Host

This is a very, very special moment, folks at home. We're very excited. We've got truly a performing legend. 

Host 2

I mean, the reason I got into the business, to be quite honest, is this man right here. 

Host

I think he actually, he toured with Zamfir the Pan Flutist, I know, for years. 

Host 2

Yeah, and then they had a falling out, because, uh, there was a problem with the flute. 

Host

But, yeah, Johnny Fiama is just... he's a true legend, and I think we're very, very lucky to have him perform for us. So, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, Mr Johnny Fiama. 

Johnny

Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. You know, when I was asked to sing this evening, I'm really honored to be here, and I just... [ He turns ] ... Sal, where's the band?

Sal

Well, it's three o'clock in the morning, Johnny. They went home, they went to sleep!

Johnny

They went HOME? 

Sal

Well, yeah.

Johnny

Sal, this is my shot! Where's my music? 

Sal

No, it's all right, look, I got a karaoke tape here. You ready? I'm gonna press play here.

Johnny

... Okay. 

Sal

You sing along, here we go. Ready? 

Johnny

Yeah. 

Sal

O-kay.  

[ He presses play, there's a few bars of jumpy music. ] 

Johnny

Oh yeah, baby... 

[ With a horrible screech, the tape gets eaten. ] 

Sal

[ hitting the machine ]  Aw, jeez, aw... doggone thing! Keeps doing that! 

Johnny

Ohhhh.... 

[ Johnny puts his head down. With a groan, he walks offstage. ] 

Sal

Sorry, Johnny. Uh oh... wait, wait, in my ear -- oh yeah, they're telling me, that now we can go to the a capella contest winners who are truly har-monn-ious. Here's Sandy, Jackie, Sue, Katherine, and Pat on the piano!  

Johnny

Thanks a lot. 

Sal

The Mood Swings!... 

[ Later... ] 

Johnny

Wow. What a great night, huh, Sal?

Sal

I'm having a blast! 

Johnny

I tell ya. George, Bob, you guys are terrific. I can't even begin to tell ya how wonderful this is. But, uh, let's go to our live co-hosts in Chicago, here's Bob Conner and Nadia Comaneci! 

Sal

Oh, my gosh! 

Johnny

Yeah, good morning! Good morning! 

Sal

Holy cow! 

Bob

How are you guys doing out there?

Sal

You two look fan -- I gotta tell ya, being a monkey, you two are like my heros! 

[ Bob laughs. ] 

Sal

You can do stuff I can't even do! 

Johnny

That's true, that's true. 

Bob

When we get out there to Hollywood, we'll swing on the bars together with you sometime. 

Sal

Oh my, I would be so honored! I gotta tell ya! 

[ Bob laughs again. Bob likes the monkey. ] 

Nadia

Can you do a cartwheel? 

Sal

... No. 

Johnny

If I push him real hard, yeah.  

Sal

Anyway, over to you! 

Bob

Hey, thanks a lot... 

[ Later... ] 

Johnny

Hey, Sal... guess what time it is, baby!

Sal

Oh, I'm way ahead a ya!

Johnny

Make it happen! 

Sal

Let's see it! Let's see the big number!

Johnny

Here it is, George! Yeah! 

Johnny

Hey, you better believe it! And that's thanks to all of you out there. Thank you so much, everybody. Keep it coming. And now we're gonna go to our lovely, lovely friend -- I'm very excited -- Tony Orlando in New York City! 

Sal

Oh, my goodness. 

Johnny

Tony... 

Tony

Thank you, guys. Thank you so very much... 

[ Later... ] 

Host

They have hope, but they need more than that, and that's why we're here. They need science, and MDA will make the science happen, and find a cure for ALS -- but it'll only happen with your support. So make a contribution now, and help defeat ALS. It's really important to make that contribution. I can't stress that enough. Right, Johnny? Right, Sal? 

Sal

Are you kiddin' me? 

Johnny

Yeah, Sal, tell 'em how important it is to pledge, will ya? 

Sal

Oh, ya want me to REALLY tell 'em how important it is... 

Johnny

Yeah. Go ahead. Go ahead. 

Sal

All right, I'll tell ya how important it is... YOU BETTER SEND YOUR MONEY IN!  

Host

Sal, you can't say that... 

Sal

I CAN SAY THAT!  

Host

No, we gotta be a little... 

Sal

I'M FROM JOISEY! 

Johnny

He's sayin' it. 

Sal

I'LL SEND THE BOYS ROUND! 

Host

No, these are nice people... These are nice folks at home. We want to entertain 'em, have a good time, and just, you know... to have them help out. So... maybe not... maybe, no threats.

Sal

Awright, awright! 

Johnny

Just make nice and send your money, awright? Keep Sal calm.

Sal

Dump yer bank accounts this way.

Johnny

All right, let's go to Chicago, Sal...

Sal

Oh, yeah, yeah! 

Johnny

Back to Bob and Nadia... Hey, guys! Back to you... 

[ Later... ] 

Host

I've had a great time... We're actually going to throw it to the affiliates, and then... we're leaving. 

Host 2

Yeah, you guys have to go. I'm sticking around for four more hours, but...

Johnny

Oh, hey. 

Sal

We'd love to stay with ya. 

Host 2

I know, but you're busy. You've got a lot going on.

Johnny

Yeah, I gotta get home and put my mother to bed. 

Sal

That's true... And then I gotta put him to bed. 

Host 2

Oh, by the way, I loved your mom out there, dancing. She was fantastic. 

Johnny

Oh, thank you, yeah.  

Host

You know what, this is very serious... I want to say thank you to [ list of names ] and everybody that's working very hard on this crew, in the booth, you know who you are, everybody in the audience...  

Johnny

And Jerry Lewis, we love you, baby! 

Sal

Yeah! 

Host

God bless you guys!

Johnny

Get well, Jerry! We love ya!