Danny

The next ghost appears right on time, and this one brings food!

Ghost: "Have you ever noticed that everything seems wonderful at Christmas?"

Kynan

Well, that depends. Scrooge's girlfriend broke up with him on Christmas, which isn't so wonderful. How insensitive. 

Danny

"It Feels Like Christmas" is a little more up-tempo, but it's hardly the show-stopper it wants to be. It's all the same puppets from the first song, so it feels less magical and more, like, where the fuck is Miss Piggy. Even the Muppet Show characters from the opening aren't in this number, for some reason. It's all the third-string puppets, backed by the Christmas Carol Fly Girls.

Kynan

I don't care! Favorite! Christmas! Song! Ever! 

Danny

No, it's a great song. I just want the Muppets to sing it.

Danny

Yuck. Scrooge is trying to warm up, but I don't buy it. That little dance he does with the Ghost is entirely false, it's just Michael Caine being a Good Sport.

Kynan

Yeah, that's not a good moment. Meanwhile, Fred and Clara are supposed to be warm and friendly, but look how they're spending Christmas -- talking smack about their uncle and laughing hysterically.

Danny

Finally! We get some Miss Piggy, 56 and a half minutes in. It's a new world record.

Kynan

Well, just remember, Piggy couldn't have had a bigger part -- Frank was way too busy performing Fozzie and Sam. 

Danny

And it's such a shame, because as soon as Piggy appears, she's wonderful -- scarfing chestnuts, getting her daughters' names wrong. She's perfect. The pigs slam Kermit up against the wall, Piggy calls him "Cratchie"... As soon as the Muppets come into the picture, it gets good again.

Kynan

I love Bettina and Belinda. Imagine Muppets Tonight with Bettina and Belinda instead of Andy and Randy! And even little Peter. That moment where he gets shoved out of the way sums up everything you need to know about the family relationships. 

Kermit: "He told me that he hoped the people could see him in church, because it might be pleasant for them to remember upon Christmas Day who made lame beggars walk and blind men see."

Danny

Man, what a pill. How into yourself can you be.

Kynan

Apparently, when a frog and a pig mate, they produce female pigs and male frogs -- but the male offspring have a 50% chance of being born with Nonspecific Fatal Infant Lameness.

Danny

I remember when I saw this in the theater -- and right at this exact moment, when we realized they were starting another song, every single person in the audience groaned. It's pretty, but it's been three "pretty" songs in a row. In The Muppet Movie, this is when they'd plug in "I Hope That Something Better Comes Along," to rev us up for act 3. "Bless Us All" is more like a lullaby.

Kynan

They should have cut "When Love Is Gone" and made "Bless Us All" a little more upbeat. It's a lovely song, and hearing Kermit and Piggy sing together is great, but songs can be inspiring and toe-tapping at the same time.

Danny

For my money, they should've cut "It Feels Like Christmas" earlier, and had the Cratchits sing that here. 

Kynan

But you'd still cut "When Love Is Gone," right?

Danny

Oh, right, of course. That's baseline. Hey, and now the song ends with Tiny Tim choking to death. Nice! Well done, everyone. Take five.

Kynan

They even left that in on the soundtrack. Bless us all... and three cheers for tuberculosis!

Danny

And then a graveyard. Super. This oughta be real Action Scrooge territory. He sees the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come -- and he starts kickboxing! And then he blasts off with his rocket pack! And then he... Oh. He just stands there and bugs his eyes out. Okay.

Kynan

Gonzo and Rizzo have fled the scene again. Advantage: us.

Danny

I don't know about that. They get to skip this part, and we don't.

Scrooge: "So quiet. Why is it so quiet, spirit?"

Danny

Because the audience fell asleep halfway through "Bless Us All."

Danny

Hey, this must be next Christmas. The Cratchit kids haven't grown at all, this can't be more than a year in the future. I wonder what's supposed to happen to Scrooge in the next year that's going to kill him by Christmas Day?

Kynan

His bathrobe finally fought back. 

Danny

The scene of Kermit and Piggy grieving over Tiny Tim is really intense, though. It's the best Muppet acting I've ever seen. 

Kynan

Well, those tears aren't for Tiny Tim. Jerry Juhl knew it, Brian knew it, and Steve and Frank knew it, and that's what's coming through here. It's a beautiful scene. 

Danny

Back in the graveyard, and Scrooge is only just starting to figure out what we've all known for seven minutes. Yeah, yeah, I saw Mister Magoo do this when I was a kid. Can we move this along?

Kynan

Scrooge and the Ghost do this little silent slapstick with the graves. This grave? No, that one. This one? No! Oh, you mean this one. No, THAT one! Fer cryin' out loud.

Danny

So now Michael Caine weeps at his own grave, merry Christmas. Last I checked this was a Muppet movie, but suit yourselves.

Kynan

Close your eyes and imagine what the wisecracking Joey Mazzarino character would have said here.

Danny

Hey, it's Bean! Oh, this almost makes up for everything, a nice long Bean Bunny scene.

Kynan

If Bean had shown up at the cemetery and fallen into an open grave, that would have been a double whammy.

Kynan

Such a fanboy, but I like the sign in the background that says Statler & Waldorf. I was the only one in the cinematorium who got that one.

Danny

And then Action Scrooge sings, which is kind of whatever. You can tell that he's trying to channel Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka, but it doesn't quite come off.

Kynan

He's dropping gifts off to Fred and Clara, which is going to screw up their Twenty Questions game something awful.

Danny

So the lesson is, what, here? That you can be greedy and horrible to people for years and years, and then give everyone a lot of expensive presents, and in ten minutes, you're the most popular man in town. Yes? This is a Bill Gates Christmas?

Kynan

It's the Prodigal Son. There's rejoicing in the kingdom of heaven over Scrooge returning to the flock. Also, dude, expensive presents.

Danny

It's nice to let Kermit and Piggy have another little guest spot in their own movie.

Danny

That's the tragedy of these adaptations; the characters get shoehorned into parts that aren't perfect for them. Maybe Gonzo should have been Cratchit, and Kermit and Piggy the narrators. Or something. Did I say wisecracking sidekick yet?

Danny

Man, it's a standing room only Christmas dinner.

Kynan

Let's take a moment to appreciate the now-standard Truckload of Muppets pullback ending. Awww. I love it when Sprocket turns up in crowd scenes.

Rizzo: "Nice story, Mr Dickens."

Gonzo: "Oh, thanks! If you like this, you should read the book."

Danny

Or watch The Muppet Movie. 

Danny

So, what did we learn about Christmas this year?

Kynan

I don't know about Christmas, but I learned that every Muppet production could benefit from our creative input. Next year, you and I should punch up the Nativity Story. Imagine if Mary and Joseph had a wisecracking donkey, played by Joey Mazzarino!

Danny

Well, my Christmas wish is that the Muppets Wizard of Oz is heavy on the Muppets.

Kynan

And have them smack Bean Bunny around a little.

Danny

Yeah, that sounds great. Merry Christmas, my friend!

Kynan

Merry Christmas to you!