ToughPigs

This past Sunday, I had the amazing opportunity to attend the New York Toy Fair, where all of the toy companies come out to show their wares. ToughPigs' own Martha and Andrea were with me as we used our finely-tuned Sixth Sense to spot anything with a Sesame or Muppet logo. And that Sixth Sense was invaluable, as there were hundreds upon hundreds of booths. We were lucky enough to see some great toys that are coming out in the next year, and what kind of friend would I be if I didn't share the news? A pretty crummy friend, that's what. Well, crummy ain't in my profile, so here's some fun things to whet your whistle.

Master Replicas/Corgi

It's times like these that I wish I had a business card with the ToughPigs logo. Because dropping the "I write for a Muppet fan website" shout-out is apparently good enough to get us inside Corgi's closed doors, but not good enough to take pictures or ask detailed questions. Thankfully someone out there was able to grab photos, so you can see what I'm talking about.

The Kermit, Animal, Gonzo, and Fozzie Master Replicas photo puppets were on display. It was the first time I'd seen the Animal, Gonzo and Fozzie ones up close. There's a lot of good to be said for Animal, though I'm still convinced that his facial hair is all wrong. But the ostridge feathers are very pretty, and they flow like he's alive when there's a breeze. Gonzo looks great, with the exception of his nose, which is not-so-arguably the most important feature to get right. I understand the problems that arise when using foam, but I would have much preferred if they caved in and built a nose out of hard plastic. Fozzie, as TP's own Martha put it, makes up for all of the ugly Fozzie merchandise we've ever had. He's beautiful and perfect. I can't think of anything bad to say about him. He's a little shorter than I pictured him, but it fits with the sizes of the other photo puppets. I can only hope that he's affordable, as I pretty much need to own one.


The other Muppet product in Corgi's hidden room was five small Electric Mayhem figurines. They were very pretty, but the design was just flawed enough to make a shopper second-guess. The person I spoke to didn't have any details, but she said that the figures will be sold on the higher-end. Meaning that if they aren't perfect, and they're a little more expensive, they'll probably sell approximately 3 of them. And they'll all be Animal, because everyone loves Animal. Eat drums.



Gund

The Gund showroom was also closed to the public, so we decided to be sneaky and see how much we could see before someone noticed us. Most of the toys were nothing new. Dolls and puppets and some Abby Cadabby stuff. What caught my eye was a beautiful Count von Count doll. He really looked just like the puppet, and I'll shell out some dough for it. Another new (to me, at least) item I saw was Twiddlebug finger puppets. It's an idea so natural, I'm upset with myself for not thinking of it first. At that point, someone realized that we weren't important and we were shown the door. Well, the joke's on you, Gund, because I'm promoting your products anyway! Ha HA!

MINDstyle/Dark Horse

MINDstyle and Dark Horse had two booths across from each other, so forgive me if I didn't bother to tell them apart. They had all of the City Critters out on display, which are very nice. Not quite as Muppety as I'd like, but they're fun little toys. There were three Dark Crystal statues on display, including a pretty statue of Jen and Kira with the Crystal Shard. But the highlights were the Fraggle Rock toys.


First off, there is an 8" Doozer. And he's beautiful. Though Doozers are so simple, I'd imagine they'd be hard to mess up (I'm sure that won't stop the toy companies from trying). They had just received the Doozer that morning, so they didn't have any details yet, but they said he will probably be on a slightly higher-end than an action figure. I'll do some research to try and find out more about it.


The other Fraggle surprise was the upcoming Fraggle Rock blind-boxed figures. They're maybe about 2 1/2" tall, slightly stylized, and very very pretty. Characters include: Gobo, Mokey, Wembley, Boober, Red, Traveling Matt, two Doozers on a Doozer construction, the Trash Heap's head, Pa Gorg's head, Sprocket's head (with bowl), and two generic Fraggles. I'm a little surprised that they included the two generic Fraggles above Junior or Ma Gorg, Cantus, Convincing John, or even some sort of variant (Boober dressed as the Old Gypsy Lady?). The other strange part is that each character is placed on top of an alphabet block. I'd think that these would be marketed toward an older crowd, so the "educational" value might be better left off. Plus, I have no idea what learning letters has to do with Fraggle Rock. But other than that, these figures are terrific, and I can't wait to own them. I'm not excited about the blind-boxes, but a Muppet fan's gotta do what a Muppet fan's gotta do. And that's spend a lot of money.

Toy Vault

The good people at Toy Vault were nice enough to let me take pictures, so I'll let them speak for themselves. And in case my photo skillz aren't good enough for you, here you'll see a pillow with the Dark Crystal logo, a plush Fizzgig (with giant, scary opening mouth), plush of Rygel from Farscape, Labyrinth Door Knocker plush (I can only assume the other one will be produced as well), and a Talking Ludo plush (unfortunately, the demo didn't have the voice chip yet, but he's adorable anyway).



Deal Makers

This is a Dutch company that makes Sesamstraat wooden toys like scooters, toy trains, toy cars, and the like. Their American counterpart will soon be selling these toys (with the Sesame Street logo, I'd wager), and I happen to think they're cutie patootie. I especially like the cars, which wobble as they roll. They've got a vintage look to them, and I'm a sucker for toys that don't even try to be "realistic". Just a wooden ball with Ernie's face painted on it, that's all I need. Also pictured are some Sesamstraat bicycle bells. Not yo-yo's, as I originally assumed.




Putumayo Kids

The last booth we visited was Putumayo Kids, which specializes in international CDs and DVDs. They had a video playing of their new release, called "Sesame Street Playground," which is a compilation of songs and skits from all of the different Sesame Street productions from around the world (subtitled for the mono-lingualled like myself). The video looked like a lot of fun, and it's always interesting to see Elmo trouncing about in some foreign nation. The DVD will come packaged with a CD, so get ready for some new-to-us material from Sesame Workshop! The art in the image is the final album art without the text added yet.


Unfortunately, we were not able to get access to the Fisher Price room where they were unveiling the new Elmo Live doll. But you can see some video of the unbelievable living Elmo here.

So, I hope you enjoyed this quick review of Toy Fair, and I hope you feel like you were there too. If you do, you owe me $8 for the cab. C'mon man, we said we were splitting it! Don't be that guy.

Click here to get all excited over toys that won't hit the shelves for another 8 months on the ToughPigs forum!

Labels: DVD, Fraggle Rock, Master Replicas, merchandise, review, Sesame Street

Come, my darlings, and let me read you a story. It’s a story full of magic, suspense, clinical depression, sombreros, the bastardization of Christmas, and one Very Brief Cameo.

Once upon a time, as far back as you or I can remember, even as far back as November, 2007, a mediocre movie premiered called Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium. The movie starred a very old Willy Wonka and his magical Wal-Mart. He is joined by the weird girl from Garden State and Teen Wolf Jr. Oh, and that kid who wouldn’t take a shower in Wet Hot American Summer.

You may ask yourself, “What sort of craziness will come of the unification of such minds?” Well yourself, nothing short of the finest art imaginable! That is, assuming “finest” means “below par, and slightly painful.” If that’s what you meant, then you were right on target. Sorry if you thought.. y’know, skip it. Just try not and get your hopes up.

In the should-have-been-straight-to-DVD Blockbuster hit, Mr. MacGonacle’s Wonderful Monacle, a crazy old man hangs out with kids, prophesizes his own death, watches his store (read: not a euphemism for his libido, we swear.. no, really) crumble to pieces, and (SPOILER ALERT) dies, passing all of his responsibilities (read: debt) along to his daughter-like protégé. I assure you, none of the story has anything to do with why you’re reading about this on a Muppet fan site.

About 14 minutes into the film, in the middle of a montage of what it would be like to hang out in a store like this without parental supervision, money, school, or brand names, our very own Kermit the Frog makes a cameo as himself.

I now present to you the full scene of Kermit’s appearance.

INTERIOR, DAY

KERMIT THE FROG ENTERS AISLE CARRYING A SHOPPING BASKET

KERMIT (BROWSING): Ooh. Aha.

KERMIT NOTICES KIDS

KIDS (STARING LIKE THEY’VE NEVER SEEN A TALKING FROG BEFORE): Tee hee.

KERMIT: Heya. Just, uh, (NODS) uh, shopping. (MORE NODS) Shopping. (EVEN MORE NODS) Just, um, shopping.

KERMIT EXITS

And 13 glorious seconds after it began, it is all over. The movie, in case you were wondering, has another hour and 15 minutes to go, which is sufficient time to think of about 11,000 better ways to have spent your $10.75.

So, would I recommend Mr. Willowby’s Wonder Tree? Ye gods, yes! 13 seconds of Muppets in a feature film is the most screentime they’ve gotten since 1999! Totally worth sitting through Dustin Hoffman’s Bugs Bunny impression.

By which I mean, please don’t go see this movie. Kermit will be just fine without the proceeds of this film. If he can survive that cameo in Glitter, he can survive anything.

Click here to come up with more funny words that sounds like "Magorium" on the ToughPigs forum!

Labels: Muppet movies, review

Quite often, I find myself sitting at my desk, looking slightly to the right so I can't see my wall calendar (which features pictures of people ironing in dangerous locations), and slightly below the vantage point of my computer monitor, and I can't help but wonder what day it is. Here is where I take note of my options. I can either stick my head out the window and sing "O Solo Mio" until someone shouts "Are you crazy?? It's 2:30 in the morning on Tuesday, December 9th!" or I can consult my brand new Day-At-A-Time Muppet calendar!

That's right, for the Muppet fan who can't stand to see the same picture for more than 24 hours, you can now head out to your local Amazon.com retailer and purchase a year's worth of calendar.

Right there on the front of the box, the calendar is advertised as having "Full Color on Every Page". And thankfully, they aren't guilty of false advertising here. If they were, I'd sue their pants off. Though that'd be pretty easy since many of the Muppets are already sans pants.

Aside from the colors, the pictures themselves are pretty impressive. At first glance, it just looks like a bunch of poser shots we've seen 100 times before. But at second and third glance, I didn't see many repeated images, plus a significant amount that I'd never seen before. Flipping through right now, I see Piggy on a carousel, Kermit as Galileo, and a picture that looks like the Swedish Chef is smoking a joint. Wait, forget I was ever amazed by that last one.

A word of caution from ToughPigs forum member and all-around nice guy Jimmy: "It seems like the variation of the pictures is pretty good, but towards the end they repeat images, sometimes for several days in a row. August 26-September 7 show "A spotlight on Statler and Waldorf," and the images consist of just two poser pics, alternated for all the days. On November 3-7, there is a list of all Muppet show guest stars, and while the accompanying picture is one I have never seen, it is repeated for all of those days. Despite this, the overall variety is pretty good and the calendar does have quite a few pictures I had never seen before. " Thanks, Jimmy!

The calendar also claims to have "Everything You Ever Wanted To Know, But Didn't Know Who to Ask." First of all, for those of you who actually don't know where to go for Muppet trivia, may I direct you to the Muppet Wiki? No? Ok, moving right along...

A secret squirrel has informed me that long-time Muppet writer Jim Lewis was tagged to help write up the trivia for the calendar. Although Jim (whoever wrote the text) probably could have entered some Morsel-worthy trivia into the calendar, we're left with trivia bits like Who-is-Scooter? and "Say, who were the celebrity guests in season 2 of The Muppet Show?" All easily attainable information for anyone with Google at their fingertips.

And speaking of trivia, we should only hope that the trivia in the calendar is all correct. While scanning a few random pages for this article, I found one that asks "Which of these Muppets was created first?", in which the upside-down answer claims that Rowlf debuted before Kermit. According to the Muppet Wiki, Kermit was built a full seven years before Rowlf. A minor quibble, but another example of how the Muppet Wiki is better than just about everything else in the world.

After having the calendar for almost two weeks now, I've gotten over my high expectations for brilliant Muppet trivia and focused more on having a great Muppet picture every single day, and I'm loving it. I look forward to the end of the day when I can tear off that picture of Sam the Eagle and find a new image of Clifford. It's what they should have been giving us every year for the last 10 years. Daily Muppets.

Highly recommended, for people who like days.

Click here once a day to discuss this article on the ToughPigs forum!

Labels: merchandise, review

Guess who's nominated for a Grammy? If you guessed "the Muppets," you're correct! (If you guessed "Amy Winehouse," you're also correct, but that's not who I'm going to write about, at least not today.) Last year's album A Green and Red Christmas was nominated for Best Musical Album for Children. Now, this CD came out way back in October of 2006... so what better time to review it than December 2007? So join me, won't you, as I make some hot chocolate and listen to this year's only Grammy nominee that features a song by a prawn.

Labels: awards, christmas, music, review

Over the past year, Sesame Workshop has been very kind to us, providing us with oodles of classic Sesame Street DVDs which remind us of simpler times before Oscar was green, before Cookie Monster had a neck, and when Bob wore shirts that could now be used as road flares.

It's almost amazing that the now 74-year-old Bob is still hanging out with the monsters and kids and monster-kids on that inner city street. You'll be happy to hear that not only is he sticking around, he's not planning on slowing down any time soon.

Bob has recorded at least 10 albums over the past 37 years, and his newest album #11 is Christmas Sing Along, filled with, you guessed it, Christmas songs. Now, as an uneducated Jewish boy, I was admittedly a little hesitant in buying this album. I can count the number of Christmas-related albums I've bought on one finger (that'd be Muppet Christmas Carol, for those of you keeping score). Growing up, we felt like we heard the same three Christmas songs over and over, and somehow we still never learned the words to them (seriously, a verse about figgy pudding? You're making that up...) And while Bob's new CD might not have much of a re-listenability factor for year-round enjoyment, he did make one heck of an album.

The very first thing I noticed about the album is that Bob has a wonderful wonderful voice. It's smooth and light, confident and positive, yet devoid of arrogance. And considering Bob is pushing 3/4 of a century, he still sounds just as he did back in the 70s. If I didn't know better, I'd assume that this was a reissued album, found in a time capsule left to us by the ToughPigs of yesteryear.

Likewise, his backup band is terrific. The only name I recognize in the liner notes is Blue Lou Marini, from the Saturday Night Live Band and the Blues Brothers Band, but they all do a terrific job when you stop to listen. There's no MIDI files here, folks. I can definitely hear some jazz influence in the background of about half of the songs, giving parents a little something to appreciate in case your kids insist on listening to this album over and over and over. Which they might.

While many of the songs are pretty straight-forward Christmas carols, my favorite by far is the novelty song, "What a Great Christmas It Was," which tells the story about Santa accidentally switching presents. So Grandma gets a yo-yo, the dog gets underwear, and Dad becomes a cross dresser. Um, you just have to hear the song. It's greatness songified.

Also included on this album is the Sesame Street classic, "Keep Christmas With You." And while it's not the same without Linda signing the lyrics, it's still nice to hear a new version.

Back on December 7, I was lucky enough to see Bob perform at a Barnes and Noble in promotion of the new CD. Being the technologically devoid person I am, I bought a disposable camera (which still has like 20 pictures left on it.. sorry, you won't be seeing those for a while) and I took some video footage with my cell phone. It's only 14 seconds, and there's a kid screaming behind me, and the quality is like I'm shooting in an underwater smoking lounge... y'know what, I just suck as a cameraman. Enjoy the video of Bob singing "Keep Christmas With You," and if you like Christmas, go buy this CD. You won't regret it.

Click here to discuss Seven Swans A-Swimming on the ToughPigs forum!

Labels: humans, music, review, Sesame Street

Thanksgiving is almost here! Do you know what I'm thankful for? Well yeah, okay, I'm thankful for underwear, but do you know what else? I'm thankful for the Fraggle Rock Complete Third Season DVD set. I realize it came out way back in September, but I'm still thankful for it. I am so full of thanks that I slosh when I walk, and I'm going to tell you about it:

I'm Thankful for Episodes I've Never Seen Before. With each new complete season release I grow closer, ever closer, to having seen all 96 episodes. I'll be sad when there are no more left for me to discover, because there are no other good television shows available on DVD. But until then, it's fun to see episodes that are new-to-me, and this season has some real doozies (Not to mention some real Doozers.)

In "The Beanbarrow, the Burden and the Bright Bouquet," Red's life is threatened by voracious foliage and she responds by singing a lullaby to a potted plant. In "Playing Till It Hurts," we meet Rock Hockey Hannah, probably the only Fraggle ever to wear earrings. Who knew they even HAD ears? "Scared Silly" is one of the weaker episodes of the season, but it is notable for affording a rare opportunity to see Boober acting like a total jerkwad. And "Bored Silly" is a great episode that's really representative of the Fraggle/Gorg relationship... I'd put it on a list of episodes to show a Fraggle neophyte.

I'm Thankful for Episodes I Know and Love. I was a kid and fan of Fraggle Rock during its original run, but I didn't have HBO. Heck, my hometown didn't even have cable yet. I had four channels to choose from, and if the picture got fuzzy, I had to climb up on the roof and adjust the antenna. And I was four years old! So I relied on tapes of Fraggle Rock recorded by my awesome, big-city-dwelling, HBO-having aunt.

A number of those episodes are present here: There's "Wembley and the Mean Genie," with an outstanding performance by Richard Hunt as a genie who's nowhere near as sexy or eager to please as Barbara Eden, although it should be noted that you can't see his belly button either, but it's not so much because of censors as it is because he's a puppet. There's "Boober and the Glob" -- the first Fraggle episode I ever saw, back before I even knew that Fraggles were Muppets -- in which Boober, who can't tell a joke to save his life, has to tell a joke to save someone else's life. "The Secret Society of Poobahs" is here too, with a terrific and occasionally side-splitting Jerry Juhl-penned script about Mokey's attempts to join the ranks of a secret society.

I'm Thankful for the Ever-expanding Universe. By this time all the characters were well-established, so the writers started exploring the world beyond the day-to-day lives of the five principals. There's an all-Gorg episode ("The Battle of Leaking Roof"), as well as two episodes with scenes that take place outside the confines of the Gorg's estate. "The Cavern of Dreams" and "Gunge the Great and Glorious" teach us about Doozer history and politics, and in "Born to Wander," we find out how Uncle Traveling Matt first became an explorer. We even get to see him without his moustache! (Spoiler: He looks weird.)

I'm Thankful for the Presentation of the DVD. We should all bake up some delicious brownies and send them to HIT Entertainment. For the third time now, they've given us a lovely package, suitable for viewing. The episodes all look and sound fine to me, although some of the colors occasionally seem too bright or too dull, but that might just be my TV. (I'll post a review of my TV here next week.)

And talk about extras! Okay, I will. After season one's replica of Jim Henson's brainstorming notebook and season two's copy of the Fraggle Rock pitch book, I was wondering what artifact might remain for inclusion here... a photo of Jerry Juhl's typewriter? A copy of Kathy Mullen's dry cleaning receipts? Well, those aren't here, but instead we get pages and pages of designer Michael Frith's sketches and concept drawings for "The Origin of the Rock." It's fascinating, it comes in a nifty-looking fake pouch, and it's all accompanied by Frith's commentary. Say, did you know that an early incarnation of the Trash Heap was originally conceived as a Sesame Street character? Neither did I -- until now! Just make sure you don't read these in front of an industrial fan, because they're just loose pages, easily susceptible to blowing away.

Oh, and did I mention the featurettes? I hope the producers of the Muppet Show season sets are paying attention, because this is the way to make fans happy. We'd be doing cartwheels and backflips to get this level of quality in our Muppet Show extras.

The 30-minute "Season 3 overview" would have been good enough, with new interview footage of the show's writers talking about how various episodes came to be. For example, "Believe It or Not" came about because writer Jocelyn Stevenson wanted to do an episode about the fact that we all create our own reality, and what you believe things is to be is the way you end up perceiving them. (Is this heavy stuff for a kids' show, or what?) And then you have your "How the heck did they do that?" technical shorts, and your new interviews, including one with Gerry Parkes, the actor who played Doc, and who seems like a wonderfully sweet old man.

As is perhaps obvious, I'm an enormous geek, and I devour any kind of behind-the-scenes footage, so the one featurette that comes as the biggest delightful surprise is "Scared Silly - Art Imitating Life," which is basically footage of the Fraggle folks sitting around talking about how much fun they used to have scaring the heck out of each other on the set. Really, watching the entire "bonus disc" feels like sitting in on a reunion of the cast and crew of the show as they reminisce about what a great few years the show was, and I don't know about you, but I can't think of a better way to spend an afternoon.

Having Said That... I'm trying to find something to complain about, but I gotta say, it's difficult. Actually, there is one thing that bugs me. So, there's a postcard from Uncle Traveling Matt in almost every episode of the series, right? Which means they had to come up with 90-something things for him to misunderstand. Apparently season three was when they started running out of good ideas. Rollercoasters and trains are funny, but lightswitches? Not as funny. One episode's postcard features Matt encountering a mirror and mistaking his reflection for an ugly creature who wants to steal his food. Come on. Matt's stupid, but doesn't it stretch credibility to suggest that he has no clue what he looks like?

So, Yeah. I'm thankful for the show, and I'm thankful for HIT, and I'm thankful for these DVDs. They may not taste as good as the mashed potatoes with gravy I'm planning eat on Thanksgiving, but on the other hand, they don't make a big mess when you put them in the DVD player.

Click here to discuss Fraggle Rock: Complete Third Season on the Tough Pigs forum!

Labels: DVD, Fraggle Rock, review

This week saw the debut of a brand-new project from the Jim Henson Company entitled Tinseltown. Tinseltown is a comedy series about a gay couple trying to get by in Hollywood , one of whom is a pig and the other of whom is a bull, both of whom are puppets. Bobby Vegan (the pig) is performed by Bill Barretta and Samson Knight (the bull) is performed by Brian Henson.

The show debuted last Friday as part of the gay-themed Logo cable network's "Alien Boot Camp" programming block. ("Alien Boot Camp" sounds like an Japanese cartoon series, doesn't it? Probably something about robotic pandas fighting skeletons in a submarine.) But if you missed it, you can watch it yourself right now, on the internet, by visiting the Alien Boot Camp website.

But should you watch it? Well, that depends... Do you find the following things funny: Puppets in bondage gear, 13-year-old children drinking beer, jokes about pigs having intimate relations with midgets? If so, this is the show for you. If not, you might want to stay away. Basically, it's a puppet show for people who believe comedy never needs to aim any higher than Comedy Central's Drawn Together, that a puppet uttering obscenities automatically constitutes "edgy" humor.

Tinseltown is a production of the Henson Company's new division, Henson Alternative, which focuses on adult-targeted projects. For short they're calling it ha!, the same abbreviation Jim Henson used back when his company was called Henson Associates. In those days, it was a pretty sure thing that anyone watching a ha! production would frequently make noises that sounded like the company's name, but sadly, that's much less likely with this newest venture. They try so very hard to be "adult" and "edgy"... in fact, they try too hard in their misguided attempt to reach the mature audience. I'm not saying they shouldn't produce stuff intended for that audience, but if they're going to try, it should be good stuff, or we'll all left wishing for an alternative to Henson Alternative.

The plot concerns Bobby, a struggling actor, skipping out on an audition arranged for him by Samson, his manager, so he can go shopping with Lena, a human woman who is Bobby's friend and Samson's ex-wife. Or... she's Samson's friend and Bobby's ex-wife. I don't remember, but it doesn't really matter, because she doesn't have a personality to speak of and all she really gets to do is get drunk. I realize this is only the first episode, so it could get better from here, but... look, I mean, one of the funniest jokes in the whole thing is that Samson & Bobby's foster son is named "Foster." I'm amazed there wasn't a line about Samson feeling "horny."

I have no idea if there are any other episodes forthcoming, or if this was just a one-time, tryout kind of thing or what, but I honestly can't say I'm glad I spent those 10 minutes (plus, like, 38 more minutes waiting for the freaking video to buffer...) watching Tinseltown.

Oh well... maybe the next gay-pig-and-bull-in-Hollywood show that comes along will be better.

Click here to comment on this article on the Tough Pigs forum!

Labels: henson alternative, other muppet/henson shows, review

Hey, remember when the Muppets used to make funny things? Cast your mind back. I have fond memories of those days, and I've been missing them terribly.

So here's an example. Gonzo and Rizzo are asked by an interviewer, "What is friendship?" And Gonzo says, "Well, if you look at, you know, from his point of view -- or, actually, cause you're asking from my point of view... Okay, well, from my point of view, I look at it, see, what I do is I look it through his point of view."

He goes on. "And when I'm looking through Rizzo's eyes at me, feeling things about him, to describe our friendship... then, what I'll do is, I'll get some therapy, and, uh..."

"Wait a second, wait a second," Rizzo interrupts.

Gonzo says, "Wait, what was the question?"

"This is a very complicated answer," Rizzo shrugs.

Gonzo explains that he's been in therapy for fifteen years. The interviewer asks, "Ever thought of changing your therapist?"

"I don't have a therapist," Gonzo says. "I do it myself."

"Self-therapy," Rizzo adds.

"Yeah," Gonzo nods. "It's cheaper that way."

And there you go, it's as easy as that. Point a camera at a couple of Muppets, and that's what they do; they act funny. Now that you think of it, it's amazing that they haven't tried it before.

This exchange, by the way -- I should explain where this exchange comes from -- it's from the new Muppet Show: Season Two DVD set, which is coming out next week. There's a bonus feature called "The Muppets on Muppets", which is twelve minutes of this kind of stuff.

Miss Piggy claims that she has a vacation house in Maine where she hosts elaborate parties. Fozzie asks Kermit why he gets so upset when he talks about Piggy. Pepe says that he has three secrets for success, which he calls Pepe's three secrets for success, okay, and he can't tell you the first one, because it's a secret. Animal, straining at the end of his chain, admits that he likes bunny rabbits.

It's just good stuff, good ol' fashioned Muppets being amusing type stuff. It feels like it's improvised -- but it might just be the kind of writing and performing that makes you think it's improvised. The performers slip right into these characters with a natural, easy charm, as if it hasn't been two years since their last movie.

Oh, and there's also some Muppet Show episodes on this set, a whole season's worth, and it's a great season, too. John Cleese is forced to sing "To Dream the Impossible Dream", Rudolf Nureyev performs "Swine Lake" with a giant pig ballerina, Miss Piggy hires Scooter to bribe the audience, Bernadette Peters sings "Just One Person" to cheer up Robin the Frog.

They're comfortable enough with the show at this point to start playing with the format, so they hold auditions for new acts in the Steve Martin episode, and the pigs take over the show in the Cloris Leachman episode. "Pigs in Space" is introduced, Beaker joins Bunsen Honeydew in the Muppet Labs skits, and the whole show just comes together in surprising and remarkable new ways. If you haven't seen these episodes in a long time -- this is where your fond memories of the show begin.

The episodes are uncut, which is unbelievably great, and they look gorgeous and clear. And The Muppet Valentine Show is on it, and the Weezer video. I even like the packaging; they didn't use the tired old ugly poser photos that have been ruining my day since 1999. I honestly can't say a bad thing about this set, and anybody who can is just being persnickety for the sake of it.

Remember when the Muppets were funny? They're being funny right now on my TV -- old funny stuff and new funny stuff, just like we've been waiting for. I love it. Make more of everything.

Labels: DVD, review, the muppet show

This is the third in a three-part series of articles in which Tough Pigs contributors take a look at The Dark Crystal. The first installment can be found here and the second can be found here.


It’s true, folks. I was privy to the same viewing of The Dark Crystal as TP’s own Ryan and Michal. And boy, do I have a lot to say about my first time seeing The Dark Crystal in several years. Unfortunately, Ryan and Michal have done a pretty thorough job at giving us some good reviews in great detail. So I don’t have much more to say on the subject.

But have you ever known me to be at a loss for words?

Rather than rehash what’s said and done (more said than done), I will bring to you, our beloved ToughPig readers, a list of sounds heard in The Dark Crystal that drive me crazy.

The Narrator. Sure, Joseph O’Conor did a smashing job with his Shakespearean-trained voice, but when you’ve got an old British man talking to you for 5 minutes with nothing on the screen, it’s easy to fall asleep even before the plot even gets the chance to sedate you.

The Mystiks. The first time we see the Mystiks, they start their rousing rendition of “Twist and Shout.” And I don’t know about you, but I can’t stand a bad Beatles cover of an Isley Brothers cover of a Topnotes song. That, and it makes my eardrums vibrate and explode. So there’s that.

The Dying Emperor. SkekSo, the Skeksis Emperor, begins the movie by dying a horrible, painful death. In doing so, he screams a lot. And by a lot, I mean a helluva lot. Why couldn’t he have died quietly like his Mystik counterpart? Maybe so we could hear Jerry Nelson’s Scred voice just one last time. In abundance.

The Garthim. Here is my impression of a Garthim. CLICKITY CLICKITY CLICKITY CLICKITY CLICK. Now pretend I’m repeating that for an hour.

Augrah. Remember that ancient great-great-aunt you had to visit every year? And remember how her scratchy voice scared the bejeezus out of you? And then you had to give her a kiss right near that hairy mole on her face? Well guess what. She’s been reborn as Augrah. Merry Christmas.

Fizzgig. He’s a little ball of fur and teeth that likes to scream at the top of his lungs. Once I get past the fact that he’s too small to have full-sized lungs, all I wanted to do was punt the critter across Thra. Maybe it would have been a more enjoyable sound if we could hear it fading into the distance.

Skeksis eating. I’m sorry, nobody needs to hear the sounds of large, wrinkled monsters chowing down on dinner without using utensils. Thankfully, we weren’t subjected to the deleted scene after the meal featuring the Skeksis in the bathroom.

Jen’s Flute. It’s actually quite lovely. But I just wanted him to break into "Stairway to Heaven." Is that too much to ask?

Those two fancy-dressed Skesis. Near the end of the movie, after they see Jen and Kira, they scream “GELFLINGS! GELFLINGS!” And it’s loud. And high-pitched. And completely unnecessary. And it makes me want to die a death more crumbly than the Emperor.

Honorable mentions: The Emperor turning to dust, Augrah’s face, the nekkid Chamberlain. These sights are so hideously ugly, they seems to speak louder than the above sounds. Yipes.

You may have noticed that I neglected to mention the Chamberlain’s incessant whimpering. Well, other than the fact that I would only be pointing out the obvious, maybe I like the Chamberlain’s voice. And maybe I dream at night about him saying “Yes! Please! Hmmmm! Please!” Right, and maybe I like having night terrors at the mere thought of the Chamberlain calling my cell phone.

Thanks for tuning in to our three-part series on The Dark Crystal. We hope you had as much fun reading it as we did breaking it down into little pieces and crushing them with a meat tenderizer. And then we set it on fire. Goodnight everybody!

Click here to plug your ears and discuss this article on the ToughPigs forum!

Labels: Creature Shop movies, review

This is the second in a three-part series of articles in which Tough Pigs contributors take a look at The Dark Crystal. The first installment can be found here.

Why, hello out there in TP-Land. My name is Michal. And I'm a Bad Muppet Fan.

Let me put that a little more elegantly. Until a few years ago, I had always considered myself to be a lover of Muppets - which, when I was little, meant watching the same eight episodes and two movies and listening to the same three records over and over and over again. Oh, and being able to answer the "I used to love those two old guys in the balcony! What were their names again?" question. In blissful ignorance of any realms beyond this basic Muppet diet, I quietly went about my childhood.

Then in 2002, I fell in with the ultra-informed, hyper-detail-oriented, fabulously geeky online Muppet fan community, and discovered that I had much to learn. "You haven't seen Emmet Otter?" "You haven't seen Christmas Eve on Sesame Street?" "You've never heard of Esskay Meats?"

No, no, and no. In a way, it made discovering some of these productions as an adult uniquely satisfying. Wrapping myself in a blanket two summers ago and cheering as I watched David Bowie dancing with goblins for the first time might not have given me the same fuzzy feeling, had this scene sent me running to hide under the covers in 1986.

So when Ryan suggested that we Brooklyn-dwelling Tough Pigs hold a viewing of The Dark Crystal and subsequently each write a review for the website - myself as a first-time viewer, and Ryan and Joe having not watched the flick in years - I agreed. Perhaps my innocence would serve as an advantage, inoculating me against the debilitating boredom I'd heard had turned off so many young Muppet fans during their first DC viewing.

And so we begin. I had hoped to witness The Dark Crystal’s famed intricate designs and stunning visuals within the first few minutes of the film, but judging by the barren landscape echoing every so often with dull thunder, it was not to be.

The narrator, by way of introduction, chats about death for awhile. His monotonous drone, as the scene switches over from the bland desert to the castle interior where a gaggle of wrinkly, uninviting Skeksis shoot lasers at each other with their eyes (which was pretty much all I could gather from the opening scenes until I re-watched the beginning) goes something like this:

"Long ago, there was some sort of land before time. Then somebody shattered a mirror, and two species emerged. Note this bunch’s harsh, twisted bodies, and their harsh, twisted souls, and also their gruesome, off-putting facial features. Their species is dying; their emperor lies dying; their land lies dying. Oh, and there are only ten of this other species, which is also dying. Their dying emperor is dying. Would you like to hear any more about death? Because I could go on for hours."

Thanks, narrator. You’ve adequately prepared me not to root for anyone in this movie, with the possible exception of Fizzgig and Podlings. Maybe Kira, depending on the day. But as long as folks over two feet tall are the ones kicking the bucket, I'm not really sure where the intrigue comes in. In his definitive work The Dark Crystal vs. Entertainment, Danny already covered the lack of dialogue in the first five minutes, but neglected to enumerate the dry mentions of death (seven).

The movie tries its best to pique my interest – to throw in little tidbits that would engage someone with a longer attention span than mine. We’ve got the Mystics lifting their weary heads to numbly chant for their savior, which leads those of us watching at home to break into “Twist and Shout.” To restore our interest, the scenes cut back to the Mystics every so often, doddering along towards the castle. At about a dozen yards an hour, no wonder they’re dying out. They can barely be bothered to turn their heads when one of them up and vanishes. Ho-hum, they seem to say, as they glance over and bumble on.

We see much more of the clannish Skeksis, shouting and whimpering and shouting that they hate each other’s whimpers, at times almost suggesting comic relief, but never quite getting there – what with their blind adherence to archaic rules and bellowing hearty slogans like “Death to Gelflings!” and “TRIAL BY STONE!” They also harbor at least a couple of mysteries, namely: how do such spindly creatures carry around so much paraphernalia? Does the “TRIAL BY STONE!” scene make anyone else think of The Emperor’s New Clothes? Why do we have to watch their emperor disintegrate, when the Mystic emperor had the decency to just dematerialize? Will I ever get the Chamberlain’s voice out of my head? Please, yes, pleeeease?

About a half an hour in, I’m relieved to see a swamp, an environment that I know the makers of this movie can capably handle. They follow through, too, throwing in lots of the unexpected tidbits that make The Dark Crystal so famously visually captivating and sending me into Johnny Hart mode: trees got legs! Cave got jaws! Rocks and reeds… er, sentient!

In fact, until we come back around to discussing the Prophecy and the Great Conjunction and Journeys and other things that ought to begin with Capital Letters, I find a number of elements to enjoy. We’ve got a peaceful boat shot, seen over bulrushes and set to lulling music. Even the Skeksis interjecting with their messy feast (dessert got legs!) makes them appear deliciously villainous as they gobble down roast Nebrie.

Then there’s the happenin’ Podling party, featuring drinkers and dancers and banjo players and a hyperactive little red-haired Podling girl interrupting conversations. The scene also features Jen attempting to speak Podling, which could have made for a cute little comedic moment to exploit. But nothing comes of it, and soon we’re back to Capital Letter Events.

Let’s discuss the hero, (as briefly as possible) before we wrap up. What do we know about Jen, other than the anomaly of his bizarre nomenclature? Actually, no. Let's address this whole gender business right now. As Danny has previously mentioned, the gender politics here are more than a little skewed.

Kira and Aughra are the enigmatic, almost-otherworldly-in-their-
affinity-with-nature, vaguely sympathetic horned/winged beings. The note I scribbled about Aughra as soon as she appeared, for all her oddly placed vocal emphases, was "At least she's got personality." (The one I scribbled when Kira glided off the cliff was "Girl got wings!")

Jen is a wimpy male specimen with a girl's name, raised by the leader of the Mystics and yet completely unaware of all things mystical (particularly the prophecy which everyone seems to agree pertains to him), except for that one time when he remembers something about having a bath.

As some astute devotees of the forum discussion following Ryan’s Dark Crystal post may already have noted, I postulate that Jen is, in fact, a Disney Princess. No one denies that Gelflings are soft-spoken and pretty – but not so pretty as to be sexually threatening, which would damage their marketability – and surrounded by fantastical beasts and scenery. Much of the adventure simply happens to Jen without any interference from him as he meanders about the set, waiting for inspiration to come to his rescue. Although his character has no distinguishing characteristics beyond general mousiness, someone sees fit to hand him an enchanted crystal shard and make us watch a movie about it. And at the end of the movie, Jen waves the shard around and hey presto! All the UrSkeks have changed into white gowns.

Every time my media-saturated brain has witnessed another bumbling antihero made great by circumstances forcing him to rise to the occasion, I've had a character to watch. Jen is pleasant enough to look at; the engineering behind his design makes the casual viewer scratch a head or two. But he doesn't grow from a coward or a pickpocket into a bold or cunning hero. He starts out wide-eyed, and he remains wide-eyed until the end of the movie. For a split second he sounds brave as he and Kira progress towards the castle, but only because Kira utters an uncharacteristic line about being inexplicably afraid. Even his mistake of bailing from Aughra’s lair without rescuing her doesn’t teach him any lessons; Aughra lives anyway, and so does Jen’s naïveté.

So, to sum up:

Visuals: mostly intriguing, except when the species is too hideous to be redeemed even by novel design.

Plot: I think it had something to do with draining the viewer’s living essence, à la Bette Midler in Hocus Pocus.

The two females: mostly acceptable to watch.

Males (everyone else): either a wussy flautist, or a grotesque, Skeletor-like mass with a potentially unbearably grating voice, or a ponderous, plodding brontosaur.

This Bad Muppet Fan awards The Dark Crystal a rating of half an UrSkek (but I won’t tell you which half, or out of how many.) If the sequel features more Podling parties or Fizzgig tantrums, though, I’m in.

Agree? Disagree? Nebrie undercooked? Click here to discuss this article on the Tough Pigs forum.

Labels: Creature Shop movies, review

This is the first in a three-part series of articles in which Tough Pigs contributors take a look at The Dark Crystal.

I first saw The Dark Crystal during what must have been its first network TV broadcast. I was already a Jim Henson fan, so I was inclined to be enchanted by whatever he had up his crazy creative sleeve. I was also a lot more easily impressed in those days. For example, my favorite show on TV at the time was a Scrubbing Bubbles commercial. Now here was this movie The Dark Crystal: it had cool-looking puppets, it was created by Jim Henson, and it included a character who could remove her eyeball. With this formidable combination, I assumed for years that it must be a great film.

On joining the online Henson fan community, however, I was surprised to discover that there were those who weren't crazy about it. Reading the criticisms of the movie (such as the ones in this classic article by Tough Pigs founder Danny Horn), I had to concede that it was deeply flawed, so I changed my official position. The Dark Crystal was, in fact, stinky.

It's now been years since I last saw the film, so I wanted to give it another look and make a definitive decision, as a mature, discriminating viewer, albeit one who owns some Bert underwear. So I sat down to screen the movie with fellow Muppet fan Michal (who had never seen it) and fellow Muppet fan Joe (who also hadn't seen it in years). We poured ourselves a nice, cold glass of Podling essence, and stuck the thing in the VCR.

The question at hand: Is The Dark Crystal a masterpiece or a crapsterpiece? To ensure I was viewing the movie in the right state of mind, I invited my seven-year-old self to watch it with us, so I could get his less jaded take on things.

The film's opening moments do not bode well. It begins with a static shot of the Skeksis' ugly castle, as a narrator drones on drearily to fill us in on what’s been happening for the last thousand years. It was an "age of wonder," he tells us, but all we see is a model of a decrepit old castle in serious need of an extreme makeover. This is followed by more narration over a shot of the Skeksis all standing around staring at the titular crystal. At this point, Seven-Year-Old Ryan is already getting restless. "How long is this movie?" he asks, adding, "Can we watch Thundercats after this?"

The Skeksis, by the way, are U-G-L-Y. Seriously, they ain't got no alibi -- they're ugly. But they're supposed to be horrible villains, so it works for them. On the other end of the spectrum, we have those long-haired elderly gentlemen, the Mystics, whom we first see as they raise their voices in a ceremonial chorus of nine-part harmony. For some reason, Seven-Year-Old Ryan thinks this is absolutely hilarious. He laughs uproariously, then tries to imitate their call, although he doesn't quite hit the same low notes, and ended up sounding more eunuch than Mystic.

Shortly after, we're introduced to Jen, the Last Surviving Gelfling and our hero, who is about to embark on a very important journey to heal the crystal. Jen is just a little fellow, the kind of protagonist one expects to watch going through a character arc from weakling to warrior, learning all about courage and his own purpose along the way. But guess what? None of that happens.

Actually, there’s really just one problem with Jen: He’s boring, and he never does anything, and I don’t care about him. Okay, that’s more than one thing, but throughout the movie, Jen just kind of sits there and let things happen around him. He's the most passive central character this side of Where's Waldo. We never really get to know him, except for some inner monologues, in which we hear Jen thinking, "What am I doing here? Where am I supposed to go? Should I have packed a toothbrush?" Take the scene in which Aughra’s observatory (which, by the way, is a really awesome set) is attacked by Garthim, a roving gang of big mean beetles. Jen does not fight them off or attempt to protect Aughra, he just escapes… by falling out a window. As much as I like defenestration, it did not serve to make me like the guy.

I should note, however, that Seven-Year-Old Ryan doesn't seem to mind. He likes Jen well enough, although I don't think he'd ever dress as him for Halloween. And Seven-Year-Old Ryan remarks that "Jen" is a girl's name, so he probably got made fun of as a kid. I don't point out to him that there were no other Gelflings around to bully Jen because they had all been slaughtered by monsters.

Then there's a scene set in a marshy forest, a forest full of fanciful flora, fantastic fauna, and imagination. Dang, I wish "imagination" started with an "f"... I had some really great alliteration going there. Anyway, I think this is my favorite sequence of the film, even though it has little to do with the story. It's a plethora of dreamed-up critters that exist simply to show off what the brand spanking new Creature Shop could do, and I love it. Seven-Year-Old Ryan digs it too. He especially likes "the part where the big monster guy eats the little guy."

The forest is also where Jen and we encounter the film's female lead. As a character, she doesn't fare much better than Jen. Kira, the other Last Surviving Gelfling, is more of a device than a character, what with her wings and her Dr. Doolittle-style animal chat skills, and her ability to hotwire a Landstrider. Seven-Year-Old Ryan, by the way, loves the Landstriders, and expresses a wish that they were real animals so he could see them at the zoo.

We watch as Kira takes Jen to a high-energy celebration at the village of her adoptive family, the Podlings. Ain’t no party like a Podling party, ‘cause a Podling party don’t stop! That is, until the Garthim destroy the village and enslave everyone. (Which really puts a damper on the whole party... no one's in the mood for Pin the Tail on the Nebri anymore) Seven-Year-Old Ryan finds the Podlings funny, and asks me to make sure everyone knows he wasn't scared during the Garthim attack.

Then a bunch of other stuff happens... I don't remember the sequence of events exactly, but it probably involves the Chamberlain Skeksis squealing and some characters talking about the Prophecy over and over again. There really oughtta be a Dark Crystal drinking game, and I'd be surprised if there's not one out there somewhere.

I should mention Aughra, the sassy old broad who gives Jen the shard he needs to heal the crystal. She has more personality in her free-range eyeball than Jen and Kira have in their entire elfin bodies, and I wouldn’t have minded seeing more of her.

And I have nothing bad to say about Kira’s pet fuzzball Fizzgig, who is clearly the R2-D2 of The Dark Crystal -- he’s a loyal companion to the main characters, the audience can’t understand what he says, and he jumps in at an important juncture to save the day. Fizzgig, a living Koosh ball, is also the most Muppetlike of the film’s characters, which is perhaps not unrelated to his being the most lovable. Seven-Year-Old Ryan is fascinated by Aughra, and likes Fizzgig, who reminds him of his friend Chad's dog, whose name is Crackers.

Meanwhile, some other boring stuff happens, and then Jen and Kira heal the crystal, la de da de da. The End, and everyone's happy. But here’s a question: At the end of the movie, when the Skeksis and Mytics are amalgamated to become the UrSkeks, the UrSkek spokesman reveals that they were the ones who broke the crystal in the first place. Why? What did they think was going to happen? Were they trying to make some money by selling crystal paperweights or earrings, or shard toothpicks? I realize that all we need to know at the start of the film is that the crystal done got broke, but on this viewing I kept wondering who thought slicing the crystal would be a good idea. And although it's great that the crystal is healed, what happens if someone accidentally chips or scrapes it? I suppose everyone's SOL for another 1000 years.

I once explained my position on The Dark Crystal by saying it would best be viewed with the dialogue removed, and after a careful re-viewing I stand by that. The musical score is great, the visuals are striking, the technical aspects are amazing, and I really have to hand it to Jim Henson, character designer Brian Froud, and their whole crew for making some seriously ugly puppets. When you create all your actors from scratch, it would be easy to make them all cute and licensable, but these creatures really look like… creatures.

Ultimately, though, that doesn’t make up for the shallow story and uninteresting characters. Seven-Year-Old Ryan, on the other hand, said the movie was really cool, although when I asked him whether he thought it was better than Labyrinth, he said no. When I asked him if it was better than the Jim Henson Company's fantasy fim Mirrormask, he reminded me that he's from 1988 and Mirrormask hasn't been made yet.

As for me, I'd have to rate the movie about a half-star higher today than I would have a week ago, but it’s still not A Good Movie. Have you ever read an old fairy tale from, like, 15^th century Europe? They’re full of magic and fantastic creatures and epic journeys, but the storytelling is simplistic, and by the end of the proceedings nobody has changed or learned anything. The Dark Crystal is like that. It’s a beautiful, ornate, hand-carved frame, but the painting inside is just a bunch of stick figures.

Say, that was a pretty good metaphor. I wonder if I just came up with that, or ripped it off from somewhere else?

In the end, Seven-Year-Old Ryan and Contemporary Ryan agree whole-heartedly on one thing: Aughra’s detachable eye is rad.

Click here to discuss this article on the Tough Pigs forum! And come back Wednesday to read another Tough Pigs contributor's take on The Dark Crystal!

Labels: Creature Shop movies, review