Tough Pigs Anthology

April 2003

 

Breaking News

Part 5: Rumplestiltskin

 

Cast: Jim Henson (Kermit), Jerry Nelson (Miller's Daughter, Caller #1, Announcer),

Frank Oz (Rumplestiltskin, Caller #2), Richard Hunt (Caller #3).

 

 

    

 

 

Anncr

 

We take you now to the king's castle, where our reporter, Kermit the Frog, is about to cover a historic meeting between the Miller's Daughter and Rumplestiltskin.

 

Kermit

 

Hark! This is Kermit the Frog here, speaking to you from the King's palace. And I'm here with the Miller's Daughter -- who's right back there -- and in a few moments, Rumplestiltskin is going to arrive, and he's going to take away her little baby, unless the Miller's Daughter can guess his name. Let's talk to her for a moment if we can. Pardon me, ma'am!

 

M's D

 

Mmmm?

 

Kermit

 

Ma'am... Kermit the Frog here, Sesame Street News, ma'am... I was wondering... could you come out here, and answer a couple questions, if you don't mind?

 

M's D

 

Mmmm?

 

Kermit

 

I understand that you're, um -- ahem -- I understand that you're waiting for Rumplestiltskin, is that right?

 

M's D

 

Yes, that's right.

 

Kermit

 

Mm hmm. And if you can't guess his name, he's going to take your baby away. Right?

 

M's D

 

Yes, that's right. I made a deal with him, and boy, am I sorry NOW!

 

Kermit

 

Yeah. And the fact is, you don't know Rumplestiltskin's name, do you?

 

M's D

 

No, I don't... do YOU?

 

Kermit

 

Uh. Well, no, actually, I don't.

 

 

    

 

 

Kermit

 

But I do have a surprise for you and our Sesame Street audience...

 

M's D

 

Mmm?

 

Kermit

 

Because we have set up a hotline -- we've set up a hotline, boys and girls, right here to the castle -- and if anybody here knows any information regarding Rumplestiltskin's name, if you will call us here at Sesame Street 5-55 -- that's Sesame Street 5-55 -- call us here if you have any information, and you may save this lovely young lady's baby.

 

M's D

 

Please! Oh! 

 

 

    

 

 

Kermit

 

[ The phone rings... ]  Ah! Sesame Street News? 

 

Caller 1

 

Hello, Kermit? 

 

Kermit

 

Yes?

 

Caller 1

 

Rumplestiltskin's name is Fred. Fred Rumplestiltskin. He used to be friends with my cousin Janice. 

 

Kermit

 

Oh, that's wonderful! Thank you so much!  [ He hangs up. ] 

 

M's D

 

Oh, thank you!

 

Kermit

 

Do you hear that? Rumplestiltskin's name is Fred! The baby is saved, isn't that wonderful, that a total stranger would call -- [ The phone rings again. ] -- What's that? Uh... Sesame Street News?

 

Caller 2

 

Hi, Kermit -- I watch ya all the time on television...

 

Kermit

 

Oh, well, thank you!

 

Caller 2

 

Rumplestiltskin's real name is Otto. Otto Rumplestiltskin. He used to play tag in the mud with my brother Dino. 

 

Kermit

 

You mean... it's not Fred? Well, who is this speaking, please?

 

Caller 2

 

None of your business. Let's just say it's a friend.  [ He hangs up. ]

 

M's D

 

But... I don't HAVE any friends! 

 

[ The phone rings again. ]

 

Kermit

 

Well, maybe this will clear things up, here... uh, Sesame Street News? 

 

Caller 3

 

Hello, Kermit?

 

Kermit

 

Yeah?

 

Caller 3

 

Yeah, you tell the Miller's Daughter that Rumplestiltskin's real name is Barry. Yeah, Barry Rumplestiltskin. He works at the car wash -- you know the one, near Smith's drug store.

 

Kermit

 

... He does?

 

Caller 3

 

Yeah. So long.  [ He hangs up. ]

 

Kermit

 

Uh...

 

M's D

 

Oh, my...

 

 

    

 

 

 

 

[ There's a knock at the door. ]

 

Kermit

 

Oh, good heavens -- that's Rumplestiltskin at the door now!

 

M's D

 

Oh, no...

 

Kermit

 

I must betake myself to a hiding place, here... and I'll watch the action from there... Let's see, if I just, uh... Oh -- here's a good looking place to hide. I'll get right in here. 

 

[ Kermit hides in an empty baby carriage. ]

 

 

    

 

 

R'plstkn

 

Well, there we are, Miller's Daughter! And here I am, right on time! Well! Have you guessed my name yet?

 

M's D

 

... Is it Fred? 

 

R'plstkn

 

Fred? You must be thinking of Janice's cousin's friend Fred. No, it's not Fred.

 

M's D

 

Well, then, is it Otto?

 

R'plstkn

 

Otto? No, that's MY cousin -- the one who likes to play tag in the mud. 

 

M's D

 

Hm. Then it must be Barry!

 

R'plstkn

 

You mean the guy at the car wash?

 

M's D

 

Mm hmm!

 

R'plstkn

 

Mm mmm, no way, not Barry!

 

M's D

 

No?

 

R'plstkn

 

Well, there you are, three strikes, and you are OUT!

 

M's D

 

Oh...

 

 

    

 

 

R'plstkn

 

My real name is... you ready for this?

 

M's D

 

Yes.

 

R'plstkn

 

BRUCE!

 

M's D

 

Bruce?

 

R'plstkn

 

Bruce Rumplestiltskin! That's right! Well, a real easy one, you missed it. So. Where's the kid?

 

M's D

 

Oh, he's out hunting dragons with his father.

 

R'plstkn

 

Mm hmm, that's what they all say. You just don't mind if I look around, do you?

 

M's D

 

No, go ahead. 

 

R'plstkn

 

Hmmm, let's see. If I was a baby in this castle, where would I be?  [ He spots Kermit in the baby carriage. ]  THERE he is!

 

Kermit

 

Listen, I'm not her baby! Uh -- tell him who I am, please!

 

M's D

 

Uhh... He likes a twelve o'clock feeding!

 

R'plstkn

 

Gotcha!

 

Kermit

 

I like a WHAT?

 

R'plstkn

 

Awww, kitchy kitchy coo! You're a cute one!

 

Kermit

 

Kitchy kitchy coo yourself! Uh... this is Kermit the Frog, I'm going to return you to your regularly scheduled program...

 

R'plstkn

 

Let's go home! Home with Uncle Bruce!

 

Kermit

 

Uh, wait a minute. Where are you taking me? Listen, I can explain this whole thing away!

 

R'plstkn

 

You can visit on weekends!

 

Kermit

 

Wait, unhand me!

 

R'plstkn

 

Oh, we'll play, and have fun...

 

 

    

 

Next in the Anthology:

 

The Beautiful Princess

chooses a husband!

 

Part 6: The Beautiful Princess

 

 

News Flash contents

 

 

Danny@ToughPigs.com

 

 

Tough Pigs Anthology Contents

March 2003 -- The Early Days of the Muppet Show Comic Strip

Feb 2003 -- Ernie vs Bert

Aug/Sept 2002 -- The Road to Hollywood

July 2002 -- The Decline and Fall of Gorch, part two: The Fall

June 2002 -- The Decline and Fall of Gorch, part one: The Decline

May 2002 -- Giant Frogs!

April 2002 -- April Frog's Day

March 2002 -- The Muppets Take Madison Avenue

February 2002 -- Kermit and Piggy : That Magnificent Hankering

January 2002 -- Off the Street

December 2001 -- It Feels Like Christmas

November 2001 -- Muppets: 1, Host: 0