Disclaimer: This article is not exactly about Muppets. Actually, it's not about Muppets at all. But it is about Sesame Street, and it is very, very important.

If you’re a big fan of Sesame Street, like myself, or my fellow Tough Pigs, or President Barack Obama, you probably know that the human character Gordon has been played by three actors in the show’s history: Matt Robinson, who originated the role; Hal Miller, who only stuck around for two seasons; and Roscoe Orman, the best-known and most beloved Gordon. But what about this guy?



What about this guy?!

This is the actor who played Gordon in a 1969 test episode (available on the DVD release Sesame Street Old School Vol. 2), which was screened for kids before Sesame Street made its official TV debut so the producers could find out what worked and what didn’t. This guy, apparently, is what didn’t.

While his co-stars Loretta Long, Bob McGrath, and Will Lee were chosen for the privilege of saying the alphabet on television (in the roles of Susan, Bob, and Mr. Hooper, respectively), this guy didn’t make the cut. Maybe children didn’t like him, or maybe the producers didn’t like him, but either way, this Proto-Gordon was not destined to be part of the show. So before it had even started, his Sesame Street career was... what's the word I'm looking for?



Done. Right. It was done. So who was that guy? Here’s the shocking truth: Nobody knows. Muppet Wiki, the most comprehensive source of Sesame Street facts in human history, describes him as “an unidentified actor.” When Michael Davis wrote the Sesame Street history Street Gang, he interviewed tons of people involved with the show and was given access to thousands of pages of documents… and he didn't find out anything about the Proto-Gordon! In his book, Davis quotes Jon Stone as saying, "At the last moment we cast an actor with whom no one was completely happy..." Later, Davis describes him as "a person in the neighborhood that children would run away from, not to." And that's it for poor old Proto-Gordon.



Of course, if he had been credited, I wouldn't be nearly so curious about him. If Street Gang had said something like, "Gordon was played in the pilot by Franklin P. Funkytonsils, a struggling New York actor who never did anything else of note," I would be satisfied. But instead we have a mystery, and my inquiring mind will forever be churning until it's solved. So I’d like to take this opportunity to shout a question out into the vast expanse of the internet: Does anyone know who this guy is?

Seriously - if you know anything about this guy (or if you ARE this guy) please post on the Tough Pigs forum or drop me an e-mail. Is he still among the living? Did he continue acting, or did the rejection drive him to abandon his show-business dreams forever? Was he always bitter about not getting the job, watching from the outside as Sesame Street became one of the most important TV programs in history? Does he still watch the show today, and if so, which episode of Elmo’s World is his favorite? Perhaps there are no answers to these questions. Perhaps the identity of the Proto-Gordon will never be known to man (or woman, or grouch or monster or bird or etc.). But if he’s out there, I just want to say this to him: Nice dance moves, man.



Click here to help us solve the mystery of the Proto-Gordon on the Tough Pigs forum! And my thanks to Muppet Wiki for the nifty images!

Labels: controversy, old school, Sesame Street, Sesame Street humans

Labels: music, old school, Sesame Street

Over the past few days, Ryan Roe and I have been sharing some of our favorite obscure Sesame Street songs.

Today, let’s talk about Sesame Street albums. Back in the 70s and into the 80s, the fine people at Children’s Television Workshop released records with alarming frequency. While many of the songs came straight from the TV show, a very large number of them were recorded especially for the audio releases. Many of these albums (you can find a full list at Muppet Wiki) have been out of print for years, so they’re a perfect place to look for obscure songs. I’ll begin today with a few of my favorites:

I'm Square – 1983 (The Gang’s All Here!)

If you’re reading Tough Pigs, chances are high that you’re a big geek, or a big nerd, or even kind of square. Here, Bert celebrates his status as One of Us. He waxes sentimental for his love his boring things, getting more and more excited as the song goes on. Any adult Sesame Street fan can relate to Bert’s frustration at being ridiculed for having unusual interests. The only difference is that in Bert’s case his interests include Kleenex and “pigeons in the news”.

The song is packed with amusing lines, as Bert reels off one nerdy obsession after another. Frank Oz’s performance is typically excellent, of course. When Bert sings about cold mashed potatoes towards the beginning, you can feel the affection in his voice. But by the time he gets to argyle socks at the end, he almost sounds like he needs a cold shower. Again, all geeks probably sound like that sometimes, which only makes it funnier.

Come Along (1978 – On the Street Where We Live: Block Party!)

Yesterday Ryan highlighted “Soul Food”, a Gordon-sung tune from this same record, my no-doubt-about-pick for the best Sesame Street album of all-time. Every song on it is a gem, with great numbers for most of the human cast members, as well as both of Caroll Spinney’s Muppets. It starts out with this track, where Big Bird is impatiently waiting for the party to start. When no one wants to play with him, he does what comes naturally – starts singing about how beautiful a day it is.

In the song, he urges everyone to join him and “Sing a happy song”. They do, conveniently as soon as he gets to the line “Oh, what a lovely sound when we sing this song.” And it’s a lovely sound indeed. This is straight-forward, snark-free happy Big Bird at his finest. I can’t help but feel happier and more energetic just for having heard it. While re-listening to it for this article, in fact, I started pumping my fists in the air and then jogging laps around my apartment. I swear to you that’s the truth.

It also features a reference to John-John. How can you say no to that?

Upside Down, Inside Out (1978 – On the Street Where We Live: Block Party!)

As I mentioned, this album is full of great songs for the human cast members – Gordon, Maria, Susan, Olivia, and David all get memorable numbers. Best of all is this one, sung by Bob and The Kids. The beginning is as understated as can be, with Bob idly playing piano. One of The Kids asks him to play a song, and he does.

It’s a typically upbeat Bob song, and it’s all about how great You are. Yes, You. “You can turn my seams around, put my toes back on the ground, with just the love in your eyes” he says. And don’t think he doesn’t mean it. Would Bob lie to you? No, of course he wouldn’t. If you don’t believe me, listen to the song. Just once. You won’t doubt that you’re more important to Bob than anything else in the entire world.

Too Busy (1978 - Fair is Fair)

Here’s an example of how prevalent Sesame Street albums were in the 1970s – the very same year as Block Party!, CTW put out the also-terrific Fair is Fair. It has a lot of great Muppet songs on it, but its most memorable moment comes from, surprisingly, The Kids. Just one Kid takes the lead here – a boy named Jamie Aff – and he’s pretty far away from the likes of “Sing” or the theme song.

Instead, he’s talking about being ignored by his parents. He painted a picture at school today, it seems. But when he excitedly brought it home, his unspecified didn’t have time for him. It’s slightly unsettling to hear a Sesame Street song address parental neglect so head-on, but this was the 1970s, the era of the latchkey generation. In any case, the song is terrific. Young Mr. Aff really invests in the emotion of his character’s dilemma, and the refrain is relentlessly catchy. As for how the parent-child conflict is resolved – well, I’m not going to spoil it.

Cripple Creek – 1970s Sesame Street

This was never featured on an album, but I couldn’t leave it out of this list. Sung by Buffy (the human cast member who has sadly become mostly forgotten) and Fred the Wonder Horse, it’s an old-fashioned folk song about “going up to Cripple Creek to see my girl”. Buffy doesn’t change the gender-specific lines in the song, by the way. She mentions that she’ll “kiss her on the mouth” and that the girl will “wrap herself around me like a sweet-potato vine”. It’s slightly shocking to the modern listener.

That example of less-restrictive curriculum standards aside, the song is simply amazing. While singing, Buffy also plays a mouth-bow. This lends the song a unique, off-the-cuff vibe like nothing else ever heard on Sesame Street. Meanwhile, Buffy’s and Jerry Nelson’s voices blend together so perfectly that you’ll bemoan the fact that they never recorded a full album together. Say, that would have made an excellent addition to CTW’s release slate.

Well, that’s it for our twenty picks, but that isn’t all we have to say about obscure Sesame Street music. Click here for part five, where you’ll see Ryan and me together! At the same time!

Click here to kiss Tough Pigs Forum on the mouth.

Labels: music, old school, Sesame Street

This is the third installment in a five-part article about really great Sesame Street songs that are not as well-known as they should be. Part one is here, and part two (by Anthony Strand) is here. And now, more words about songs.

Soul Food
On the Street Where We Live: Block Party!, 1978

I've always loved the humans of Sesame Street nearly as much as the Muppets. I never owned a Bob doll or a Maria PEZ dispenser, but they've taught and entertained me for years, so the 1978 Block Party record is right up my alley: Big Bird and Oscar are present, but the spotlight is really on the less fuzzy residents on the street.

Of course, there's no Sesame Street character less fuzzy than Gordon, who offers this groovy, timbale-infused musical invitation to check out his food booth at the titular block party. When I hear the song, I can practically smell Gordon's dishes, including shrimp & rice, po' boys, birdseed ice cream, and enchiladas -- with meat AND cheese! "Everybody's got soul food/Would you like to buy some?" he asks, then warns "Don't say no till you try some!" Which, now that I think about it, kind of sounds like he's selling drugs, but I'm pretty sure he's not.

I would certainly get in line for some of Gordon's soul food... although I'm not sure I have any cash. Are there any ATMs on Sesame Street?

Count von Count's Continuous Country Cooking Downhome Diner
Sesame Country, 1981

As it turns out, Gordon's not the only skilled chef on Sesame Street. If, as this song says, you like home cooking, "try it Transylvanian style!" Everyone is welcome to "come inside and open wide" at the Count's restaurant, which is presumably the world's only Transylvanian-Southern fusion eatery.

The title of this track alone is fun to say, and the song is all banjos and fiddles. The Count's friends place their orders (by number, of course), although none of them sound especially "country"... Cookie Monster orders a cookie sandwich, while Ernie ultimately decides on cereal, but I'll assume those are authentic Nashville corn flakes. (Or perhaps authentic Romanian Rice Chex). Grover, meanwhile, orders "a number 5: the business monster's lunch," which is fairly adorable.

As far as I know, this is the only time the Count has ever done a country song, so that's pretty cool. I think this is also the only time we ever heard about the Count owning a restaurant, which makes sense... He probably got so caught up counting every single plate, glass, and utensil in the kitchen that he forgot to serve the food.

A Very Unhappy Birthday to You
For the First Time, 1982

This song should not be confused with Disney's "Very Merry Unbirthday" song from Alice in Wonderland, which does not mention chocolate pickle juice.

Oscar is at his best when he's at his worst. That contradiction defines the entire grouch culture that exists in Sesame Street's world: To a grouch, anything awful is wonderful. This song explains the goings-on at a grouch birthday party, and Oscar is beautifully nasty, wishing horrible things on the birthday boy or girl.

It's really rude to hope your friend gets a tummy ache from eating his cake, but for a grouch, anything nicer would be much more offensive. (Do you suppose grouches ever suffer from cognitive dissonance, what with all that "feeling good makes me feel bad, which makes me feel good" stuff?)

I didn't know about this song until recently, but I sure hope somebody sings it to me on my next birthday.

Get Along
late 80s/early 90s Sesame Street

Remember when I said I was impressed that Sesame Street composers can work in any style? Well, you might wonder, can they do a capella? And can they come up with an a capella song including parts for Twiddlebugs, Martians, and cows?

The answer, of course, is yes. Kermit takes the lead vocal on this toe-tappin', finger-snappin', yup-yup-yuppin' doo-woppy number, which carries the message that we can all get along if we just get together and sing. You know, they make it look so easy on Sesame Street, but when I try to start a sing-along on the subway or in Burger King nobody ever jumps in. Maybe I just need to move to a city with more Martians...

Best Friend Blues
late 80s Sesame Street

There are so many great Sesame Street characters that it's impossible for all of them to interact with each other. Which is why it's pretty exciting to see this Snuffy/Ernie team-up. Those guys are usually seen in the company of Big Bird and Bert, respectively, which just happens to be what the song is about.

As the song begins, Bert has just abandoned a kite-flying session and gone home after suddenly falling ill. (At least that's what he told Ernie. It's altogether possible he's faking it so he can watch his oatmeal soap operas or whatever without being disturbed.) Meanwhile, Big Bird has up and gone to Granny Bird's without notifying his big brown friend, leaving both Ernie and the snuffleupagus with an acute case of the titular blues.

Hoots the Owl contributes some fine sax-blowing as Ernie makes a medical breakthrough: the cure for the best friend blues! He reminds Snuffy "we're buddies too!", which doesn't quite seem accurate, as I've never seen them talk to each other before or since, but whatever. He then suggests that the two of them can play together -- they can play in his room, he says, though that sounds problematic given Snuffy's girth. I do like the idea of Bert in bed trying to sleep off his 24-hour flu, when suddenly Snuffy stomps in and knocks over all the furniture. That'll teach him to be sick!

This song makes me wish for more rare character pairings. What about a Mumford/Rosita song? Or a Grover/Stinky the Stinkweed duet? The possibilities are so many they could even keep the Count busy for a few days.

So there you go -- five more delightful but lesser-known Sesame Street songs. And believe it or not, there are still more, five of which Anthony will tell you about in part four, which you can find right here. Oh, boy! You can hardly wait!

Click here to talk about groovy Sesame tunes on the Tough Pigs forum!

Labels: music, old school, Sesame Street

Yesterday, our own Ryan offered a look at five obscure Sesame Street songs. Now it’s my turn. But today, I won’t just list any five songs – I’ve got a theme!

You see, one of the things I love most about Sesame Street is the way the universe it takes place in is so fully realized – it’s a world where two people can have an entire conversation about sharing or healthy food or the number six, and the audience not only doesn’t question it, they revel in it. How much more exciting is it, then, when the characters are singing instead of talking? Today’s five songs are all examples of the popular music you can only find on the Street.

With Every Beat of my Heart – 1970s Sesame Street

Little Jerry and the Monotones are probably best known for their string of hits about emotions, including “Mad,” “Sad,” and “Proud. But they were a staple of Sesame Street Top 40 for years, reaching their creative peak here, with a doo-wop song that somehow manages to be both a heartfelt love letter to a girl and an educational lesson on the circulatory system.

The tone is set right away, when Little Jerry proclaims “You know your heart beats pumping blood to all the parts of your body. I know that my heart beats too, and that my heart is beating FOR YOU!” The Monotones join in, harmonizing on “Boom-thump/Feel my heart ju-u-ump!” The next two minutes are sheer exhilaration. If your heart doesn’t jump just a little bit, it’s possible that you don’t have one.

A final note: “With Every Beat of my Heart” might sound familiar – writer Jeff Moss reused much of it when he wrote “Gonna Always Love You” for The Muppets Take Manhattan a few years later.

Rock and Roll Readers – 1990s Sesame Street

Little Jerry’s primary competition, Little Chrissy and the Alphabeats, shoot back with a song all about the rock star lifestyle on Sesame Street – rather than sex and drugs, it’s full of books. “Sure it’s lots of fun to be a rock and roll star, but being a rock and roll reader is better by far,” screams Little Chrissy. It says a lot about how things work on Sesame Street – education is all around, and everyone spends all of their time learning, even popular musicians. Looking beyond what it means, though, it’s just a catchy, Jerry Lee Lewis-style tune that you can dance to. And that’s what really matters.

Bert’s Blanket – 1980s Sesame Street

With Ernie staying over at the Count’s, Bert looks forward to a good night’s sleep. He lives on Sesame Street, though, so he doesn’t get to sleep at all – he both gives and gets an education. He and a herd of sheep (led by Jerry Nelson) explain how blankets are made, and they do it in a Shangri-Las-esque fashion. The sheep sing about being sheared, and Bert takes over to explain how wool is spun into thread and finally woven into a blanket. The reason the song works, though, is that the beautiful, almost haunting melody is accompanied by terrific harmonization – some sections have several sheep all taking different parts. It’s staggeringly lovely. Yes, I just called a song about how blankets are made “staggeringly lovely.” I won’t take it back.

In the Doghouse – 1970s Sesame Street

Roosevelt Franklin is apparently a child himself, but he was the teacher at Roosevelt Franklin Elementary back in the 1970s. Here, he gives his students a lesson in respecting the property of others through a parable about two small dogs taking a bone that belongs to a much larger dog. The style of the song is remarkably loose and experimental – it really sounds like a classroom full of students just singing.

What it doesn’t sound like, however, is anything else ever heard on Sesame Street. Without paying attention to the lyrics, it’d be easy to mistake it for an underground soul recording – the students clap, chant, and lay down beats like there’s no tomorrow. When you realize it’s a song about not taking things that aren’t yours, it will blow your mind. On Sesame Street, it’s possible for learning to sound like anything at all, not just mainstream pop music.

Rain Falls – 1970s Sesame Street

Finally, this could have been an adult contemporary hit, if it weren’t about two fellows explaining why they love rain. The first is Oscar the Grouch, and the second is Bob. Oscar, of course, loves to see “trucks roll by splashing mud on everyone”, while Bob praises it for “helping flowers start to grow,” to cite two examples. It’s a great character study – a person who has never encountered either character will know exactly who they are by the end of the song – but it’s also a solid lesson in what rain does.

I went out of my way to bring up the educational content of all these songs, obviously, but that’s because it’s easy to miss if you happen to be an adult. Like so many of the great Sesame Street songs, they play just like any other well-crafted piece of music. In the end, I think that’s the most impressive thing about these songs – adults can not only appreciate them, but actively enjoy them.

If you thought this was a bunch of hogwash, click here for part three and five more choices from Ryan. I’ll be back on Thursday with five more. See you then.

Click here to share your love of Roosevelt Franklin on the Tough Pigs Forum.

Labels: music, old school, Sesame Street

You know what I love? Sesame Street music. In the show's four decades of existence it's covered pretty much every genre -- pop, rap, opera. Heck, Menudo even made an appearance sometime during the Reagan years. I don't know the exact figure, but what with over four thousand episodes plus two movies, numerous specials and countless albums, I'd estimate the total number of original Sesame Street songs at about fifty million.

Songs like "C Is for Cookie," "Rubber Duckie" and "Sing" are American classics -- and we're sick of them. Which is why my pal and fellow Muppet fan, Tough Pigs' own Anthony, and I are going to write this week about our favorite lesser-known Sesame Street songs. It seems like every time I hear an old Sesame LP or watch a special I've never seen before, I discover at least one amazing song that I never knew existed.

So I'm going to tell you about a few today, then Anthony will tell you about a few tomorrow, I'll be back on Wednesday, Anthony will be back on Thursday, and the two of us will wrap it up on Friday. Got that? Here we go.

Oh-- one more thing. You may notice that while we're telling you how great these songs are, we're not actually presenting the tracks themselves here for your listening enjoyment. That's because they're all owned by the Sesame people, and we ain't the Sesame people. However, I may or may not have heard rumors that it may or may not be possible for you to hear and see these songs by doing some searching around the internet. And that's all I'll say about that.

Write It Down
1980s Sesame Street

As far as I know, this is the only time Sesame Street has covered the topic of "You should write things down if you want to remember them later," which makes sense, as I can't imagine it's a major issue for preschoolers. But the highlight of this number isn't the rarity of the subject matter, it's the style: "Write It Down" is a rap.

Maria, the illest rhyme-buster on the street, sets things up for us, then we learn more about writing things down from Luis (who writes plays and stories) and David (who documents his grocery orders "from all over town" -- apparently Hooper's clientele reaches far beyond Sesame Street). But Forgetful Jones steals the show, despite having no idea where he is. "Write It Down" is an incredibly catchy old-school rap, and proves that Sesame Street is just as dope as it is educational.

Comb Your Face
1980s Sesame Street

I guess this first appeared on Sesame Street in the 80s, but I just discovered it a few years ago on Play With Me Sesame. It's sung by Furline Huskie, a monster performed by Richard Hunt, a Muppeteer with more energy than a 6-year-old after three bowls of Count Chocula. The monster's about to go out (perhaps on a hot monster date), and before leaving the house he shows us his grooming routine and invites us to join in.

It's only a minute and 20 seconds long, but it really does make fur management seem like the most fun you can have. I can only imagine how many children watching at home ended up bruised and mangled as a result of following Furline's instructions and vigorously combing their own faces, waists, and tummies.

Sing in the Shower
1980s Sesame Street

Speaking of good hygiene, here's a song about proper bathing habits -- a worthwhile topic considering the fact that 78% of children smell funny.

Hey, remember Olivia? That lady sure had a set of pipes, and she's in better voice than ever as she sings in the shower about singing in the shower. How meta!

But she's not the only one who la-las as she lathers: Verse 2 finds Big Bird singing in the birdbath. Whereas Olivia was tastefully filmed from the shoulders up as she showered, Big Bird is seen fully nude. Meanwhile, Ernie sings in his bathtub and Oscar sings in his mudbath. Which explains why Oscar has such great skin.

This song, much like "Comb Your Face" and "Write It Down," makes a mundane task seem fun and does it with gusto. I sing this song at the top of my lungs every time I shower.

Counting the Days
Merry Christmas From Sesame Street, 1975

There's one thing Big Bird doesn't like about Christmas, and it's not the crass, exploitative commercialism. Rather, as he explains on this track from Merry Christmas From Sesame Street, it's the mere act of waiting for December 25 to arrive! Big Bird's frustration makes for an amazing 1950s-style rock 'n' roll number, complete with falsetto singing that makes my voice crack when I try to sing along.

Once again I'm amazed at the apparent ease with which the Sesame Street songwriters compose a song that sounds like it could have been a hit single... and if Ernie's verse about helping Rubber Duckie write a letter to Santa doesn't cause your spine to melt from cuteness, you are a heartless beast and I want nothing to do with you.

Shapes in My Room
1990s Sesame Street

Telly is by far the most underrated Sesame Street Muppet. I mean, the dude can't catch a break. He's been a major Sesame regular for decades now, but he always gets ignored when it comes to merchandise, and no kid ever names him as his or her favorite character. Telly is the middle child of the Sesame Street Muppets.

But with "Shapes in My Room," Telly proves his worth, buoyantly taking us through his daily routine of scrutinizing every object in his bedroom and identifying what shape it is. I guess this song came before the writers gave Telly his bizarre triangle obsession, but still, this fella really loves his shapes. His energy is infectious, as is his scatting prowess. ("Dooby dooby doo-WAH, ba-doo-WAH, ba-doo-wah!")

I really don't know how I'd classify the song itself... it has some jazzy horns, but it's not really jazz; it has some wicked electric guitar, but it's not quite rock. I've never seen another Telly solo this impressive, but that's okay... the shape of this song is AWESOME.

And those are five of the best lesser-known Sesame Street songs. Click here for part two, in which Anthony will tell you about five more!

Click here to talk about excellent songs on the Tough Pigs forum!

Labels: music, old school, Sesame Street

O, what chaos hath New York Times writer Virginia Heffernan wrought?

If you own the Sesame Street Old School DVDs (volume 1 was released last year, volume 2 earlier this month), you've seen that they include a brief disclaimer: “These early Sesame Street episodes are intended for grown-ups, and may not suit the needs of today’s preschool child.” That's it... just a brief note delivered by a cartoon character before the first episode on each set. Last week Heffernan wrote a clever, light-hearted article about this in the New York Times Magazine, asking with tongue-in-cheek indignation what could possibly be so wrong with the episodes that brought up a generation.

Since then, the internet has taken notice of the article, and if there's one thing internet people are great at, it's overreacting. Entertainment websites and the blog world are now abuzz with former Sesame viewers in their late 20s through early 40s expressing the shock, dismay and outrage caused by their misinterpretation of the Sesame Workshop's cautionary notice. People, basically, are freaking out. Fox News even ran an incredulous, uninformed piece about it.

How do we, as Sesame Street fans who know better, talk some sense into these people? Well, picture the following scenario. BINKY and BUNKY are your coworkers, or your fellow partygoers, or on a bus with you, and they're former Sesame viewers who have just heard the story. As our scene begins, they're chatting just before you happen to come along...

BINKY: Hey, you know that show Sesame Street?

BUNKY: Yeah! I loved watching Sesame Street back in the 1970s when I was a kid!

BINKY: Me too! I also enjoyed watching that television show in the 1970s. So, I just read on some random blog somewhere that the old Sesame Street is on DVD now, but it comes with a warning that you should never let your kids see it because it's inappropriate!

BUNKY: No!

BINKY: Yes!

BUNKY: No!

BINKY: Yes!

BUNKY: NO!

BINKY: YES! They said it's because Cookie Monster used to hold a pipe sometimes!

BUNKY: Is that all? That's nothing! We saw Cookie Monster with a pipe and we turned out just fine!

BINKY: I know! If you ask me, everyone on Sesame Street could smoke a pipe, and it wouldn't be that big a deal.

BUNKY: Yeah, it's not like the kids at home are going to start smoking right there in front of the TV!

BINKY: They also said it was politically incorrect that Ernie and Bert's apartment was dirty!

BUNKY: I have no idea what that means or why it would be a reason not to let little kids watch, but I'll take your word for it because you read it in some random blog! And I'm indignant!

BINKY: You're telling me! Oh, and the same thing I read said that if the show started today, they wouldn't be allowed to have Oscar the Grouch!

BUNKY: A world without Oscar?! O, horror of all horrors! How dare they say such a thing?!

BINKY: I know! Why, I can remember watching Sesame Street while sitting on the floor with my favorite teddy bear. My grandmother gave me that teddy bear! Are they trying to say that my grandmother is inappropriate for today's children?!!

BUNKY: Those scoundrels! Sesame Street is way too politically correct now!

BINKY: It's all Elmo's fault, somehow.

BUNKY: You're right, of course! Ever since they let him come in and take over the show, and start starring in and writing and directing every episode, the show has been ruined!

BINKY: Yes! Elmo destroyed everything! And then they changed Cookie Monster's name to "Raw Organic Asparagus Monster!"

BUNKY: Oh, yeah. I heard about that from my cousin Melvin, who read it on the internet... so it must be true!

BINKY: What's next? I bet they'll turn the Count into a pink, fuzzy kitten because vampires are too scary!

BUNKY: I bet they will! Outrage!

BINKY: And then they'll get rid of Big Bird, just because he runs around naked all the time!

BUNKY: Today's children are growing up so deprived because their television experience is not exactly identical to ours! This is a subject worthy of getting furious over!

BINKY: Grr!

BUNKY: My entire childhood has just been invalidated! Grr!

(At this point, YOU, the Rational,Grown-Up Sesame Fan, enter the scene.)

YOU: Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear...

BINKY: Who are you?

YOU: I'm a rational grown-up Sesame Street fan.

BUNKY: You don't say.

YOU: Sure I do.

BUNKY: Far out.

YOU: So, it sounds like you've got your Christmas lights in a tangle, so to speak, over the disclaimer on the Old School DVDs. Tell me, have you actually seen these DVDs?

BINKY: Well, no. But I watched the show when I was a kid, and I --

YOU: And you turned out just fine, I know. I can tell just by looking at you. But did you know that Sesame Workshop, the producer of Sesame Street, constantly does research and testing to determine how to make the best possible show that will simultaneously educate and entertain children?

BUNKY: Um...

YOU: Well, they do. Now, do you think a toddler in the year 2007 is exactly the same as a toddler in the year 1974?

BUNKY: I guess not.

YOU: So isn't it possible that the type of show that can most effectively teach a child while also holding his or her interest in the year 2007 is different from the type of show that accomplished the same feat in 1974?

BUNKY: Huh. I guess so. But my friend sent me a link to a blog by some guy who saw a report about it on Fox News, and he said --

YOU: It may be true that seeing Cookie Monster as Alistair Cookie holding a pipe didn't persuade you to become a smoker. It may also be true that you didn't suffer lead poisoning from playing on playground equipment containing lead paint. Does that mean you want your children to play with lead paint?

BINKY: Gosh, Mr. or Ms. YOU. I never thought about it that way.

YOU: Anyway, here's the important part: The disclaimer doesn't say, "Do not under any circumstances let kids see this stuff because it's bad for them." It just says it "may not suit the needs of today's pre-school children." Now, if you had watched these DVDs, you'd know that the first episode includes a slow-moving, seven-minute segment on milking cows with droning, repetitious narration. Does that sound like the kind of thing today's kids would sit still for?

BINKY: Um... yes?

YOU: Really?

BINKY: No.

YOU: No. There's also a film sequence about unsupervised children playing in a construction site. We could debate whether or not watching that is damaging to kids, but can you blame Sesame Workshop for covering themselves by putting a disclaimer in front of something like that?

BUNKY: Hey, I milked a cow once!

YOU: By the way, since I have your attention, when you complain about today's Sesame Street... have it you seen it lately?

BINKY: Is this a trick question?

YOU: If you were to watch it, you would see that Cookie Monster is still gorging on cookies. Just about every day, in fact, when he and Prairie Dawn do the Letter of the Day segment.

BUNKY: Is Prairie Dawn the same one as Betty Lou?

YOU: Besides, Cookie Monster has been eating healthy foods in addition to cookies for decades. In Old School volume 2, there's a sketch from the mid-70s in which he gets excited about eating lettuce leaves.

BINKY: Get outta town!

YOU: I will not. The Count is still around too, and so are all your other favorite characters.

BINKY: Like Sam the Robot?!

YOU: ...almost all your other favorite characters.

BINKY: So what you're saying is, we shouldn't get all worked up over a few words at the beginning of one disc of a three-disc DVD set whose only purpose is to point out that there's a difference between the 1970s and the 2000s?

YOU: Right.

BINKY: And that just because the stuff we have fond memories of might not be the same stuff that's the best way for today's kids to have fun learning doesn't mean our fond memories are any less valid?

YOU: Right.

BUNKY: And that the counting cartoon with the pinball machine and the "onetwothree FOUR FIVE sixseveneight NINE TEN eleven twelve" song is awesome?

YOU: Well, I hadn't said that, but yes, that's correct.

BINKY: Oh, wise Rational Grown-up Sesame Fan, you've certainly helped me to see things differently.

BUNKY: I'll say! I'm going to stop complaining about Sesame Street DVDs and concern myself with something far more important... like complaining about who won this year's Dancing with the Stars!

YOU: That's the spirit...

BINKY: What's more, I think we should run out and buy many, many copies of the Sesame Street Old School DVDs and distribute them to all our friends so everyone can see that this really isn't a big deal.

YOU: Now you're talkin'!

BINKY: And we should take this Rational Grown-up Sesame Fan out for ice cream, right now!

YOU: Sounds good to me. On the way over I'll explain why it's not necessary for you to hate and fear Elmo.

BUNKY: I can't wait!

CURTAIN.

So there you go. Make these points, and I guarantee your discussions will turn out just like this one, every time. Good luck, and try not to get an ice cream headache.

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Labels: controversy, DVD, old school, Sesame Street

Ah, Sesame Street. My earliest Muppet memories are of watching you while I sit in my diapers, eating Cheerios by hand, visions of sugarplums in my head. And with the new Old School DVD sets, I can revert back to my child-like ways, if only through the magic of television.

Through Old School, we get to see all of our favorite characters. Like Bert and Ernie. And Mr. Snuffleupagus. And Herry Monster, and Grover Monster, and Oscar-who-is-not-a-Monster. Even Headline Howie is in there somewhere. And let’s not forget everyone’s most favorite character, the folder icon.

Wait, what?

Well, faith and begorah, there’s a folder icon on this DVD set! This must be some sort of terrible, terrible mistake made by some designer in the bowels of the Sesame Workshop design department. But when, I ask, when has Sesame Workshop ever made a mistake before? Identifying it as a mistake must have been some sort of terrible, terrible mistake.

There must be an explanation for this!

Perhaps the fine folks at Sesame Workshop have caught wind of the critically acclaimed Niche Muppet project here at ToughPigs.com and decided to create a brand new character to cater toward kids who love Apple computers. Yes, that must be it. That’s Mac, the Apple Folder, who beguiles kids by Photoshopping their faces onto different shapes, and criticizes Bert for being a PC user.

But why would a new character be on a vintage DVD set? No, this explanation is no good. Maybe the folder is the letter of the day! Yes of course, the letter of the day! Maybe PBS has upped the order of annual Sesame Street episodes to 27, and to fill the extra slot, the letter of the day is replaced by a folder. A folder that can contain any letter imaginable. For example, the letter O for “Oops.” Or the letter M for “My bad.” Or the letter W for “Why is this folder here?”

OK, so maybe the letter-of-the-day concept is too complex for a two-year-old. Hey, it looks like the folder might be attached to that mailbox. Perhaps that’s the new icon for the United States Postal Service. Or maybe Sherlock Hemlock lives in that little mailbox and he put it up there so people know that the world’s greatest detective lives inside.

Maybe Rodeo Rosie is behind that icon, and the Sesame Workshop executives want us to forget she ever existed, so they blocked her with a folder.

Or maybe you can see a puppeteer’s arm under there, and when someone asked the designer to Photoshop over it, he misunderstood and entered the Photoshop folder into the image.

Or maybe that’s where they’re storing Old School: Volume 3, safely hidden away in a 2-dimensional image.

Or maybe that’s one of Cookie Monster’s hiding places for his cookies. You know he’s got to have them stored all over Sesame Street, just in case the urge hits.

Or maybe the folder is Mr. Snuffleupagus’ imaginary friend. Notice how Snuffy is staring at it while nobody else can see it?

Or maybe it’s just a mistake. And Sesame Street has taught us, everyone makes them.

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Labels: DVD, old school, Sesame Street

The new DVD Sesame Street Old School: Volume 2 was released last Tuesday, November 6. Do you have it yet? Well, you should, because it's groovy.

The set picks up where Volume 1 left off, covering 1974 to 1979, so if you were a kid watching the show during those years you'll be bathed in warm, soothing nostalgia. If you weren't born yet during those years, you'll get to see what the show looked like when Susan had an Afro. And if you were the president of the United States during those years, you're either Jimmy Carter or the late Gerald Ford, in which case you probably didn't have much time to watch children's television, so here's your chance to catch up.

There are a lot of great Muppet sketches here... By this time, the familiar characters were established, and Jim Henson, Frank Oz, Jerry Nelson and Richard Hunt were really at the top of their game. In these three discs we get stuff like Cookie Monster exasperating a librarian, Grover and Biff inventing the wheel, and Kermit helping Don Music write his latest hit song "Yankee Doodle." Oh, and I know this one's not Muppets, but there's also Maria smashing pies in the faces of Bob, Luis and David.

A few years ago, I would have thought it very unlikely that we'd ever see a Sesame Street DVD release aimed at the grown-up nostalgia market, but between the two Old School releases we now we have a total of ten full episodes from the early years available. I don't know about you, but I'm already looking forward to Volume 3.

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Labels: DVD, old school, Sesame Street

First of all, there is no regard given to continuity. The show’s main set now has a tire swing, which is not only dangerous for children but also makes no sense. There’s no reason a tire swing would be added to this neighborhood. Still, if that were the only change, I’d probably be okay with it. But Oscar the Grouch, once a disgusting shade of orange, is now a visually pleasing green. As far as I can tell, this serves no purpose but to undermine his grumpy character. Even worse, the Muppet Ernie now wears a striped shirt. Last season, he was simply naked. I can only imagine this was done to discourage rumors that he and roommate Bert are meant to represent a homo-sexual couple.

I’m probably paying too much attention to the established characters anyway, as it looks like the show will be ignoring them in favor of a bevy of new ones. In particular, two new monster characters named Grover and The Cookie Monster are pushed heavily in the season premiere. Grover, a strange blue monster with oddly-placed eyes, appears in two sketches. The Cookie Monster appears in a whopping four. They even have one song together! It's clear these fuzzy new characters are nothing but crass attempts to sell more toys. The producers are foolish if they expect me to care about these abominations. The fact is I never will, and neither will anyone else.

A third new monster, the hideous Herry, is performed by a puppeteer named Jerry Nelson. That’s right – last year’s team of three Muppet performers (Jim Henson, Frank Oz and Caroll Spinney) has been expanded. I haven’t seen enough of this Nelson fellow to judge, but I can pretty much guarantee he’ll never match up to the seasoned veterans. Still, he’ll probably get a bunch of toy-selling characters of his own before too long. The focus on these dull new Muppets will certainly lead to less emphasis on old favorites such as Big Bird, Mr. Hooper, and Buddy & Jim.

Speaking of Buddy & Jim, it looks like they have been replaced by a married couple named Larry & Phyllis. Buddy & Jim, with their hilarious Abbott-&-Costello-style antics, were my favorite part of the show last year. This new pair simply sit on the couch and act like rather unintelligent children. If this is the type of Sesame Street sketch future generations of children will grow up to imitate, I want no part of it.

Larry is played by Alan Arkin, the star of Inspector Clouseau. This leads me to another way in which Sesame Street is ignoring its original goals– a ridiculous number of guest stars. In this premiere alone, we see Carol Burnett, Bill Cosby, Laugh-In’s Arte Johnson, and the entire cast of Bonanza. The show used to be focused on teaching kids and developing lovable characters of its own. Now it seems to be more concerned with showing off how fashionable it is among TV stars. It saddens me to see the show selling out in this way.

Another way the season premiere lowers the standards of the show is by resorting to tired references to popular culture. We got a bizarre detective character named Sherlock Hemlock, played by this upstart Nelson, who seems to be replacing Bert as Ernie’s new comedy partner. I have to wonder what crimes poor Arthur Conan Doyle ever committed to deserve this shoddy "tribute"?

Then we got a simply awful game show “parody” called “What’s my Part?” in which a panel with names such as “Arlene Frantic” and “Bennett Snerf” tried to guess the identity of a body part. Kids who see this will simply be confused, especially since the panel also includes another gratuitous appearance by The Cookie Monster. Worst of all, the host was a bland humanoid Muppet named Guy Smiley, performed by Jim Henson. If that name is supposed to be a pun, it isn't funny. And if the show keeps wasting Henson’s time with nonsense like this, I doubt he’ll ever have the time to play Kermit the Frog again.

Despite all of these distractions, the show has also decided to expand its curriculum. Last year, we were only taught to count to 10. This year the show is attempting to take us all the way to 20. This is a mistake, of course, because kids who have their brains stuffed full of Bill Cosby, tire swings and the Cookie Monster probably won’t be able to count to two, let alone twenty. If the show continues to go down this terrible new path, I can only predict that it will be cancelled before too long.
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Labels: DVD, old school, review, Sesame Street