Craig

All right... my first guest is getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame tomorrow, in honor of his 45 year career in television, movies and music... he stars in The Muppet Show, which is in its 25th year [see what I mean?], and is shown in over one hundred countries. His new television movie, It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie, airs November 29th on NBC.

[ Clip of David Arquette reviving Kermit. ]

Craig

This is Kermit the Frog!

[ The audience goes completely spare. Kermit enters, shakes Craig's hand, and perches on the couch. ]

Kermit

Wow! Do you have audiences like this every night?

Craig

Every night, although they're extra excited because of you, Kermit.

Kermit

Wow. You don't pay them? That's amazing!

Craig

I don't wanna bite you [I have no idea what he was trying to say here]... but can I shake your hand?

Kermit

Absolutely. Of course. I have to shake this hand, though.

Craig

That's okay.

Kermit

It's just one of those things.

Craig

I got it. I'm sure there are a lot of those things, which we'll learn about.

Kermit

Oh, yes. Oh, you can believe.

Craig

Uhh... tomorrow is a big day, your star on the Walk of Fame. What's going through your head right now?

Kermit

What's going through my head right now is that I'm going to be standing next to a very busy street, and I'm only a frog. That can be tough.

Craig

So, you panic sometimes. 

Kermit

I do. I do.

Craig

How many times, honestly, have you been run over by a car?

Kermit

Well, I've been run over many times, I just got between the tires.

Craig

Oh! Oh, you're very nubile... [He means "nimble."]

Kermit

That's kind of a sport with us. 

Craig

Yeah, yeah.

Kermit

Truck dodging. It's kinda one of those Jackass things. (applause)

Craig

You're up on the culture.

Kermit

Well, not really, I just got lucky. 

Craig

Yeah. Cause you don't see all those R rated movies, do you?

Kermit

No, no. I mean, like, I have to... I'm still on Sesame Street, you know. 

Craig

Yeah. Have you -- I don't know if I buy this nice guy act. Have you ever cursed in your life?

Kermit

Well, I mean, you know, I'm like Jimmy Carter, I've lusted in my heart.

Craig

Yeah, yeah. What do you say when you're not doing the show or the movies, and you're, y'know, around the house, and you're watching a bowl game, and somebody does something wrong, what do you say?

Kermit

Well, I probably say something like, oh darn! Or, fiddlesticks! Or, fiddle dee dee! Or, you know what, I really do watch it, I mean, I have a reputation to take care of. I don't want kids to learn that from me. They can watch you. (applause)

Craig

Good... you've worked with a lot of celebs over the years...

Kermit

That's true.

Craig

I understand you met the Queen recently?

Kermit

I did. And I mean the Queen of England.

Craig

Yes...

Kermit

It wasn't, like, some nightclub thing. 

Craig

Not in West Hollywood. This was over in London. 

Kermit

This was across the big pond. Yes. Not the frog pond.

Craig

How exciting was it when you met her?

Kermit

It's pretty amazing, I mean, she's... she's this wonderful little lady, you know? She's not much bigger than me, and she walks out on stage, and her eyes just brightened up, and she reached out and touched me, and said something... I have no idea what it was...

Craig

Yeah. It's hard to understand her. And didn't you meet Ozzy Osbourne over there?

Kermit

I did. And that was... is that what I think it is?

Craig

That's the picture... (applause)

Kermit

Yeah... if you notice, up in the top corner there, you can't really see it, but it says "certs"? Some people thought that meant "concerts," but that was actually what I was hoping was in his mouth. Cause it was pretty bad. No, no, Ozzy's a terrific guy. He had some nice things to say about me, none of which I understood also. He's a lot like the Queen.

Craig

You can understand me, right?

Kermit

Uh... excuse me?

Craig

Yeah...

Kermit

Ha ha...

Craig

Are you going to sing Rainbow Connection? I love that song.

Kermit

Well, I could -- sure.

Craig

Just a few bars, a little somethin' somethin'... (applause)

Kermit

This song was written by a buddy of mine, who wears the same size I do, Mr Paul Williams. 

Craig

Paul Williams...

Kermit

I don't think I have accompaniment here, I didn't bring my banjo, but here goes. (singing:) Why are there so many songs about rainbows, and what's on the other side... It's a long song, I'm going to skip to the end. Someday we'll find it -- everybody! -- the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers, and me...

Craig

Aww, that's nice... (applause)

Kermit

Yep.

Craig

I know, Kermit, that your private life is fairly private... you've been linked over the years with Miss Piggy... 

Kermit

Yeah...

Craig

Anything you want to say about that? 

Kermit

Interesting you use the word link... (applause) Well, all I can say is this... y'know, there was a time when there might have been a little spark, you know, I mean, we dated... (whoop from audience) We did, no, we really did... 

Craig

Where would you take her on a date? What kind of thing would you guys do?

Kermit

Well, no place that served barbecue, believe me. No, she's a wonderful lady, I like working with her, but that's all over. And she -- ask her, she's going to tell you different, but... trust the frog, folks!

Craig

Well, I have a picture here, and I don't understand what... this is Kylie Minogue... [ shows a photo of Kylie kissing Kermit on the lips ]

Kermit

Oh, yeah! (applause) Oh... makes me all warm and fuzzy. I think I may have just wet your leather here. Sorry. Kind of embarrassing. No, Kylie, now, there's a lady. I sang with her at this show she did in London, and she is beautiful... I mean, she's really beautiful! She's about my size... 

Craig

Could you understand her, at least?

Kermit

Oh, yes. Ohhh, yes.

Craig

What about this movie that's coming up, It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie, which is a short title for a lot of us to say...

Kermit

Yes, yes, I understand...

Craig

Snoop Dogg was going to be in it...

Kermit

Right...

Craig

And you guys didn't get along, or... I don't want to start a rumor here, but he's gone, he's out of the movie. 

Kermit

Well, I think that kinda what happened was, that, uh, Snoop came along to do our movie at about the time that he was, like, quitting drugs?

Craig

Yeah...

Kermit

Unfortunately, he was starting porn.

Craig

Oh, okay.

Kermit

Yeah... it's really nothing personal, because, porn's fine, you know, but it's not what we do in a Muppet movie, and...

Craig

Right...

Kermit

And he's a really, he's a very nice guy, I mean, I really liked him, we had a lot in common -- Frog, Dogg, you know...

Craig

He is a great guy. He's a friend of ours.

Kermit

And it's no dis, homey. If you're watching. It's no dis.

Craig

You actually said, "Porn is fine," is that... you're just open minded, it's not your cup of tea, but you don't want to offend our audience?

Kermit

It's not my cup of tea. I don't want to offend anybody, because I'm on a late night show, and by golly, I want to do the right thing. You know?

Craig

Yeah, yeah. I like the fact that you've worked, how many -- what, 45 years?

Kermit

45 years, that's right. I've been around 45 years. That's true.

Craig

And you've always done the clean stuff.

Kermit

Well, I've tried. I've tried. You know. I try not to be, you know, nasty and dirty, although I am a frog. You know.

Craig

And you also... why do you keep working, because I'm sure you've made so much mney over the years, that you could retire after 45 years.

Kermit

You know, it's a funny thing. Us Muppets don't really work for money. I know you find that hard to believe. But we sort of work for the perks. You know, like Muppet toys, and merchandise... 

Craig

Freebies...

Kermit

Yeah. And food! We work for food.

Craig

And meeting Kylie Minogue.

Kermit

And there's nothin' wrong with that. There's nothin' wrong with that.

Craig

Kermit... will you play Five Questions with us when we come back?

Kermit

I certainly will!

Craig

Five Questions with Kermit the Frog!

[ As they come back from commercial, Craig is leaning over to Kermit and laughing. ]

Craig

That is funny. That's a fairly dirty story...

Kermit

Well, listen...

Craig

We are back with Kermit the Frog, ladies and gentlemen, and... are you dont with this, buddy? [ He picks up a glass of bourbon. ]

Kermit

What?

Craig

Are you done with this?

Kermit

I... I don't think that's mine, I... what is it? Could I sniff?

Craig

A little sniffy sniff? [ There it is, right there... that's the moment where Craig becomes completely unwatchable. ]

[ Kermit takes a sniff from the glass and wilts. ]

Kermit

Oh, boy. Wow.

Craig

Yeah. Pretty powerful. And you are now ready... to play Five Questions.

Kermit

Well, I'll try.

Craig

Geography: I'm thinking of a restaurant that specializes in pancakes, it is often abbreviated with its initials. What is it?

Kermit

Ah. I-HOP! (Ding!)

Craig

Yeah, there you go. Bert and Ernie... convenient living situation, or life partners?

Kermit

Uhhh... well, both, but not in the sense you think. So. 

Craig

Oh! 

Kermit

Yeah. But not like you're thinking. 

Craig

Okay, we'll accept that. (Ding!)

Kermit

But it is convenient. Yes.

Craig

On the back of this card, I've written the name of a type of seed... what is it?

Kermit

I bet that would be a Sesame Seed!

Craig

That is correct. (Ding!) 

Kermit

Yes! All right. Wow. I think I'm starting to sweat.

Craig

I thought the drink would throw you off. I guess not. This is kind of exciting... can you do an impression of Clint Eastwood?

Kermit

Oh, uh, ahem... let me see... [He does a very good Eastwood impression:] I know what you're thinking... did he fire all six shots, or only five? Here's the real question -- do you feel lucky, punk? Huh? Do ya?

Craig

There you go! (Ding!) What has he got, he's got four out of four, right? Finally... you dated Miss Piggy at one point, right?

Kermit

True, true...

Craig

Okay... what is the highest rated show in the history of E Television?

Kermit

Oooh! Oh no! I -- oh -- uh -- arrrh! I don't know!

Craig

You dated Miss Piggy... the answer is The Anna Nicole Show!

Kermit

Oh, yes, yes, yes... oh well.

Craig

Four out of five is very good.

Kermit

Is that really true about Anna Nicole?

Craig

Yeah...

Kermit

Son of a gun.

Craig

Kinda sad, isn't it?

Kermit

I don't, I, well, yeah...

Craig

November 29th on NBC -- It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie, sans Snoop Dogg. Nice meeting you, buddy. Proud of you.

Kermit

It's really been wonderful to see you, thank you!

Craig

Kermit the Frog, ladies and gentlemen!