Tough Pigs Anthology

 

The Muppets Take Madison Avenue

March 2002

   

March Anthology  --  Anthology Contents

 

 

Part Three : Dragon Fire

La Choy chow mein ads

Mid 1960's

 

   The La Choy Dragon is another character who's familiar to Muppet fans; we all know him from the supermarket commercial that they show in all the Henson documentaries. But the dragon had a longer shelf life than just one commercial... 

 

 

La Choy Dragon : Supermarket

 

[ A supermarket, shelves piled with cans. A mother pushes a shopping cart, followed by her Cub Scout son. A very normal, placid suburban scene. ]

 

Mother

 

What do you feed twelve hungry Cub Scouts?

 

[ The Dragon pokes his head over the shelves. ]

 

Dragon

 

May I make a suggestion?

 

Mother

 

[ gasp ]  Who are YOU?

 

Dragon

 

I'm the La Choy Dragon!

 

[ The Dragon stomps into the aisle, knocking over cans. He's enormous. Alarmed, the mother pulls her son closer. The boy is impressed. ]

 

Son

 

Gee, a real dragon!

 

Dragon

 

What YOU need is La Choy chow mein! Oops.  [ The Dragon gestures at some chow mein cans, and knocks them over with a crash. ]  It's never mushy. It's crisp and crunchy!

 

Mother

 

[ warily ]  It is, huh...

 

Dragon

 

La Choy chow mein is quick cooked by ME in Dragon Fire!

 

[ The Dragon lets out a burst of flame over the display of cans. A "La Choy Chow Mein" sign catches fire. ]

 

Dragon

 

Quick cooking makes La Choy chow mein as crisp and good as the takeout kind!

 

[ The store owner rushes up and puts out the fire with a quick burst from his fire extinguisher. He grumbles at the Dragon and exits. ]

 

Dragon

 

And one more thing.

 

Mother

 

What's that?

 

Dragon

 

Try La Choy NOODLES!  [ Crash! The Dragon knocks over a stack of noodle cans. ]  Serve 'em with La Choy chow mein for a perfect meal in just six minutes!  [ The Dragon towers over the cowering woman. ]  BUY SOME TODAY!

 

Mother

 

[ terrified ]  I will! I WILL!

 

[ The Dragon stomps off down the aisle. ]

 

Dragon

 

And REMEMBER! You heard about it from the La Choy DRAGON!

 

[ The Dragon stomps around the corner. Cans and displays rattle and crash to the floor. ]

 

Narrator

 

La Choy chow mein. As crisp and good as the takeout kind.  [ Burst of flame. ]  Because it's quick cooked in Dragon Fire.

 

 

 

La Choy Dragon : Kitchen

 

[ A typical suburban sitcom kitchen. A woman stands helplessly in the kitchen, holding a pot. ]

 

Narrator

 

Behold the sad bride who can't cook.

 

Wife

 

[ close to tears ]  I can't even boil water!

 

[ The Dragon peeks out from the pantry. He's wearing a chef's hat. ]

 

Narrator

 

Behold the dragon who lurketh in the pantry.

 

Dragon

 

Lurk, lurk.

 

Wife

 

Eeek! It's a lurking dragon!

 

[ The Dragon emerges from the pantry. Cans crash to the ground. ]

 

Dragon

 

The La Choy Dragon, lady, with La Choy chow mein! Crisp and good as the takeout kind -- [ He slams a can down on the counter ] -- because it's quick cooked in Dragon Fire!  [ He lets out a burst of flame over the can. The wife gasps. ]  For a six-minute supper, just heat... [ He grabs a pot from the counter, knocking other pans to the floor with a clatter. He brandishes the pot. ] ... and SERVE!

 

[ The Narrator describes the delicious ingredients in La Choy chow mein. ]

 

[ Cut to: Later. Husband and Wife sit across from each other at an intimate table decorated with lit candles. ]

 

Husband

 

[ eagerly ]  This chow mein is delicious!

 

Wife

 

[ with a coy smile ]  Thank you, dear.

 

Dragon

 

WAIT!

 

[ The Dragon stomps on. ]

 

Dragon

 

I forgot the La Choy NOODLES!

 

[ The Dragon dumps the noodles in a bowl, then stomps back into the kitchen. ]

 

Husband

 

[ looks at the Wife, confused: ]  Uh...

 

Wife

 

[ smiles ]  Just a friend, dear!

 

Narrator

 

La Choy chow mein -- five different kinds, always crisp.  [ Burst of flame over cans. ]

 

Dragon

 

Quick cooked in Dragon Fire!

 

 

 

La Choy Dragon : Fire

 

[ A suburban living room. A button-down Muppet character with glasses, suit and tie. He reads from a piece of paper. ] 

 

Man

 

On the following days, I eat chow mein. Groundhog Day, Guy Fawkes Day, Bastille Day, the Fifth of July --

 

[ The Dragon enters, and towers over the Man. ]

 

Dragon

 

That's not often ENOUGH!

 

Man

 

Hey, you're a dragon.

 

Dragon

 

Of COURSE! I repeat: You don't eat chow mein often ENOUGH!

 

Man

 

Could he really be a dragon?

 

Dragon

 

Now let's get rid of that list.  [ Burst of flame -- The list burns up. ]

 

Man

 

He's a dragon, all right.

 

Dragon

 

I bring you La Choy chow mein! The delicious six-minute Sunday supper!

 

Man

 

What's a dragon doing here?

 

Dragon

 

I'm the La Choy Dragon! And I quick cook La Choy chow mein in Dragon Fire! Like so!  [ Burst of flame. ]

 

Man

 

Hey, let's watch that.

 

Dragon

 

Quick cooking makes La Choy chow mein CRISP! Never MUSHY.

 

Man

 

Is it as good as the takeout kind?

 

Dragon

 

You bet your bean sprouts!  [ He towers over the Man. ]  Good and CRISP! Because it's quick cooked in Dragon Fire!  [ Burst of flame. ]

 

Man

 

Hey, not in the house.

 

[ Cut to: cans of La Choy chow mein. ]

 

Dragon

 

La Choy chow mein. The perfect six-minute Sunday supper. Try all four kinds!

 

[ Cut back to: living room. It's all burned up and smoking. The Man looks around at the smoldering ruin. ]

 

Man

 

So go ahead. Buy La Choy chow mein. (cough) But watch out for their nutty Dragon.

 

 

 

La Choy Dragon : Protest

 

[ The Man has a sign : "CRISP CHOW MEIN". ]

 

Man

 

I'm here to campaign for crisp chow mein.

 

Dragon

 

Have you tried La Choy chow mein?

 

Man

 

No.

 

Dragon

 

It IS crisp and crunchy! Not MUSHY. As good as the takeout kind!

 

Man

 

How do you know?

 

Dragon

 

I'm the La Choy Dragon! I quick cook La Choy chow mein in Dragon Fire!

 

[ The Dragon lets out a blast of flame. The Man's sign catches fire. ]

 

Man

 

Crisp chow mein. A burning issue.

 

 

Next in the March Anthology:

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March Anthology  --  Anthology Contents

 

 

Danny@ToughPigs.com