Tough Pigs Anthology

 

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November 2001

 

November Anthology -- Anthology Contents

 

 

Part Two : Pig Can't Cook

Miss Piggy on Live with Regis and Kathie Lee

April 18, 1996

   

   Miss Piggy, always infamous as a talk-show guest, became an absolute terror in 1996. Between plugging Muppets Tonight, Muppet Treasure Island and her cookbook, In the Kitchen with Miss Piggy, she was all over the talk-show circuit that year, spreading chaos and dissension everywhere she went. 

 

   Probably her strangest and most vicious appearance in 1996 was plugging the cookbook on Live with Regis and Kathie Lee. It got ugly right from the start, as naturally it would, with Kathie Lee referring to Piggy as an "animal act." And then they made their next mistake... 

 

 

Regis

 

Miss Piggy is continuing our Celebrity Cooking Week... Miss Piggy, are you over there in the kitchen, darling? I can't see you.

 

Piggy

 

[ hidden under the counter ] Yes, I am... 

 

Regis

 

Well, why don't you stick your head up, Miss Piggy?

 

Piggy

 

[ coming up ]  My heel broke!

 

Regis

 

Oh, there you are! Yes. Here's Miss Piggy's celebrity cooking book right there.

 

Kathie

 

And don't you love what it says, Reege? "By Moi"... I'm a little upset with Miss Piggy, okay?

 

Regis

 

Why? Why?

 

Kathie

 

I mean, I don't want to pick a feud or anything with Miss Piggy. I happen to think she's a fabulously talented sow. BUT. This is all her celebrity friends cooking... I don't see that she even made a request of you or me.

 

Regis

 

No... I see Larry King there -- I see Larry King everywhere these days! Candy Bergen, y'know... all of your good friends, right, Miss Piggy? But not us! 

 

Piggy

 

Are you hurt?

 

Kathie

 

Well, I try not to be... 

 

Regis

 

I mean, we'll get over it, of course.

 

Kathie

 

You sort of expect those kinds of, you know, snubs by your enemies, but, y'know, when it happens from a friend... Yeah, it hurts a little. Yeah. Frankly. 

 

Piggy

 

I'm so sorry, dear. Moi did ask vous. Moi did!

 

Kathie

 

Moi did not. Vous did not!

 

 

   Then Regis and Kathie proceeded to draw an unflattering comparison between Piggy and their previous celebrity cook, Dolly Parton...

 

 

 

Kathie

 

Did Gelman have just as much trouble getting Miss Piggy's apron on this morning as he did Dolly's? Did he help you, Miss Piggy?

 

Piggy

 

Are you through insulting me?

 

Kathie

 

No, not at all. I happen to like you, very, very much.

 

Piggy

 

No, no, wait. There was nothing personal. I think we went through your people. 

 

Regis

 

Oh, you went through her people, yes. My people, you talk right to me

 

Piggy

 

No, I know... I... I did not know... I...

 

Regis

 

That's okay, Miss Piggy. You're forgiven. 

 

Kathie

 

It's really okay. Honestly.

 

Regis

 

It's okay. She'll get over it!

 

Piggy

 

You know what, dears? WHO CARES!

 

Regis

 

Miss Piggy, getting upset.

 

 

   She certainly was... and it got worse when the cooking segment actually started...

 

 

 

Regis

 

Celebrity Cooking Week continues... and here she is, Miss Piggy, everybody! Our chef for today!

 

Piggy

 

Thank you! Thank you, thank you.

 

Regis

 

A wonderful collection of recipes. 

 

Piggy

 

Thank you. From all of moi's dear, dear friends. 

 

Regis

 

Yes.

 

Piggy

 

MAJOR stars!

 

Regis

 

Ha ha... Don't rub it in!

 

Piggy

 

Moi's DEAREST friends!

 

Regis

 

I know.

 

Piggy

 

My CLOSEST friends.

 

Regis

 

Ha ha...

 

Piggy

 

VERY GOOD FRIENDS!

 

Regis

 

All RIGHT! Okay, Miss Piggy...

 

Piggy

 

VERY... CLOSE! Oh, may I say one thing?

 

Regis

 

Yes...

 

Piggy

 

A portion of the proceeds of this book will go to the wonderful people at Citymeals on Wheels. 

 

Regis

 

That's a very worthy organization.

 

Piggy

 

They deliver food to the homebound elderly. It's wonderful.

 

Regis

 

You're absolutely right. They do a good job, too.

 

Piggy

 

Yes, and they love to read all the wonderful recipes of my VERY close friends.

 

Regis

 

Yes. And which close friend's recipe are we doing right now?

 

Piggy

 

Um... Candice Bergen!

 

Regis

 

Candice Bergen. She gave you this recipe.

 

Piggy

 

Yes. Candice Bergen, one of many stars. There's Clint Eastwood... Candice Bergen... Paul Newman... very, very close friends. 

 

Regis

 

Do you ever cook?

 

Piggy

 

REAL... CLOSE!

 

Regis

 

All RIGHT!

 

Piggy

 

Sorry.

 

Regis

 

Do you ever cook, Miss Piggy?

 

Piggy

 

No.

 

Regis

 

No. Well, now I'm gonna grill some vegetables first, right?

 

Piggy

 

I don't know. What are you doing?

 

Regis

 

I'm cutting off all the --

 

Piggy

 

Could I ask you a quick question?

 

Regis

 

Yeah, sure.

 

Piggy

 

What is that big white rectangular thing over there?

 

Regis

 

Where?

 

Piggy

 

Right there.

 

Regis

 

That's a refrigerator.

 

Piggy

 

Oh, THAT's what it looks like!

 

Regis

 

Gotta LOT of problems here. All right, so we put this up here...

 

Piggy

 

Can I ask you another question?

 

Regis

 

Oy. Yes?

 

Piggy

 

Does Gelman have a first name?

 

Regis

 

That IS his first name.

 

Piggy

 

Gelman?

 

Regis

 

Can I ask you a question?

 

Piggy

 

Sure. Shoot.

 

Regis

 

Are you married to Kermit the Frog?

 

Piggy

 

Yes.

 

Regis

 

Really!

 

Piggy

 

Yes, we're very happy.

 

Regis

 

How long have you been married?

 

Piggy

 

YEARS!

 

Regis

 

I thought you were just boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

Piggy

 

It was really none of your business, was it?

 

Regis

 

All right. So you cut some, uh, some vegetables, and you grill them. Okay? Now, what do I do here?

 

Piggy

 

I have no idea.

 

Regis

 

Okay! All right. I'm mixing now. Okay. First we're gonna use two tablespoons of --

 

Piggy

 

No one told me we were gonna cook.

 

Regis

 

Yeah, oh yeah, we're cooking Candice's recipe. Two tablespoons of lemon juice...

 

Piggy

 

Yeah...

 

Regis

 

Here's one tablespoon of lemon zest...

 

Piggy

 

Y'know what?

 

Regis

 

What?

 

Piggy

 

I couldn't care less about this recipe.

 

Regis

 

Y'know what?

 

Piggy

 

What?

 

Regis

 

That makes two of us.

 

Piggy

 

I figure if Candice cared, she'd be here right now.

 

Regis

 

That's right! If she gave a darn, she'd be right here making her own recipe.

 

Piggy

 

Well, let's be creative. Let's do our own recipe.

 

Regis

 

All right, but anyway, we got all this stuff out, Miss Piggy, but here's a quarter-cup of olive oil or vegetable oil...

 

Piggy

 

You're obsessed with this thing, aren't you?

 

Regis

 

Yeah, I'm really thrilled to be doing this.

 

Piggy

 

Just relax. Relax. Take it easy.

 

Regis

 

Here's one tablespoon of Dijon mustard...

 

Piggy

 

You just keep going like a train, don't you?

 

Regis

 

Do you have any frog legs in this cookbook? [Audience: "Oooooh...."]

 

Piggy

 

Oooo-ooooh!

 

Regis

 

Here's a half a tablespoon of dill weed. You know, we've never used dill weed on this show? Ahem. One, uh, tablespoon...

 

Piggy

 

Is this as boring to you as it is to me?

 

Regis

 

Tablespoon of salt, tablespoon of pepper...

 

Piggy

 

Boy, look at you go.

 

Regis

 

A pinch of sugar. Okay. Now I...

 

Piggy

 

Can't you just stop for a second and talk to your guest?

 

Regis

 

All right. Okay.

 

Piggy

 

Just stop. Just stop. [to Audience:] Wouldn't you like that? [Audience claps.] Fine. Fine. All right. YO, YO, YO! Okay. Now. Fine. Could we talk about her wardrobe?

 

Regis

 

HER wardrobe?

 

Piggy

 

Katharine's.

 

Regis

 

She's a little upset with you now

 

Piggy

 

I'm just trying to help her out. She needs a new wardrobe. Don't you, dear? 

 

Kathie

 

I do. Do you have your own line of clothing, Miss Piggy?

 

Piggy

 

I have a whole wardrobe at home, it's made for moi personally. I have a whole new spring outfit collection. 

 

Regis

 

It looks very becoming.

 

Piggy

 

Mmm-hmm. Thank you. Yes.

 

Regis

 

Now, what are we going to do about Kathie Lee?

 

Piggy

 

Who cares

 

Kathie

 

Um, Miss Piggy, I understand that Bryant Gumbel has a nice recipe in your book that includes... BACON!

 

Regis

 

Bryant Gumbel uses... BACON!

 

Piggy

 

Okay, fine. I tell you what. I'm just gonna stand back here, and let both of you do all the pig jokes. Okay? Go ahead! Get em out!

 

Regis

 

Are you related to Babe, incidentally?

 

Piggy

 

You're still cooking, aren't you?

 

Regis

 

All right. I've got this all done...

 

Piggy

 

Katherine, I have to tell you... Katherine? I did ask for you to be in the cookbook. Yes, I did. I spoke to Frank.

 

Kathie

 

Oh, and what did Frank say?

 

Piggy

 

Well, first of all, we both talked about that wonderful night in Green Bay, years ago...

 

Regis

 

Oh, that Frank!

 

Kathie

 

I thought all those pigs were behind him.

 

Piggy

 

Talk about illegal use of the hands... and then after that, I, moi, asked him if vous -- well, actually, we didn't actually... I started asking him if you could be in the cookbook, and then we just... started talking about personal things, and I forgot.

 

Kathie

 

Oh. But your heart was in the right place.

 

Piggy

 

Not particularly.

 

Kathie

 

But your body... Your body was not in the right place.

 

Piggy

 

My body is always in the right place, baby.

 

Regis

 

All right. Here's what we do. We get the --

 

Piggy

 

Are you still COOKING?

 

Regis

 

YES! We gotta add the pasta, some tomato, and a little --

 

Kathie

 

You have to COOK the pasta. Cook the pasta, Reege.

 

Regis

 

And we have done that, and it's right here. And now I add this right here, Miss Piggy. Right on top of the --

 

Piggy

 

You think I care?

 

Kathie

 

It does smell delicious, though. The fumes are...

 

Piggy

 

Look, I asked all these celebrities. I have no idea how to cook.

 

Regis

 

Yeah, I -- uh, I get that feeling.

 

Piggy

 

The most important thing in the kitchen is the telephone. Call your friends. What are these words down here? "Toss well... serve warm or at room temperature." I have no idea what that is.

 

Regis

 

Miss Piggy, you're giving me a headache. Be quiet, will ya? I'm trying to get through this. Now. We have grilled... 

 

Kathie

 

Reege, you should probably ask what Kermit's favorite meal is.

 

Piggy

 

No, I'm hurt now. I'm hurt. 

 

Regis

 

Yeah, what's Kermit's favorite meal?

 

Kathie

 

When you have a special evening with Kermit, Piggy.

 

Regis

 

Yeah. You light the candles, and what do you serve him?

 

Piggy

 

I'm hurt.

 

Kathie

 

Pardon?

 

Piggy

 

I'm hurt.

 

Kathie

 

Why?

 

Piggy

 

He yelled at me. 

 

Kathie

 

Reege...

 

Regis

 

I'll yell at you again in a minute, Miss Piggy. Okay, now I've carved up all these... now what do I do?

 

Piggy

 

[sniff]  Doesn't matter...

 

Regis

 

Awww, boy. 

 

Kathie

 

Are you hormonal?

 

Regis

 

I'm used to women crying.

 

Kathie

 

Or just Hormel?

 

Regis

 

Don't rub it in! Okay.

 

Kathie

 

Oh, I feel bad for the pig. I'm sorry.

 

Regis

 

Now I add...

 

Piggy

 

[to Kathie:]  No, don't touch me!

 

Regis

 

Then you add all the vegetables to the pasta, and then you whisk 'em some more, right, Gelman? 

 

Gelman

 

Right! And then you taste it.

 

Regis

 

And then you taste it. And that looks like a good dish. All right, Miss Piggy...

 

Piggy

 

I'm not talking to you, Regis. I'm not talking.

 

Kathie

 

Oh... That would be nice.

 

[ Regis and Kathie Lee taste the pasta, and act like it tastes awful. ]

 

Kathie

 

Ohhh, that's great! Really, that's great.

 

Regis

 

Wonderful! What a recipe! Here it is -- Miss Piggy's cookbook, In the Kitchen with Miss Piggy...

 

Piggy

 

Go away!

 

Regis

 

Smokin' Joe Frazier, coming up next!

 

[Announcer:] If you'd like to try Miss Piggy's recipe anyway, send a self-addressed stamped envelope and two dollars to Live Newsletter... 

 

 

   So there you go. Incredible, yeah? I love it. It's like a little psychodrama. Piggy exposes this amazing brutality and insensitivity at the heart of Regis and Kathie Lee. They have an actual guest standing in front of them who they've insulted and harassed for ten minutes, and she's practically crying, and they just go on with the recipe. 

 

   Stay tuned for more fun! 

 

 

Next in the Anthology: 

Another psychodrama erupts in

Part Three : Ladies First

when Al Roker asks Kermit and Miss Piggy 

about marriage, plastic surgery and Antonio Banderas!

 

November Anthology -- Anthology Contents

 

Danny@ToughPigs.com