April 16, 2003
Can This Toy Be Saved?
The 2nd Annual Ugly Toys Pageant
Ladies
and gentlemen, frogs and pigs... as Muppet fans, we get hurt by ugly toys a lot.
We buy these toys because we love them -- or at least we love the characters
that they sort of vaguely resemble -- and then one day you turn around, and what
have you got? No money in your pocket, and a shelf full of cross-eyed homonculi, most of
which seem to be in carrot cars.
Well, the annual Ugly Toys Pageant is our chance to hurt back. Over the last two weeks, Tough Pigs readers have sat in judgement over 19 of the shadiest toys we could find, and rated each one on an Ugliness Scale of 1 to 5. And tonight... we reveal the Ugliest Muppet Toy of 2003.
This right here is the winner of last year's pageant, here to pass his slightly
soiled crown to the new champion. Over the next few pages, we'll count down the
"winners," starting with the toys that are in fact Not That Ugly, and
working our way up to the toys that have been voted by You, The People, as the
ugliest toys. (On the scale, 1 is Not That Ugly and 5 is Extremely Ugly.) Color
commentary from the voters is provided for your entertainment.
As always, protective eyewear should be worn at all times.
Not, Apparently, That Ugly
Tin car
(some candy company, 2001)
Score: 1.4
"Cute, if you like tin cars."
-- Daylight
"This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the feet sticking out the front."
-- Isha May
"Cute Muppets on a crap non-Muppet toy.
Why did gingham hubcaps never catch on?"
-- Kynan Barker
Big Bird hammer
(unknown, 1980's)
Score: 1.5
"Is Big Bird trying to compensate for somzing, hmmm?"
-- Carla Foss
"You can't touch this. (Hammer time.)"
-- Isha May
"That's not ugly, that's just goofy."
-- Dave Beukema
Easter Kermit doll
(Nanco, 2003)
Score: 2.0
"Both a vegetarian and an environmentalist, Kermit drives his Carrot car everywhere.
Carrot car? The hell?"
-- Lucy Posen
"Ugly rating: 1. What the fuck rating: 207. Why was this toy made?
It makes no sense, not even in the context of Easter.
The only possible explanation is that there was once a Muppet special called
Kermit's Magical Journey Through Bean Bunny's Digestive Tract."
-- Mike Horner
"Looks like he waitin' for a Fraggle to come along
so he can jack 'em with a sock full of pennies."
-- Mark Pethick
"That's not ugly, that's just goofy."
-- Isha May
Cookie Monster squeeze toy
(Child Guidance, 1980)
Score: 2.0
"Not so bad. I think I'd have fun chewing on it, were I so inclined."
-- Michal
"Cookie Monster meets Jabba the Hutt."
-- Marian Bayusik
"Squeeze it... does it make a noise like 'dweeeep'?
Then it's not so ugly anymore."
-- Kynan Barker
"Not that ugly, just tacky.
(Only a true Muppet fan can distinguish
between tacky and non-tacky Muppet merchandise.)"
-- Mark Pethick
"Back, Demented Dog Toy! Back!"
-- Jess Healey
Semi-Finalists: Kind of Ugly
Nascar beanbag bear
(Nascar, 2002)
Score: 2.4
"Are we rating the bear or the Animal likeness on his shirt?
Either way: another 3."
-- Tom Holste
"It's not ugly, it's dumb."
-- Zack Haumesser
"The world is coming to an end."
-- Mike Cervantes
Kermit's Game
(Milton Bradley, late 70's)
Score: 2.5
"There's something about Kermit's posture and expression
that make me uncomfortable."
-- Marian Bayusik
"This one gets a 3. Not so much because it's ugly,
but because it looks like a really stupid game."
-- Emmy Miklasevich
"As if this weren't disturbing enough:
Does the picture show that thing VIBRATING?"
-- Michal
"MY WATER BROKE! IT'S TIME!!!"
-- Kevin / Fozzi3b3ar
Animal doll
(Nanco, 2003)
Score: 2.6
"Give Haircut Now!"
-- Mike Cervantes
"I've seen worse."
-- Ryan Roe
"Not ugly -- adorable.
But adorable in the Gary Coleman, Emmanuel Lewis way,
where the first time you look, you go Awww,
and the second time you go AAAH!"
-- Kynan Barker
Animal window hanger
(Mexico, 2000's)
Score: 2.9
sent in by Mike Horner
"Looks like Animal just got out of the dryer."
-- Carla Foss
"It looks bad as Animal,
but could easily be remarketed as a Yosemite Sam doll."
-- Mark Pethick
"I know exactly where this is from, it's Mexico's Ebay.
It's been there for about two years now.
No one has bought it all the time it's been there."
-- Warrick Brownlow
Fozzie doll
(Nanco, 2003)
Score: 3.4
sent in by Tom Holste
"I think we just ran over Fozzie Bear."
"I thought I heard something funny."
-- Mike Horner
"I actually have one, and I carry it around everywhere I go.
Not out of love for the toy, but out of fear.
I'm afraid that when I'm not looking, this toy will kill me."
-- Emmy Miklasevich
"This is apparently Drunken Street Person Fozzie,
complete with bags under his eyes."
-- Isha May
Shield your eyes! Turn back now!
The Finalists are on the next page!