April 16, 2003
The 2nd Annual Ugly Toys Pageant
Finalists: Mostly Ugly
German Happy Meal Kermit
(McDonald's, 2003)
Score: 4.0
"I think Kermit is choking on something."
-- Emmy Miklasevich
"Looks like Digit was doing squidgy things with his eyeballs."
-- R.D.
"Mein Gott im Himmel!"
-- Erik Browne
Big Bird puppet
(Child Guidance, 1980)
Score: 4.1
"Obviously, the designer has never seen Big Bird before."
-- James Childress
"Assuming that it's not actually Big Bird,
he looks like a goofy, fun character that I want to know better.
I dub him... Bird McDoofington."
-- Dave Beukema
"The awkward 8th grade picture Big Bird hoped would never come out."
-- Michal
"Ugly, but not sanity-threateningly ugly."
-- Kynan Barker
Muppets Tonight porcelain
(France, 2001)
Score: 4.1
"Why are Count Dracula and Igor in this picture?"
-- Tom Holste
"Not nearly enough mascara."
-- Mike Horner
"This is obviously from some late night French goth show."
-- Lucy Posen
"I don't believe these are real... It just doesn't make sense!"
-- Zack Haumesser
"The challenge -- and thus the educational value -- of this toy
is to try and guess which Muppets they're intended to represent."
-- Kynan Barker
"They're porcelain mini sized figures...
They're a victim of circumstance."
-- James Gannon
German Happy Meal Animal
(McDonald's, 2003)
Score: 4.2
"Somehow ugly Animals don't seem that ugly,
perhaps because Animal's not all that handsome to begin with."
-- Ryan Roe
"His eyes are so badly crossed they've almost switched sides."
-- Tom Holste
"These German toys are kind of okay,
in a Hello Kitty, aww, lookit the widdle freaks of nature way."
-- Kynan Barker
German Happy Meal Rizzo
(McDonald's, 2003)
Score: 4.2
"I love when Rizzo wears that shirt,
in all the numerous productions he's worn it in."
-- Ryan Roe
"This one will haunt my dreams."
-- Jeremy Harper
"It's Ersatz, the Disease-Carrying Mouserodent!"
-- Kynan Barker
German Happy Meal Gonzo
(McDonald's, 2003)
Score: 4.3
"At least he's wearing his traditional beach outfit."
-- Tom Holste
"It looks more like a flamingo than Gonzo."
-- Emmy Miklasevich
"Why did that evil looking bird have to eat Gonzo?"
-- Jake Barker
Oscar doll
(Knickerbocker, 1970's)
Score: 4.3
"Sweet sassy molassy!"
-- Dave Beukema
"Please, make it go away. I'll be good."
-- Tom Holste
"It's a good thing they labeled him,
because otherwise we have no way to tell."
-- Michal
"Ugly, but in a rather cute way."
-- Helen Polson
This is your final warning...
The Winners are on the next page!