah! |
| Fox
|
A healthy piglet has a curly tail. It’s always a good sign of health. |
| Kermit
|
A what? |
| Piggy
|
That’s… that’s all right… |
| Kermit
|
[ looking for Piggy’s tail ] Turn around… |
| Piggy
|
Just… Ahem. [ She pushes him away. ] |
| Fox
|
The ladies are called sows, and the boys are called boars. |
| Piggy
|
You’re tellin’ me. |
| Fox
|
Now, the perjorative, pig, is really atrocious. I think when we call an animal a bad name, we should call it a human being, because I’m really annoyed when I hear somebody called a pig, or a sloth, or something like that. Because these are marvelous animals. But pigs especially, when you see their behavior. They have a wonderful love life. |
| Kermit
|
Oh, yeah? |
| Piggy
|
[ sigh ] |
| Fox
|
The boar has the most incredible… |
| Kermit
|
I think, just about the time we’re going into the love life of — |
| Piggy
|
Let him talk! |
| Kermit
|
It’s a good time to go to a commercial! |
| Piggy
|
I’d like to hear the rest! |
| Kermit
|
No! Let’s not hear about the sex life of pigs! |
| Piggy
|
Yes, yes! Go ahead! Tell me all about it! |
| Kermit
|
Let’s go to commercial, folks! |
by Danny Horn
