ToughPigs

Christmas is rapidly approaching, and that can only mean one thing: It's time to blow the dust off your copy of The Muppet Christmas Carol and sit down to enjoy a lovely adaptation of a classic work of literature, presented exactly the way author Charles Dickens envisioned it. Christmas Carol is a warm, funny, pleasant film with a lot to recommend it, but there is one major problem with it, and that problem is called "When Love Is Gone."

There's a scientific theory that states that every musical has to have one Boring Song. The Boring Song is a slow number, usually about some dull subject like love, during which the kids in the audience start fidgeting and the grown-ups' attention starts drifting to more interesting thoughts, like 5.99% fixed APR financing. In Guys and Dolls, it's "I've Never Been in Love Before," in the film version of Grease it's "Hopelessly Devoted to You," and so on, and in Christmas Carol it most definitely is "When Love Is Gone." The whole movie grinds to a screeching halt as Belle, a character we don't know very well, stares into space and sings about how she and Scrooge used to be in love but now they're not and boo hoo hoo. Oh, and there are no Muppets onscreen for the duration of the song, which lasts about 4 minutes.*

But hey, the good news is, you don't have to sit through it. With that in mind, I hereby present 27 Things to Do During "When Love Is Gone."

-Make two two-minute eggs.

-See if you can drink hot chocolate through your nose.

-Build a snowman in your living room.

-Draw on your TV screen so it looks like Belle has a goatee and antlers.

-Pick your nose.

-Darn your socks.

-Learn to juggle.

-Stand on your head and say, "Belle! Whut in tarnation are you doin' hangin' from the ceiling?"

-Balance your checkbook.

-Balance your checkbook on your nose.

-Try to name all the Muppet Show guest stars in alphabetical order by middle name.

-Grow a moustache.

-Flip through your copy of the original Charles Dickens Christmas Carol until you find the page where Bob Cratchit goes ice-skating with penguins.

-Give yourself a tattoo of Michael Caine.

-Catch up on the Tough Pigs forum.

-Read the "linoleum" article on MW.

-Browse the IMDb message board for Muppet Christmas Carol, which includes this thought-provoking inquiry: "You know how in the original story of A Christmas Carol, there is only the ghost of Jacob Marley and he doesn't have a brother? Obviously, they altered this for the movie in order to have Statler and Waldorf in the role. What I just noticed is the name that they give the new character... Robert Marley, which was also the full name of singer Bob Marley. I wonder if it's just a coincidence or if the filmmakers did it on purpose?"

-Leave your own review on IMBb, in which you explore the deep socio-political metaphors inherent in the "light the lamp, not the rat!" scene.

-Practice your moose call.

-Mentor a child.

-Mentor a moose.

-Read the back of the DVD case out loud in the manner of a lucha libre wrestling announcer.

-Put some hydrogen peroxide on that before it gets infected.

-Mute the TV and make up dirty lyrics to the song, and sing them in a piercing falsetto (if you can't do piercing falsetto, try a Mortimer Snerd voice.

-Go to eBay and place a $538 bid on this "UGLY Christmas sweater small w/REAL JINGLE BELLS"

-Clean the octopus tank. (Applies to octopus owners only.)

-Read Danny and Kynan's My Week with The Muppet Christmas Carol article from a few years back.

-Have a contest with your friends: As the scene goes on, bellow the word "BOOO-RING!" and see who can go the loudest and draw it out the longest. The winner gets to sing a duet with Michael Caine.

There you have it. Try any of these suggestions, or ALL of them, and the song will be over before you know it. Merry Christmas!

*It's interesting to note that, as it's explained on Muppet Wiki, the song was cut for the American theatrical release of the film. It was later restored for home video. Why? Only Brian Henson and the Ghost of Christmas Past can say.

Click here to discuss this article on the Tough Pigs forum!

ToughPigsRyan@yahoo.com

Labels: christmas, lists, Muppet movies

The second season of The Muppet Show has now officially been out on the market for about two weeks. And if you're a decent sort of Muppet fan, you'll have already watched it several times, nitpicked it to death, and cried over all of the scenes with Miss Mousey.

But if you haven't watched the second season yet, you are in luck. I have gone through the trouble of picking out the very best scenes from every episode and prepared them in an easy-to-read format for your enjoyment.

So without further ado-doo-do-do-doo, here are 24 spectacular scenes and riveting reasons to watch The Muppet Show: Season Two.

Episode 1 - Don Knotts

The many faces of Don Knotts!

Episode 2 - Zero Mostel

There is nothing in the world more satisfying than Zero Mostel trying to murder Sam the Eagle with a hammer. Except maybe when he points his gun at Sam, then points it into his own mouth when Sam turns around, while Sam hardly flinches.

Episode 3 - Milton Berle

MAKEUP!

Episode 4 - Rich Little

It's comforting to know that world-famous impersonator Rich Little crashes and burns when he attempts to do the voices of Fozzie, Kermit and Piggy.

It's more comforting to know that Mark Hamill can do a better job at it.

Episode 5 - Judy Collins

Judy Collins' strung-out performance. Note her muffled bewilderment at Crazy Harry's explosion and the sincerity with which she sings a ballad in front of three incredibly creepy clowns.

Episode 6 - Nancy Walker

The biting honesty when Nancy Walker admits to Fozzie that the show is a flop, right after picking up his spirits with a jaunty song. It's like I'm watching an episode of "Rhoda"!

Episode 7 - Edgar Bergen

Charlie McCarthy does nothing but insult the Muppets in any way he can muster, only to be asked to join their motley clan. And how does he thank them? More insults! Thanks, you wooden jackass.

Episode 8 - Steve Martin

Richard Hunt's laugh. Go ahead, try not to think about it. You can't.

Episode 9 - Madeline Kahn

Because Madeline Kahn was once the sexiest, most talented women in entertainment.

Episode 10 - George Burns

Didn't want to dooo ittt...

Episode 11 - Dom DeLuise

Because where else will you find a sci-fi Dom DeLuise playing whack-a-mole with Merdlidops? Other than that one episode of "Studio 60", I mean.

Episode 12 - Bernadette Peters

Because all you really need is for Gloat, Miss Mousey, and Droop to believe in you.

Episode 13 - Rudolph Nureyev

Because Sam the Eagle spends a half hour convincing the Muppets to wear tuxedos, only to feel insulted when Rudolph Nureyev wears one.

Episode 14 - Elton John

Two words: shag carpet.

Episode 15 - Lou Rawls

Because no other show has a blurry Lou Rawls as a guest star.

Episode 16 - Cleo Laine

Because you can pinpoint the exact moment when Cleo Laine's career ended. Here's a two-word hint: Bruce Schwartz.

*EDITED to say that according to ToughPigs contributor David, despite Bruce Schwartz's best efforts, Cleo Laine's career apparently is alive and well. You can read all about it here.

Episode 17 - Julie Andrews

Because Julie Andrews owns a cow.

Episode 18 - Jaye P. Morgan

Because at one point, Jaye P. Morgan's head gets caught on fire.
And then she imitates Dr. Teeth's mouth-open-and-head-nodding-thing-that-Muppets-do-after-a-song-thing.

Episode 19 - Peter Sellers

Because it's the only Muppet Show episode that can possibly get away with a Nazi-esque character.

Episode 20 - Petula Clark

Shameless promotion.

Episode 21 - Bob Hope

Because I been through the desert on a horse with no knees...

Episode 22 - Teresa Brewer

Because Teresa Brewer is a fatty fatty boom batty. Lookit all those treats!

Episode 23 - John Cleese

Because the pirate sketch is the best non-Monty Python sketch ever performed by 1/6 of the troupe.

Episode 24 - Cloris Leachman

Because Cloris Leachman gets booed in the first 15 seconds of the show. By a bunch of vegetables.

And there you have it, folks. 24 episodes, 24 great reasons to buy season 2 on DVD. And if that ain't enough, maybe you should try the H.R. Pufinstuf fan site.

Click here to discuss awkward guest stars and animated gifs on the ToughPigs forum!

Labels: DVD, fanaticism, lists, the muppet show

Come with me as I gaze into the Muppet crystal! The way this works, is, you tell me when you were born, and I will use my powers of prognostication to tell you your destiny based on that the Muppets were doing in the year of your birth. Just call me Madame Shawn! Except, don't call me that.

Your results may vary. Side effects include people knowing how old you are, flashbacks to your childhood, or general ennui. As with all prescription horoscopes and fortune-telling, please consult with your family medium or religious leader.


Joe H.

Birthdate: January 1, 1982
Sign: The Dark Crystal

Joe, you were born under the dark sign of The Dark Crystal, which premiered in 1982. Which automatically makes your birthstone Dark Crystal, but it'll be tough finding a miniature plush teddy bear with a necklace that includes a piece at convenience stores.

Your personality: Unfortunately, this truly is a dark sign - you are tedious, and possibly too smart for your own good. You look pretty, though.

Your future: College kids will gather around you while high.


Michal R.

Birthdate: November 4, 1983
Sign: Fraggle Rock

Michal, you were born under the whimsical sign of Fraggle Rock, which premiered in the year of your birth.

Your personality: Michals are a noble race - fearless, dignified, and intellectual. They represent the very pinnacle of civilization and culture. A Michal is most assuredly the best of all possible creatures.

Your future: That movie deal you've been hoping for? Don't hold your breath.


Andrew L.

Birthdate: October 23, 1980
Sign: Shirley Bassey

Andrew, your sign is the Shirley Bassey episode of The Muppet Show, where she performed "Goldfinger".

Your personality: Everything about you shines, and people are always trying to... uh... steal you? Um, the crystal is fading, faaaadinggg...

Your future: You will become either a Bond villain or a Bond girl. Your pick.


Mary Catherine O.

Birthdate: February 9, 1988
Sign: Croonchy Stars

Mary Cate, you were born under the auspicious (and delicious!) Croonchy Star.

Your personality: You are both sweet and entertaining, like the cereal and the box it came in.

Your future: People will spend their entire adult lives trying to remember what you were like. Were you like Apple Jacks? Kinda. Yeah, let's say Apple Jacks. Croonchy Stars weren't around long but are fondly remembered. Not saying that should mean anything to you, just keep it in mind.


Catherine W.

Birthdate: November 14, 1975
Sign: Cher

Cathy, you were born under the star of Cher, whose show featured the Muppets on November 16th of your birth year.

Your personality: You believe in life after love.

Your future: Gay men will inexplicably worship you for many, many years. And apparently humor writers will exploit your very tenuous Muppet connections.


Elizabeth Anne E.

Birthdate: November 20, 1984
Sign: Lovable Furry Old Grover's Resting Places

Elizabeth, your sign is one of stability and comfort, as shown by the book Lovable Furry Old Grover's Resting Places, which featured a number of Grover's favorite 'resting spots' - colored spots on the pages you can rest yourself on.

Your personality: You always offer people a shoulder to lean on. And luckily for them, it's designated by a brightly colored circle, so they know just where to lean.

Your future: Get used to people pressing their body parts up against you.


Alaina B.

Birthdate: September 19, 1984
Sign: The Muppet Show On Tour

Alaina, your sign is an enigmatic one - The Muppet Show On Tour live show.

Your personality: You are like the wind, never putting down roots, flitting from place to place. Yet you create much anticipation and always leave people with a smile.

Your future: People will remark that you're a good five feet taller than you look on TV.


David B.

Birthdate: January 28, 1982
Sign: The Twiddlebug Game

David, your sign is The Twiddlebug Game, a Sesame Street-themed card game.

Your personality: Everyone loves you, David, because you're such a card! Get it? Because... because of the... you know... right?

Your future: Look, man, I'm really sorry about that joke. We cool?


Kellie B.

Birthdate: October 3, 1973
Sign: Sesamstrasse

Kellie, Ihr Zeichen ist Sesamstrasse, die deutsche Sesamkoproduktion, die 1973 anfing.

Your personality: Sie sind recognizeable aber zu Ihrem amerikanischen Selbst unterschiedlich, aber gerade, wie geliebt außer dieser rosafarbenen Schnecke. Dieses Kerls sonderbar, Mannes.

Your future: Sorgen Sie nicht sich um es - ich bezweifele jedermann, das geht, zu versuchen und darzustellen aus, was dieses sagt.


Peter P.

Birthdate: April 30, 1979
Sign: Shields & Yarnell

Peter, your sign is another enigmatic one: the Shields & Yarnell episode of The Muppet Show, which aired in October of 1979.

Your personality: Who the hell are Shields & Yarnell? Weren't they that campy pop duo? Oh, no, wait, that's The Captain & Tennille.

Your future: Hold on, I need to look this up. Okay, it says that Shields & Yarnell were mimes. Huh. Well, alright. You will be very quiet.


Anthony S.

Birthdate: December 30, 1984
Sigh - Another person born in 1984?

Man, you guys. There's only so much that happened in 1984 with the Muppets, you know? Unless you want to be another Sesame Street book.

Your personality: Okay, you know what? You're Muppet Babies. How do you like that? Maybe next time you won't be so born in 1984.

Your future: You will feel slighted by fortune tellers.

Want to have your Muppet Horoscope told? Let us know at the Tough Pigs forums!

Labels: fanaticism, lists, reader participation

Many of our favorite Muppets are well-developed, fleshed-out characters, especially when you consider that they're funny talking animals. Kermit the Frog, for example, is a complex figure with hopes and dreams, as well as insecurities and a serious aversion to commitment.

But not all Muppets are as deep as the frog. Many characters were designed with no more than a single gimmick to define their personality and justify their existence. Call them "one-joke wonders," if you will. (If you won't, that's fine too.) I’d like to take a gander at these one-trick ponies and determine which ones worked and which ones didn’t.

Before I begin, I’d like to point out that although I’m considering any number of characters who only do one thing, I have two criteria: 1) They have to be regulars or recurring on a TV series, and 2) They have to be Muppets. So Jim Henson Hour guest star Louie Anderson doesn’t qualify. Also, although I’ve opted not to link everything, you can find more information about all these characters on Muppet Wiki, the one-stop spot for all your Muppet research needs.

The character: Forgetful Jones, performed by Richard Hunt on Sesame Street
The joke: Have you ever walked into a room and forgotten why? This well-meaning but absent-minded cowboy does that all the time, but he’s just as apt to forget how to get out of the room once he’s there. It’s never explained why a cowboy is hanging out on an inner-city street, though it makes about as much sense as a W.C. Fields-voiced magician or an opera-singing flamingo.
Characteristic appearance: When Forgetful called his cousin to wish her a happy birthday, he forgot who he calling, and why he was calling, and his name.
Career highlight: Forgetful starred in a film version of the musical Oklahoma, in which he was to sing the song “Oklahoma.” He did fine, except for the part where he forgot how to pronounce the word “Oklahoma.”
Funny? Yes. Richard Hunt took a simple character (previously performed by Michael Earl Davis) and made his chronic short-term memory loss not only entertaining, but endearing. His mustache is pretty funny too.
Did he get to stick around? According to Muppet Wiki, Forgetful appeared on Sesame Street for about 14 years, which is a pretty good run. Sadly, he hasn’t been seen since Hunt’s death in 1992. Still, there’s one more important thing I’d like to say about Forgetful Jones, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it is.


The character: Bill the Bubble Guy, performed by Dave Goelz on Muppets Tonight
The joke: Bubbles come out of his head. And he tap dances! No, I’m sorry, that’s a lie. Bubbles come out of his head. That’s it.
Characteristic appearance: In the Sandra Bullock episode, Bill blew bubbles to the accompaniment of “Flight of the Bumblebee.”
Career highlight: Bill was a cast member of the MTV reality spoof sketch The Real World Muppets. I don’t remember much about what happened in that bit, but I seem to recall that some bubbles came out of his head.
Funny? Eh, sorta. But Bill had no personality beyond his gimmick, so he wasn’t very lovable. The puppet wasn’t very distinctive either – take away the bubbles and he’s just a plain old Whatnot. Even if the series had been a hit, we probably wouldn’t have seen a Bill the Bubble Guy Action Bubble Blaster toy.
Did he stick around? He made frequent appearances on Muppets Tonight, but he hasn’t been seen since. Still, as long as we have our old tapes of the show, Bill is forever blowing bubbles.



The character: Lew Zealand, performed by Jerry Nelson on The Muppet Show
The joke: Boomerang fish! As the man says, he throws the fish away, and they come back to him! America’s Got Talent would kill for an act like this.
Characteristic appearance: On the Leslie Uggams episode, Lew threw boomerang fish while Uggams sang “Here You Come Again.”
Career highlight: In The Muppets Take Manhattan, Lew unleashed his fish on an entire unsuspecting audience at a 3-D monster movie.
Funny? Heck yeah! This is the right way to do a one-joke character. With his clownish yet appealing appearance and his silly, upbeat personality, Lew Zealand rises above his pun name to fishy greatness. Lew would occasionally perform other seafood-related acts in later Muppet Show episodes, but the boomerang bit has always been his primary fish shtick.
Did he stick around? You bet. Lew’s shown up in all the major Muppet movies, right up to 2005’s Muppets’ Wizard of Oz. He even got his own action figure, which means he can have swordfish-to-lightsaber duels with Darth Vader, which is approximately the raddest thing I can think of.



The character: Professor Hastings, performed by Frank Oz on Sesame Street
The joke: Professor Hastings, the famous scholar and lecturer, can never make it through a speech without falling asleep. This character provided a way for kids to learn about the alphabet and narcolepsy at the same time!
Characteristic appearance: The prof gives a talk about the letter Y. And falls asleep. Maybe he should have talked about the letter Zzzzz….
Career highlight: On the Sesame Street record Sing the Alphabet, Professor Hastings gets to sing a song about the letter U, but Ernie has to wake him up every time he dozes off. (This is also notable for being perhaps the only Sesame Street to include the word “undulate.”)
Funny? Hmm… It was a fun idea for a sketch or two, but the joke would have gone really stale really quickly had Professor Hastings been on the show much longer. Which brings me to…
Did he stick around? I hope Professor Hastings had tenure at his university job, because he was phased out of Sesame Street after season one. However, I hear he’s hugely popular in Europe.



The character: Henchy Fraggle, performed by John Pattison on Fraggle Rock
The joke: Henchy is a personal assistant to the World’s Oldest Fraggle. He exists mainly to correct the old geezer when he says something wrong, then get bonked on the head by him.
Characteristic appearance: The episode “Capture the Moon” was his first, and it set the standard for things to come.
Career highlight: Henchy plays a larger role than usual in the episode “Inspector Red,” but to say more about it would constitute a spoiler, and I abhor spoilers. I’ll give you a hint: The episode does not involve Henchy getting locked in a walk-in freezer.
Funny? Funny enough. Henchy is minor enough in prominence and appears infrequently enough that watching him get bopped on the noggin always brings a chuckle. Or perhaps I just enjoy seeing people get hit in the head when those people are not me.
Did he stick around? Henchy showed up here and there throughout the run of Fraggle Rock. Most, if not all, of his appearances were in the company of his elderly boss.



The characters: The Talking Houses, performed by various puppeteers on The Muppet Show
The joke: The houses appeared in sketches which always followed the same formula: House A makes a statement about a relative, House B asks for more information, and House A delivers a building-related punchline. You can write a Talking Houses sketch yourself, if you ever have ten seconds to spare.
Characteristic appearance: From the Paul Williams episode: One house mentions that his mother is very religious. Is she a fanatic? No, she’s a church.
Career highlight: Um… well, there was that one time when the third and fourth houses talked instead of the first and second ones. That was exciting.
Funny? The first time or two, it’s mildly amusing. After that, you can see the punchlines coming, and even predict them if you have a finely-honed sense of comedy like my own. However, I do like their brief but zippy little musical theme.
Did they stick around? After season one, the Talking Houses moved out of the Muppet Show neighborhood.



The character: Count von Count, performed by Jerry Nelson on Sesame Street
The joke: He looks kinda like Dracula, and he’s obsessed with counting everything he sees. What kind of crazy idea is that for a character?
Characteristic appearance: When Big Bird showed the Count his new pet turtle, the Count immediately counted the turtle (one), then counted the spots on its shell (twelve).
Career highlight: I’m going to go with the song “Lambaba,” partially because the Count has so much fun counting the sheep that dance around his room, but mostly because it’s a really catchy song.
Funny? The Count’s number fixation is always good for a smile, if not a belly laugh. Even though you know he’s going to count everything he sees, it’s supremely satisfying to watch him do it, especially when it’s accompanied by the traditional trademark thunder.
Did he stick around? The Count first popped up in season four of Sesame Street, and he’s still counting things as the show prepares for season 38. His enduring popularity is a testament to the skill of his performer, as well as to the writers who keep coming up with new things for him to count after all these years. He’s such a part of the pop culture consciousness that if you count something in a Transylvanian accent at work or school tomorrow, I guarantee somebody will respond with an “AH-ah-ah-ah!” If it doesn’t work, I’ll cheerfully refund your money.

There are many more one-joke wonders, some who made the cut and became favorites, and some who faded into obscurity (Are there any Leo the Party Monster fans in the house?). Maybe I’ll write about them someday.

How does a limited character find staying power? A good performance is crucial (being puppeteered by Jerry Nelson seems to be particularly useful), and it helps to have a gimmick that allows some room for variation. I always thought Bill the Bubble Guy would have been funnier if other things would come out of his head -- Ping-Pong balls, feathers, strawberry NesQuik. Sometimes a one-joke Muppet can evolve into something far greater. I think a case could be made for Fozzie (an unfunny comedian) and Gonzo (a performer of bizarre stunts) as initial one-jokers, but they ended up rising above their early defining traits to become well-developed Muppet superstars.

Which brings me to my next point in this essay: One of the most indispensible elements of any episodic teleplay is the comedic interaction between... between... be...twee... ZZZZZZZZZZZZ


Who’s your favorite one-joke Muppet? Click here to discuss this article at the Tough Pigs forum!

ToughPigsRyan@yahoo.com

Labels: fanaticism, lists