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Tough Pigs
Anthology
Muppets:
1, Host: 0
November
2001
November
Anthology --
Anthology
Contents
Part
Two : Pig Can't Cook
Miss
Piggy
on Live with Regis and Kathie Lee
April
18, 1996
Miss Piggy, always infamous as a talk-show guest, became an absolute terror in
1996. Between plugging Muppets Tonight, Muppet Treasure Island
and her cookbook, In the Kitchen with Miss Piggy, she was all over the
talk-show circuit that year, spreading chaos and dissension everywhere she
went.
Probably her strangest and most vicious appearance in 1996 was plugging the
cookbook on Live with Regis and Kathie Lee. It got ugly
right from the start, as naturally it would, with Kathie Lee referring to Piggy
as an "animal act." And then they made their next mistake...
| Regis
|
Miss Piggy is continuing our Celebrity Cooking Week... Miss
Piggy, are you over there in the kitchen, darling? I can't see you.
|
| Piggy
|
[ hidden under the counter ] Yes, I am...
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| Regis
|
Well, why don't you stick your head up, Miss Piggy?
|
| Piggy
|
[ coming up ] My heel broke!
|
| Regis
|
Oh, there you are! Yes. Here's Miss Piggy's celebrity
cooking book right there.
|
| Kathie
|
And don't you love what it says, Reege? "By Moi"...
I'm a little upset with Miss Piggy, okay?
|
| Regis
|
Why? Why?
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| Kathie
|
I mean, I don't want to pick a feud or anything with Miss
Piggy. I happen to think she's a fabulously talented sow. BUT. This is all
her celebrity friends cooking... I don't see that she even made a request
of you or me.
|
| Regis
|
No... I see Larry King there -- I see Larry King everywhere
these days! Candy Bergen, y'know... all of your good friends,
right, Miss Piggy? But not us!
|
| Piggy
|
Are you hurt?
|
| Kathie
|
Well, I try not to be...
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| Regis
|
I mean, we'll get over it, of course.
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| Kathie
|
You sort of expect those kinds of, you know, snubs by
your enemies, but, y'know, when it happens from a friend... Yeah, it hurts
a little. Yeah. Frankly.
|
| Piggy
|
I'm so sorry, dear. Moi did ask vous. Moi did!
|
| Kathie
|
Moi did not. Vous did not!
|
Then Regis and Kathie proceeded to draw an unflattering comparison between Piggy
and their previous celebrity cook, Dolly Parton...
| Kathie
|
Did Gelman have just as much trouble getting Miss Piggy's
apron on this morning as he did Dolly's? Did he help you, Miss Piggy?
|
| Piggy
|
Are you through insulting me?
|
| Kathie
|
No, not at all. I happen to like you, very,
very much.
|
| Piggy
|
No, no, wait. There was nothing personal. I think we went
through your people.
|
| Regis
|
Oh, you went through her people, yes. My
people, you talk right to me.
|
| Piggy
|
No, I know... I... I did not know... I...
|
| Regis
|
That's okay, Miss Piggy. You're forgiven.
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| Kathie
|
It's really okay. Honestly.
|
| Regis
|
It's okay. She'll get over it!
|
| Piggy
|
You know what, dears? WHO CARES!
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| Regis
|
Miss Piggy, getting upset.
|
She certainly was... and it got worse when the cooking segment actually
started...
| Regis
|
Celebrity Cooking Week continues... and here she is, Miss
Piggy, everybody! Our chef for today!
|
| Piggy
|
Thank you! Thank you, thank you.
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| Regis
|
A wonderful collection of recipes.
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| Piggy
|
Thank you. From all of moi's dear, dear friends.
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| Regis
|
Yes.
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| Piggy
|
MAJOR stars!
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| Regis
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Ha ha... Don't rub it in!
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| Piggy
|
Moi's DEAREST friends!
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| Regis
|
I know.
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| Piggy
|
My CLOSEST friends.
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| Regis
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Ha ha...
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| Piggy
|
VERY GOOD FRIENDS!
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| Regis
|
All RIGHT! Okay, Miss Piggy...
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| Piggy
|
VERY... CLOSE! Oh, may I say one thing?
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| Regis
|
Yes...
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| Piggy
|
A portion of the proceeds of this book will go to the
wonderful people at Citymeals on Wheels.
|
| Regis
|
That's a very worthy organization.
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| Piggy
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They deliver food to the homebound elderly. It's wonderful.
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| Regis
|
You're absolutely right. They do a good job, too.
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| Piggy
|
Yes, and they love to read all the wonderful recipes of my
VERY close friends.
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| Regis
|
Yes. And which close friend's recipe are we doing right now?
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| Piggy
|
Um... Candice Bergen!
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| Regis
|
Candice Bergen. She gave you this recipe.
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| Piggy
|
Yes. Candice Bergen, one of many stars. There's Clint
Eastwood... Candice Bergen... Paul Newman... very, very close
friends.
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| Regis
|
Do you ever cook?
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| Piggy
|
REAL... CLOSE!
|
| Regis
|
All RIGHT!
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| Piggy
|
Sorry.
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| Regis
|
Do you ever cook, Miss Piggy?
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| Piggy
|
No.
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| Regis
|
No. Well, now I'm gonna grill some vegetables first, right?
|
| Piggy
|
I don't know. What are you doing?
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| Regis
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I'm cutting off all the --
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| Piggy
|
Could I ask you a quick question?
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| Regis
|
Yeah, sure.
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| Piggy
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What is that big white rectangular thing over there?
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| Regis
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Where?
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| Piggy
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Right there.
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| Regis
|
That's a refrigerator.
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| Piggy
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Oh, THAT's what it looks like!
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| Regis
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Gotta LOT of problems here. All right, so we put this up
here...
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| Piggy
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Can I ask you another question?
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| Regis
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Oy. Yes?
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| Piggy
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Does Gelman have a first name?
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| Regis
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That IS his first name.
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| Piggy
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Gelman?
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| Regis
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Can I ask you a question?
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| Piggy
|
Sure. Shoot.
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| Regis
|
Are you married to Kermit the Frog?
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| Piggy
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Yes.
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| Regis
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Really!
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| Piggy
|
Yes, we're very happy.
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| Regis
|
How long have you been married?
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| Piggy
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YEARS!
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| Regis
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I thought you were just boyfriend and girlfriend.
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| Piggy
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It was really none of your business, was it?
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| Regis
|
All right. So you cut some, uh, some vegetables, and you
grill them. Okay? Now, what do I do here?
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| Piggy
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I have no idea.
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| Regis
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Okay! All right. I'm mixing now. Okay. First we're gonna use
two tablespoons of --
|
| Piggy
|
No one told me we were gonna cook.
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| Regis
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Yeah, oh yeah, we're cooking Candice's recipe. Two
tablespoons of lemon juice...
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| Piggy
|
Yeah...
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| Regis
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Here's one tablespoon of lemon zest...
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| Piggy
|
Y'know what?
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| Regis
|
What?
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| Piggy
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I couldn't care less about this recipe.
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| Regis
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Y'know what?
|
| Piggy
|
What?
|
| Regis
|
That makes two of us.
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| Piggy
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I figure if Candice cared, she'd be here right now.
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| Regis
|
That's right! If she gave a darn, she'd be right here
making her own recipe.
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| Piggy
|
Well, let's be creative. Let's do our own recipe.
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| Regis
|
All right, but anyway, we got all this stuff out, Miss
Piggy, but here's a quarter-cup of olive oil or vegetable oil...
|
| Piggy
|
You're obsessed with this thing, aren't you?
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| Regis
|
Yeah, I'm really thrilled to be doing this.
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| Piggy
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Just relax. Relax. Take it easy.
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| Regis
|
Here's one tablespoon of Dijon mustard...
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| Piggy
|
You just keep going like a train, don't you?
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| Regis
|
Do you have any frog legs in this cookbook? [Audience:
"Oooooh...."]
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| Piggy
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Oooo-ooooh!
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| Regis
|
Here's a half a tablespoon of dill weed. You know, we've
never used dill weed on this show? Ahem. One, uh, tablespoon...
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| Piggy
|
Is this as boring to you as it is to me?
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| Regis
|
Tablespoon of salt, tablespoon of pepper...
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| Piggy
|
Boy, look at you go.
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| Regis
|
A pinch of sugar. Okay. Now I...
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| Piggy
|
Can't you just stop for a second and talk to your guest?
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| Regis
|
All right. Okay.
|
| Piggy
|
Just stop. Just stop. [to Audience:] Wouldn't you like that?
[Audience claps.] Fine. Fine. All right. YO, YO, YO! Okay. Now. Fine.
Could we talk about her wardrobe?
|
| Regis
|
HER wardrobe?
|
| Piggy
|
Katharine's.
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| Regis
|
She's a little upset with you now.
|
| Piggy
|
I'm just trying to help her out. She needs a new wardrobe.
Don't you, dear?
|
| Kathie
|
I do. Do you have your own line of clothing, Miss
Piggy?
|
| Piggy
|
I have a whole wardrobe at home, it's made for moi
personally. I have a whole new spring outfit collection.
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| Regis
|
It looks very becoming.
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| Piggy
|
Mmm-hmm. Thank you. Yes.
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| Regis
|
Now, what are we going to do about Kathie Lee?
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| Piggy
|
Who cares?
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| Kathie
|
Um, Miss Piggy, I understand that Bryant Gumbel has a nice
recipe in your book that includes... BACON!
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| Regis
|
Bryant Gumbel uses... BACON!
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| Piggy
|
Okay, fine. I tell you what. I'm just gonna stand back here,
and let both of you do all the pig jokes. Okay? Go ahead! Get em out!
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| Regis
|
Are you related to Babe, incidentally?
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| Piggy
|
You're still cooking, aren't you?
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| Regis
|
All right. I've got this all done...
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| Piggy
|
Katherine, I have to tell you... Katherine? I did ask for
you to be in the cookbook. Yes, I did. I spoke to Frank.
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| Kathie
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Oh, and what did Frank say?
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| Piggy
|
Well, first of all, we both talked about that wonderful
night in Green Bay, years ago...
|
| Regis
|
Oh, that Frank!
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| Kathie
|
I thought all those pigs were behind him.
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| Piggy
|
Talk about illegal use of the hands... and then after that,
I, moi, asked him if vous -- well, actually, we didn't actually... I
started asking him if you could be in the cookbook, and then we just...
started talking about personal things, and I forgot.
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| Kathie
|
Oh. But your heart was in the right place.
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| Piggy
|
Not particularly.
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| Kathie
|
But your body... Your body was not in the right
place.
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| Piggy
|
My body is always in the right place, baby.
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| Regis
|
All right. Here's what we do. We get the --
|
| Piggy
|
Are you still COOKING?
|
| Regis
|
YES! We gotta add the pasta, some tomato, and a
little --
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| Kathie
|
You have to COOK the pasta. Cook the pasta, Reege.
|
| Regis
|
And we have done that, and it's right here. And now I add
this right here, Miss Piggy. Right on top of the --
|
| Piggy
|
You think I care?
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| Kathie
|
It does smell delicious, though. The fumes are...
|
| Piggy
|
Look, I asked all these celebrities. I have no idea how to
cook.
|
| Regis
|
Yeah, I -- uh, I get that feeling.
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| Piggy
|
The most important thing in the kitchen is the telephone.
Call your friends. What are these words down here? "Toss well...
serve warm or at room temperature." I have no idea what that is.
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| Regis
|
Miss Piggy, you're giving me a headache. Be quiet, will ya?
I'm trying to get through this. Now. We have grilled...
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| Kathie
|
Reege, you should probably ask what Kermit's favorite meal
is.
|
| Piggy
|
No, I'm hurt now. I'm hurt.
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| Regis
|
Yeah, what's Kermit's favorite meal?
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| Kathie
|
When you have a special evening with Kermit, Piggy.
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| Regis
|
Yeah. You light the candles, and what do you serve him?
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| Piggy
|
I'm hurt.
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| Kathie
|
Pardon?
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| Piggy
|
I'm hurt.
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| Kathie
|
Why?
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| Piggy
|
He yelled at me.
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| Kathie
|
Reege...
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| Regis
|
I'll yell at you again in a minute, Miss Piggy. Okay, now
I've carved up all these... now what do I do?
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| Piggy
|
[sniff] Doesn't matter...
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| Regis
|
Awww, boy.
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| Kathie
|
Are you hormonal?
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| Regis
|
I'm used to women crying.
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| Kathie
|
Or just Hormel?
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| Regis
|
Don't rub it in! Okay.
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| Kathie
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Oh, I feel bad for the pig. I'm sorry.
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| Regis
|
Now I add...
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| Piggy
|
[to Kathie:] No, don't touch me!
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| Regis
|
Then you add all the vegetables to the pasta, and then you
whisk 'em some more, right, Gelman?
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| Gelman
|
Right! And then you taste it.
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| Regis
|
And then you taste it. And that looks like a good dish. All
right, Miss Piggy...
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| Piggy
|
I'm not talking to you, Regis. I'm not talking.
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| Kathie
|
Oh... That would be nice.
|
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[ Regis and Kathie Lee taste the pasta, and act like it
tastes awful. ]
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| Kathie
|
Ohhh, that's great! Really, that's great.
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| Regis
|
Wonderful! What a recipe! Here it is -- Miss Piggy's
cookbook, In the Kitchen with Miss Piggy...
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| Piggy
|
Go away!
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| Regis
|
Smokin' Joe Frazier, coming up next!
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[Announcer:] If you'd like to try Miss Piggy's recipe anyway,
send a self-addressed stamped envelope and two dollars to Live
Newsletter...
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So there you go. Incredible, yeah? I love it. It's like a little psychodrama.
Piggy exposes this amazing brutality and insensitivity at the heart of Regis and
Kathie Lee. They have an actual guest standing in front of them who they've
insulted and harassed for ten minutes, and she's practically crying, and they
just go on with the recipe.
Stay tuned for more fun!
Next in the Anthology:
Another
psychodrama erupts in
Part
Three : Ladies First
when
Al Roker asks Kermit and Miss Piggy
about marriage,
plastic surgery and Antonio Banderas!
November
Anthology
--
Anthology
Contents
Danny@ToughPigs.com
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